Spookytooth Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too." Simon. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dogsbody Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dungggg! Chris 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flyboy2610 Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 8 hours ago, dogsbody said: What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dungggg! Chris Eeeeeeeewwww! 1 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scautomoton Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 A man walks into a bar.... ....ouch 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince1159 Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 I knew someone once that walked into a pub and broke their nose.... 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing." Simon. 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Is a shop that sells toilets called a convenience store ? 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArnoldAmbrose Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 8 hours ago, jenko said: Is a shop that sells toilets called a convenience store ? I hope they don't have a "Try before you Buy" policy. 😖 I'll get my coat. 🙂 Regards, Jeff. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 1 hour ago, ArnoldAmbrose said: I hope they don't have a "Try before you Buy" policy. 😖 I'll get my coat. 🙂 Regards, Jeff. There was a TV documentary that lifted the lid on this one. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 17 minutes ago, jenko said: There was a TV documentary that lifted the lid on this one. I heard that went down the pan... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 It wasn't flushed with success💩 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 it all went down the drain 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fnick Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 It was indeed a big pile of ... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Robin Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 I woke up in a cold sweat. The wife asked what was I dreaming about? I said "it was horrible, the oceans were all orange". She said "don't worry, its just a Fanta Sea". Regards Pete 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 As I get older and portlier, a beard becomes a more attractive thought. It'll hide a multitude of chins. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 What do get, when you hold one green ball in your right hand, and one green ball in your left hand? Spoiler A Leprechauns undivided attention 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 How do you dismantle a tap? You Faucet Sorry 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Robin Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 I've been teaching the hens simple arithmetic. I'm hoping they turn into mathemachickens. Regards Pete 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PattheCat Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 Having heard about womens' rights being violated in Iran, the blondes' association "Don't Underestimate My Blondness" (D.U.M.B. in short) decides to send a delegation to give them some support. The next day they're already back home and the delegation's head is invited for an interview on TV. Speaker: " You left very quickly. Is the situation for women over there as bad as I assume?" Blonde: "We didn't go further than the airport but we couldn't believe our eyes. It's afwul, so many deaths" Speaker: "Deaths? You mean you saw women killed in front of you at the airport?" Blonde: "Oh no, certainly not, There must be a terrible plague or something" Speaker: "A plague?" Blonde: "Well, yes. The men immediately pushed us back into the plane yelling "No, no, you not come, here Burka, here Burka" and all the women we saw were mourning" Speaker: "Mourning?" Blonde: "Sure, they all were clad in black from head to toe". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 A blonde driver is pulled over by a blonde traffic copper. "May I see your licence, please?" the copper asks. "It's in here somewhere ... oh, where did I put it - ah," and she pulls a mirror out of her handbag and looks into it. "Here it is, officer." The copper takes the mirror, looks at it, and hands it back. "Sorry to have bothered you," she says, "I didn't know you were a copper too." 6 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scautomoton Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 How do you change a Blonde's mind?.............. blow in her ear 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 1 hour ago, scautomoton said: How do you change a Blonde's mind?.............. blow in her ear and watch the dust come out the other side. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scautomoton Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 A bit on the edge but here goes... What's blue and doesn't fit?............... a dead epileptic 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scautomoton Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 .....and what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?...............correct, you throw in your dirty laundry 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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