Short Clean Jokes V

[Noel Smith]

Man caught by his wife coming out of a shop with a scantily dressed female on each arm.

Wife.     'That's not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to the model shop!'

Edited March 7, 2024 by Noel Smith

[Noel Smith]

Cribbed from a cartoon seen elsewhere.

 

A breakaway Prince was sat on a department store Santa's lap.

 

Santa.    'What would you like for Christmas lad?'

Breakaway Prince.     ' I would like a unicorn.'

Santa.    ' C'mon son. Be a bit more realistic!'

Breakaway Prince.     ' In that case I would like to be a respected member of my family again.'

Santa.    ' What colour unicorn would you like?'

Edited March 7, 2024 by Noel Smith

[bentwaters81tfw]

.

[Admiral Puff]

And how many?

[flyboy2610]

https://www.npr.org/2022/12/09/1141820379/unicorn-license-girl-la-county

[Noel Smith]

Flyboy. That link was quite heart warming to read and what a lovely response to that little girl  from those people in the animal welfare department. It makes one realise the world is still full of good people.

[spruecutter96]

How do you murder a Circus?

 

You go for the juggler!

 

Chris. 

[bentwaters81tfw]

You could use a tight rope.

[psdavidson]

or set fire to their ring

(a painful way to go)

[Fatcawthorne]

However you do it, as a story it'll be in tents!!!

[Noel Smith]

We might even need a safety net to catch all these jokes!

[Pete in Lincs]

Yeah, stop clowning around 

[2996 Victor]

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways that I cannot put into words.....

[flyboy2610]

People who think they know everything are incredibly annoying to those of us that actually do.

[pigsty]

Kids these days have no idea how to punctuate (especially not this sort of thing).  I blame the parentheses.

[Spookytooth]

Two old men talking, one says "Do you know that you can get Viagra from Tesco`s now"

"Over the counter ?" said the other man.

"Yes, probably with two" said the first man.

 

Simon.

 

 

[Noel Smith]

A yobbo mob leader had Anchovy tattooed on his forehead because he could not spell Anarchy !

Edited March 10, 2024 by Noel Smith

[flyboy2610]

6 hours ago, Noel Smith said:

A yobbo mob leader had Anchovy tattooed on his forehead because he could not spell Anarchy !

I went to a local grocery store and they had Aspargus on sale.

 

[ArnoldAmbrose]

3 hours ago, flyboy2610 said:

10 hours ago, Noel Smith said:

A yobbo mob leader had Anchovy tattooed on his forehead because he could not spell Anarchy !

I went to a local grocery store and they had Aspargus on sale.

       This is not intended as a joke but it follows a similar vein (please, no jokes about blood vessels 🙂). Always proof-read your texts before hitting the submit button. If you're writing about a well known German fighter of WW2 make sure you don't forget the second 'm' in Messerschmitt. And don't forget the 'f' in the word 'shift'. I've done the first and nearly done the second. You can't always rely on spellcheck.

Regards, Jeff.

[Noel Smith]

Those particular mis spellings.       Could be what happens when you sit there using a tablet in the WC !

Edited March 11, 2024 by Noel Smith

[stever219]

4 hours ago, ArnoldAmbrose said:

       This is not intended as a joke but it follows a similar vein (please, no jokes about blood vessels 🙂). Always proof-read your texts before hitting the submit button. If you're writing about a well known German fighter of WW2 make sure you don't forget the second 'm' in Messerschmitt. And don't forget the 'f' in the word 'shift'. I've done the first and nearly done the second. You can't always rely on spellcheck.

Regards, Jeff.

I used to work in the Import Freight area of a well-known cross-channel ferry port and can still remember the import entry for a German-built Sch!tt-blasting machine (that was the description on the invoice) although, maybe fortunately, I never saw the machine itself!

[ArnoldAmbrose]

1 hour ago, stever219 said:

a German-built Sch!tt-blasting machine

So it really hit the fan? (As the saying goes. 🙂) Regards, Jeff.

[stever219]

31 minutes ago, ArnoldAmbrose said:

So it really hit the fan? (As the saying goes. 🙂) Regards, Jeff.

Thankfully not on our watch; we left it for the night sh1(f)t!"

[Pete Robin]

My dog ate a bag full of Scrabble Tiles.

Took it to the vet for treatment.

When I got home, the missus said "Anything happen"

"No word yet" I replied.

 

Regards

Pete

[Pig of the Week]

Charles Dickens "A Tale of Two Cities" was originally serialised in a couple of local newspapers... 

 

It was the Bicester Times and it was the Worcester Times....