Short Clean Jokes V

[Spookytooth]

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written:

"The last five are pretty risky, too."

 

Simon.

[dogsbody]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

 

 

Dungggg!

 

 

 

Chris

[flyboy2610]

8 hours ago, dogsbody said:

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

 

 

Dungggg!

 

 

 

Chris

Eeeeeeeewwww!

[scautomoton]

A man walks into a bar....

 

 

 

....ouch

[Vince1159]

I knew someone once that walked into a pub and broke their nose....

[Spookytooth]

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

 

Simon.

[jenko]

Is a shop that sells toilets called a convenience store ?

[ArnoldAmbrose]

8 hours ago, jenko said:

Is a shop that sells toilets called a convenience store ?

I hope they don't have a "Try before you Buy" policy. 😖 I'll get my coat. 🙂 Regards, Jeff.

[jenko]

1 hour ago, ArnoldAmbrose said:

I hope they don't have a "Try before you Buy" policy. 😖 I'll get my coat. 🙂 Regards, Jeff.

There was a TV documentary that lifted the lid on this one.

[Dave Swindell]

17 minutes ago, jenko said:

There was a TV documentary that lifted the lid on this one.

I heard that went down the pan...

[RAF4EVER]

It wasn't flushed with success💩

[psdavidson]

it all went down the drain

[Fnick]

It was indeed a big pile of ...

[Bullbasket]

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[Pete Robin]

I woke up in a cold sweat.

The wife asked what was I dreaming about?

I said "it was horrible, the oceans were all orange".

She said "don't worry, its just a Fanta Sea".

 

 

Regards

Pete

[pigsty]

As I get older and portlier, a beard becomes a more attractive thought.  It'll hide a multitude of chins.

[RAF4EVER]

What do get, when you hold one green ball in your right hand, and one green ball in your left hand?

Spoiler

A Leprechauns undivided attention

 

[Pete in Lincs]

How do you dismantle a tap? You Faucet 

Sorry

[Pete Robin]

I've been teaching the hens simple arithmetic.

I'm hoping they turn into mathemachickens.

 

Regards

Pete

[PattheCat]

Having heard about womens' rights being violated in Iran, the blondes' association "Don't Underestimate My Blondness" (D.U.M.B. in short) decides to send a delegation to give them some support.

The next day they're already back home and the delegation's head is invited for an interview on TV.

Speaker: " You left very quickly. Is the situation for women over there as bad as I assume?"

Blonde: "We didn't go further than the airport but we couldn't believe our eyes. It's afwul, so many deaths"

Speaker: "Deaths? You mean you saw women killed in front of you at the airport?"

Blonde: "Oh no, certainly not, There must be a terrible plague or something"

Speaker: "A plague?"

Blonde: "Well, yes. The men immediately pushed us back into the plane yelling "No, no, you not come, here Burka, here Burka" and all the women we saw were mourning"

Speaker: "Mourning?"

Blonde: "Sure, they all were clad in black from head to toe".

[pigsty]

A blonde driver is pulled over by a blonde traffic copper.

"May I see your licence, please?" the copper asks.

"It's in here somewhere ... oh, where did I put it - ah," and she pulls a mirror out of her handbag and looks into it.  "Here it is, officer."

The copper takes the mirror, looks at it, and hands it back.

"Sorry to have bothered you," she says, "I didn't know you were a copper too."

[scautomoton]

How do you change a Blonde's mind?.............. blow in her ear

[jenko]

1 hour ago, scautomoton said:

How do you change a Blonde's mind?.............. blow in her ear

 

and watch the dust come out the other side.

[scautomoton]

A bit on the edge but here goes...

 

What's blue and doesn't fit?............... a dead epileptic

[scautomoton]

.....and what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?...............correct, you throw in your dirty laundry