pigsty

Outside my office there's a Fire Assembly Point. But there's never any paint or glue, and the instructions are rubbish.

Still thriving; hard to find on the A303 but worth the small detour on the A350 etc. Set in an interesting town, so there's more than one excuse to visit. Didn't know Endless Models had closed ... that will teach me not to rely on Google Maps.

But ... how will we cope with edible food?

Oh yes, other places ... in Salisbury there's Endless Models (on Endless Street, which has at least two ends) and Salisbury Model Centre. Train Times in Eastbourne is sometimes worth a look.

Not any more. He closed last year, alas. Malletts Home Hardware in Truro has probably the best selection in Cornwall now. And it's not actually all that bad.

Welcome indeed. Shameless pitch time: can I interest you in a model club in Sevenoaks? We're always very happy to take on a new member and we already have one in Biggin Hill, so you could share the petrol costs! Drop me a personal message if you'd like more details.

Umm. Er. What do you mean by splinter padding?

Fascinating indeed. But if you think that lot looks odd on a carrier, you should see the USS Intrepid.

Hondas, every last one of them! I owned two SD1s and I still miss the V8. As I go to shows with more and more bulky boxes, I sometimes wish it had been possible to buy a V8 estate ... and to afford to keep it on the road.

I was at a loose end for a couple of hours the other day so I went for a quick nine holes at my local golf course. This old chap came up and asked if he could join me, as we were both singletons and it's always better to measure yourself against someone else. I wondered if he might end up slowing me down, but I agreed. To my pleasant surprise he turned out to be an asset. He wasn't quick, but he played steadily and kept pace with me up and down the fairways. But more than that, he offered really useful advice at every hole. He'd been playing the course for years and seemed to know every wrinkle. Eventually we reached the ninth and I hit a snag. My tee shot went wide and fetched up at the edge of the course. There was a huge pine tree directly between me and the green, and it was only a few yards away. I scratched my head for a bit. The old boy came up and said "That happened to me once, about thirty years back. I just hit the ball straight over the tree and it was fine." "Really?" "Really." Well, I was doubtful, but he had the experience ... so I lined up, swung the iron, and gave the ball a hefty whack. It went straight up in the air, hit the tree about two-thirds of the way up, and fell back four feet behind me. "Of course," says the old boy, "thirty years ago that tree was only three feet high ..."

My local butcher backed into his mincing machine today. He's alright, but he got a little behind in his work.

You often read in reviews something like "this is a limited-run kit so naturally it has no locating pins" and then you're left to bodge the thing together as best you can. Why? I understand how some kits are limited-run. But a locating pin is just like any other piece of shaped plastic: either it sticks out a bit, or the other half is a little ding. They have to be opposite each other or they won't work. That describes almost every paired part of every model kit ever - especially the panel lines or the openings. And so much work goes into those parts, which of course is what we pay for. Yet, apparently, something about locating pins makes them impossible to include if your mould isn't made of the most durable material; or possibly, after all the design work for the rest of the kit, a few more matched features are too expensive to add. I'm not really getting it. Does anyone else?

Big thanks to speedy for the exact decals I needed, in double-quick time too. Much quicker than I can promise to build the old thing! Steve is an absolute star and I'd recommend him to anyone.

God is at a loose end and is wandering around the world looking for something to do. He goes into a park and sees two statues, one of a woman and one of a man. He decides to have some fun. With a flick of his fingers he brings them to life. "You now have the gift of life," he tells them, "but you must use it wisely, for you have it for but one hour. You may do anything you please." "Anything?" asks the male statue. "Anything," God replies. The statues exchange a coy look. She wiggles her eyebrows and gestures to the nearby bushes. He follows her in. Half an hour later, they emerge, out of breath with their hair and clothing all over the place. "Was that all you wished for?" God asks them. "Oh yes," the female statue replies, her eyes shining. "Well," says God, "you still have another half an hour. What will you do with it?" The statues exchange another look. "Alright," says the male statue, "this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

These aren't quite the same thing. Normally, to exhibit at a show means displaying your stuff for the visitors to look at, and that almost always means attending with a club. I know a few shows where single individuals have booked tables and filled them with their own output, but that's pretty rare. So to do this, you'd want to join a club. Which is no bad thing, of course. To compete is slightly different. The first question is whether it's an open competition - ie, anyone at all can enter. There are, I'm sure, people who pitch up at shows without a club who just enter the competition - though I couldn't point one out to you. Other shows limit their competition to participants, and in some shows you can't enter a competition, it's judged by the organisers from everything on display at the show. If you're not in a club already, you could probably enter the competition if it was open, but you'd want to check with the organisers first. As for why ... I don't think my stuff is anything special, but I like to show it to others. In part it's payback for all those who showed their stuff at shows when I was a lad and inspired me - I hope to have some of the same effect on today's visitors. But mainly it's because most of us like looking at others' models and learning from them, and for that we all need to be ready to display our own. (Then there's the urge to do this: Visitor - "That's nice, I like that." Exhibitor - "Yes, but look at this bit that I got wrong, and this bit, and that's just crap, and ...") Competing, for most, is very much about being sure your build is good and wanting to prove it by trying it against someone else's. Approach it in the spirit of "just how good is it?" and you can't go far wrong. The other approach is "I'm the best and no-one can say different", which often leads to trouble of the chucking-toys-out-of-pram variety. It's better avoided.