Short Clean Jokes V

[psdavidson]

If you’re going to tell jokes about eyes, the cornea the better

[bentwaters81tfw]

I don't do corny, I prefer vitreous humor.

[Pete in Lincs]

So does my Auntie Iris. (Yes really. She will celebrate her 90th Birthday on Tuesday)

[Pete in Lincs]

Why did the Crab cross the road? It didn't. It stayed on the sidewalk.

[flyboy2610]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It wanted to watch a man lay bricks.

[Admiral Puff]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it really NEEDED to ...

[Dave Swindell]

One for those of us who have difficulty converting scales:-

 

When Lord Nelson died he was 5ft tall

 

His statue on top of Nelson's Column is 15ft tall

 

That's Horatio of 3:1.....

[Pete in Lincs]

I'm not admitting to being totally OCD, but I do keep my underpants in the bottom drawer.

[Pig of the Week]

[psdavidson]

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening

[Noel Smith]

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet

Eating her curds and whey

When along came a spider

Who say down beside her

So she trod on it!

 

Edited April 30, 2024 by Noel Smith

[Noel Smith]

The Optimist.          The glass is half full.

The Pessimist.        The glass is half empty.

The Engineer.           The glass is twice the size it needs to be.

Edited April 30, 2024 by Noel Smith

[stevehnz]

5 hours ago, Noel Smith said:

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet

Eating her curds and whey

When along came a spider

Who say down beside her

So she trod on it!

 

Some what politer than the version I know. The same till the last line which went....So she said eff off hairy legs.

Steve.

[Admiral Puff]

Georgy Porgy, puddin' and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too - he was funny that way!

[ArnoldAmbrose]

38 minutes ago, Admiral Puff said:

Georgy Porgy, puddin' and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too - he was funny that way!

       G'day. Nursery rhymes were so politically incorrect and glamorized crime. This one condones sexual harassment. Goldielocks was guilty of breaking and entry, damage to private property and theft. 😁

Regards, Jeff.

[Admiral Puff]

8 hours ago, Noel Smith said:

The Optimist.          The glass is half full.

The Pessimist.        The glass is half empty.

The Engineer.           The glass is twice the size it needs to be.

The Manager: We need an inventory on glasses.

[Dave Swindell]

12 hours ago, Noel Smith said:

The Optimist.          The glass is half full.

The Pessimist.        The glass is half empty.

The Engineer.           The glass is twice the size it needs to be.  The glass is refillable

Just corrected that one for you - any engineer worth his salt won't care what size the glass is as long as it is refilled

[Noel Smith]

You got that one dead right Dave. 

 Except that in my case it would be a pint of Adnams or Greene King IPA.     Cheers!

[ArnoldAmbrose]

G'day, the ultimate pessimist is the one who said "Good health is simply the slowest way you can die".

 

And one more nursery rhyme  -  Mary had a little lamb

                                                    The midwife fainted.

                                                                                             I'll get my coat. 🙂 Regards, Jeff.

[Dave Swindell]

50 minutes ago, ArnoldAmbrose said:

And one more nursery rhyme  -  Mary had a little lamb

                                                    The midwife fainted.

Mary had a little lamb

Her Father killed it dead

And now it goes to school with her

Between two bits of bread

[psdavidson]

A few more bar one-liners

 

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• A dyslexic walks into a bra.

• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
 

[RAF4EVER]

A man walked into bar

Spoiler

,and scalped himself.

 

Edited May 1, 2024 by RAF4EVER

[JohnT]

Ok if its Bar jokes

 

A piece of string goes into a bar and asks for a pint.  The barman points to a notice which says "No String Served in these Premises" and tells the string to push off.

 

The string leaves and once outside ties himself up at one end into a knot and then ruffles up the string at the knot end.  The string then goes back into the Bar.

 

The barman says "Wait a minute - are you a piece of string?" to which the string replies "No sorry, I'm a  frayed knot"

 

 

I get my   and be off then

 

 

[Pig of the Week]

G, B flat, and D  walk into a bar...

Barman says "get out, we don't serve minors.." 

[psdavidson]

I bought a head of lettuce from a small grocery store called Mamas and Papas but I can’t eat it because all the leaves are brown.