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Spookytooth

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Everything posted by Spookytooth

  1. If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting smashed from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac! CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I feel like I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Who cares; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.. Judge # 3 - No Report I was laughing so hard!!!!! 🤩 Simon
  2. One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, So the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, “Good morning, Johnny.” “Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Johnny’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?” Simon
  3. A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses. Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.” Simon
  4. Another update. Due to my broadband provider messing me around it should be next weekend 7th onwards. Simon
  5. It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. She'll be happy to know I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack! Simon
  6. Looking great Alistair, can't wait until I have full broadband and follow this epic Simon
  7. Just a quick note. I hope to back online by next weekend. Looking forward to catching up then. Simon
  8. Nice save Alistair, she is looking great under primer. Simon.
  9. She is looking great Alistair. Just caught up on this thread. The idea of rivets is a good one, seeing @The Spadgent build proves that. Simon
  10. Cheers Pete, things are so much better now than before. Thanks @brianthemodeller, @Hamden, @Andy H, and @stevehnz Simon.
  11. Hi folks, just a quick update. All is going well with Rose and I. But I don`t know when I shall be attacking plastic yet. Simon, A happy bunny.
  12. Worst gig: Motorhead "Perfect Tour" absolute pants. First gig: Queen Astoria `75. Best gig so far: Donnington 85, ZZ Top, Marillion etc. Simon.
  13. She is looking lovely Johnny as per norm. As for Rick, I worked with him on a couple of occasions and what a nice guy. Simon.
  14. Thanks lads, we (Rose and I ) have known each other for 25 years and been together for 20 of them so there must be something between us. Simon.
  15. Thanks for the comments lads but play has been stopped for now. Please read "M.I.A. for a while" in the general chat section. Simon.
  16. Hi folks, I am sorry to say that I will be missing from the forum for a while. This is due to a change of life and accommodation. The wife and I have decided to give it another try after 10 months of separation. I will not have a computer to use for a while but will be able to catch up off my phone now and again. I hope that this does not upset anyone. Simon. PS, this a great forum full of good people. Simon.
  17. A couple had their first baby. After a week or so the mother thought she could use a break and went shopping leaving the little baby with the proud father. It was only a short while before the baby started to cry. The perplexed father tried all of the tricks that he remembered his wife doing but to no avail. Finally after a half hour in desperation he went to the doctor. After checking all of the regular things the doctor discovered it was just a dirty diaper. “I don’t understand the perplexed father said “I knew it was dirty, but the diaper package said specifically that it was good up to 8 pounds!” Simon.
  18. Very much appreciated gents. Thanks @Quiet Mike, @elger, @dogsbody, @CH-53D, @cobraleader, @AdrianMF, @Hamden. Masking done, at last. Then some Dark Earth laid down. A check on that later then mask for the Dark Green. Simon, Bangers and Mash and windyberries tonight.
  19. Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.” Simon.
  20. The have indeed Ian. I ended up cutting the gunners away from the guns leaving just the fixing lug and ring to fit into the turret. If I remember correctly the pilots use to look like the "Elephant" men? Simon.
  21. Thanks @AliGauld, @Hamden, and @franky boy. Engine nacelles got a coat of NATO Black. And a second applied to the Wimpey. Let that dry then mask up for the camo, Dark Green over Dark Earth. Simon.
  22. Cheese on toast Alistair, plus a Kit Kat and coffee. Thanks @Hamden and @Andrew.S. First coat of NATO Black on. She will get a second later. Simon.
  23. Oh look, a diving Swift.. You are winning this one Alistair. Simon.
  24. Not a problem sir, @Retired Bob was the one who pointed me in that direction. Cheers Alistair, things are proceeding well for now, you know what could happen LOL. Thanks @Hamden, @CH-53D, @elger and @franky boy. Bottom primed Fnar. And filler applied to various gaps. Time for brunch , then maybe some NATO Black to start with. Simon.
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