Short Clean Jokes V

[Black Knight]

DEER CAMP

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site
only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and
dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,

'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had
handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did

And then she said,
"Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am

[Alex Gordon]

5 hours ago, Circloy said:

p.s. Can we et back to the jokes.

You haven't seen my welding have you...

 

[Circloy]

7 hours ago, Alex Gordon said:

You haven't seen my welding have you...

 

I get that on the car, always thought it was bird sh..

[Black Knight]

It seems like nothing is made in the UK anymore.

I just bought a TV and it said built in antenna

 

...I don't even know where that is.

[JohnT]

hope it was a cheap camera

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-us-canada-68046575

 

 

[ArnoldAmbrose]

       Gidday, my son told me that Captain Detmers (of the Kormoran, the German raider that sank and was herself sunk by HMAS Sydney off Carnarvon in West Oz in November 1941) was a very resourceful man. Once their ship had sunk he began to distribute the cigarette ration amongst the crew in the life-boats, but he found that no-one had any dry matches. So he threw a cigarette overboard, which made his boat 'one cigarette lighter'. 😖

 

OK, we'll both get our coats. 🙂 Regards, Jeff.

[Circloy]

On 21/01/2024 at 08:03, Black Knight said:

It seems like nothing is made in the UK anymore.

I just bought a TV and it said built in antenna

 

...I don't even know where that is.

Unlike the one I got that was built by Aunt Emma

[Spookytooth]

For her birthday present, I took my wife to an orchard, and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

 

Simon.

[Bertie McBoatface]

Woman to her friend: Does your husband lie awake at night?

 

Friend: Yeah, and he lies when he's asleep as well.

[Bertie McBoatface]

A man's on his deathbed and calls his wife. "Listen, when I'm gone I want you to marry again. In fact, I think you should marry Bill, he's always liked you."

 

"But I thought you hated Bill?"

 

"Yeah, I do."

[Bertie McBoatface]

Can you imagine a world without hypothetical situations?

 

[Bertie McBoatface]

A fellow is going through customs at the airport. The officer tells him to open his case and asks "What's in this big bottle sir?" 

 

"Oh I've been on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, that's my souvenir Holy Water"

 

The officer opens the bottle and sniffs, "Smells like whisky to me Sir."

 

"My God," says the man, "another miracle!"

[matford]

On 1/23/2024 at 12:58 PM, Bertie McBoatface said:

A fellow is going through customs at the airport. The officer tells him to open his case and asks "What's in this big bottle sir?" 

 

"Oh I've been on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, that's my souvenir Holy Water"

 

The officer opens the bottle and sniffs, "Smells like whisky to me Sir."

 

"My God," says the man, "another miracle!"

The version I heard had him being in a disabled parking bay.

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[2996 Victor]

Apparently, "Lance" is a quite unusual name now.

 

In mediaeval times, people were named Lance a lot.

[jenko]

Just been past my local discount book shop and threw a pipe wrench in through the front door,

 

Well that really put a spanner in the Works

 

Dick

 

 

 

For our non UK members "The Works" is a large discount book store.

Edited January 26, 2024 by jenko
better English

[Ratch]

4 hours ago, jenko said:

and through a pair

Surely that should be 'and threw a pair'

[TonyG]

I went to a friend's wedding at the weekend. It was a fairytale wedding. I turned up at the reception dressed in a black cloak and cursed their firstborn.

You just can't please some people.

[jenko]

19 minutes ago, Ratch said:

Surely that should be 'and threw a pair'

 

That's why I taught handicraft not English  

[2996 Victor]

[Circloy]

Remember, a condom is not for life.

[Admiral Puff]

4 hours ago, Circloy said:

Remember, a condom is not for life.

... until it fails ...

[Dave Swindell]

Door to door coffin salesmen - the last thing you need!

[Pete Robin]

The wife said "have you seen the dog bowl?"

I replied, "I didn't know he could play cricket".

 

Regards, and many thanks to Mr. T. Cooper!

 

Pete

[Circloy]

Think I've been conned.

 

Just bought an all weather, digital, cordless,wireless signalling device

 

 

Still its an advance on the daytime model