Short Clean Jokes V

[JohnT]

3 hours ago, RAF4EVER said:

Straight back into the barrel.

 

 

Reminds me of a time when at a rugby club one guy was sick of folk nicking his new pint when he went to the toilet for relief so he wrote on a bar coaster "I have spat in this pint" and placed it on top of the glass only to come back and find some wag had added "So have I!"

[RAF4EVER]

9 minutes ago, JohnT said:

 

 

Reminds me of a time when at a rugby club one guy was sick of folk nicking his new pint when he went to the toilet for relief so he wrote on a bar coaster "I have spat in this pint" and placed it on top of the glass only to come back and find some wag had added "So have I!"

A friend of mine ,when I was in the Air Force, used to put his false teeth in his pint,

[Spookytooth]

Did you know that "Flat Earthers" have friends all over the globe!!!!

 

Simon.

[Paul Lucas]

10 hours ago, pigsty said:

My team's just lost again - four-one down on aggregate.  I wonder if they'd play better on grass?

I don't know man, I've never smoked either of them. . .

[Spookytooth]

4 minutes ago, Paul Lucas said:

I don't know man, I've never smoked either of them. . .

The England Cricket team were touring Sri Lanka in the late 70`s and Ian Botham was asked what is the difference playing on grass and coconut matting.

He replied"We have tried smoking coconut matting"

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[Pig of the Week]

Question.. 

"my child won't eat fish, what can I replace it with?" 

 

Answer.. 

" a Cat, cats love fish..." 

[jenko]

How do you start a story about P38 car filler ?

 

 

Isopon a time.

[RAF4EVER]

Really need a Groan Icon

[Welkin]

My driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there's an animal in the road.

You should have seen the look on the copper's face as I knocked him off his horse!

 

My driving instructor told me if there's an animal in the road you should run it over.

I narrowly missed a dog on my test; the examiner looked so surprised when I subsequently followed the dog into a field before I finally got him!

[bootneck]

Husband: "When I die, I shall leave everything to you". 

Wife: "You already do, you lazy sod!".

 

[stevehnz]

On 4/18/2024 at 5:34 AM, RAF4EVER said:

A friend of mine ,when I was in the Air Force, used to put his false teeth in his pint,

Many years ago in a pub in Queenstown, a regular gathering spot for tour drivers, one of our number did just this with his jug of beer. When he got back to the table, there were several other sets of teeth in there. A good laugh was had by all, teeth were retrieved & the owner of the first set of teeth went to buy another jug.

Steve

[593jones]

15 hours ago, stevehnz said:

Many years ago in a pub in Queenstown, a regular gathering spot for tour drivers, one of our number did just this with his jug of beer. When he got back to the table, there were several other sets of teeth in there. A good laugh was had by all, teeth were retrieved & the owner of the first set of teeth went to buy another jug.

Steve

 

Hmm, I just wondered how the drivers were able to tell which set of teeth were theirs, when they fished them  out, did they have to try and see which set fitted best?  "No, this set's definitely not mine,   Give me another set to try'.  

[stevehnz]

I don't recall the details now, I let them sort it out themselves. I wasn't one of the ones with teeth in the jug, mine or most of them are still in my head.

Steve.

[Pig of the Week]

For Sale.. 

 

Muhammad Ali DVDs.. 

George Foreman Grill.. 

 

Both boxed... 

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[Pete in Lincs]

We had a burglar who stole the milk, cheese and butter! I thought how dairy!

[flyboy2610]

There were two babies in the hospital nursery.

The first one said "Hi! I'm a little girl baby!

The second one said "Hi! I'm a little boy baby!"

"How do you know you're a boy baby?"

"I'll show you". He reached down, grabbed his nightgown by the bottom and pulled it up over his head. "See? Blue booties!"

[Spookytooth]

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked,

“Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Thomas replied,

“Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says,

“I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says,

“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,

“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Thomas replied,

“My father doesn’t like her.”

 

Simon.

[Pete in Lincs]

Little Bo Peep lied for the insurance money!

What sort of name was that anyway? 

Does it mean that there was a Big Bo Peep?  Nursery rhymes eh? Tsk!

[Alex Gordon]

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet

Smokin' a joint of Weed.

The Spider espied her and sat down beside her

And skinned up on Acid and Speed...

[Spookytooth]

A couple had their first baby.

After a week or so the mother thought she could use a break and went shopping leaving the little baby with the proud father.

It was only a short while before the baby started to cry.

The perplexed father tried all of the tricks that he remembered his wife doing but to no avail.

Finally after a half hour in desperation he went to the doctor.

After checking all of the regular things the doctor discovered it was just a dirty diaper.

“I don’t understand the perplexed father said “I knew it was dirty, but the diaper package said specifically that it was good up to 8 pounds!”

 

Simon.

[Circloy]

20 hours ago, flyboy2610 said:

There were two babies in the hospital nursery.

The first one said "Hi! I'm a little girl baby!

The second one said "Hi! I'm a little boy baby!"

"How do you know you're a boy baby?"

"I'll show you". He reached down, grabbed his nightgown by the bottom and pulled it up over his head. "See? Blue booties!"

Blue booties - Boy

Pink booties - Girl

Lemon booties ... ?

[flyboy2610]

3 hours ago, Circloy said:

Blue booties - Boy

Pink booties - Girl

Lemon booties ... ?

Leaky diaper.