Spookytooth Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.” Simon. 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 I went to the doctor and he told me to face the window and put my tongue out. "Will that help you diagnose what's wrong with me?" I asked. "No," he said, "but I don't like the man in the office across the road." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 It just all depends on how you look at some things... Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory: On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.' So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Harry Reid: Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: "Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." Now THAT'S how it's done, Folks! 2 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 Spoken like a true politician ... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherry268 Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 My better half told me she wanted some peace and quiet whilst she was cooking So I took the battery out the smoke alarm 18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mick4350 Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Why'd the Walrus go to a Tupperware sale ? He wanted a tight seal. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 20 hours ago, bentwaters81tfw said: Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: "Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." Funnily enough, I was watching an old episode of Qi last night, and they covered almost the same topic, only from a different angle........obituaries! Some examples were "Outgoing and gregarious"; He was a drunk. "Involved with many philanthropic causes"; Had his fingers in the till. "A ladies man"; He was a serial groper". "Worked a lot with The Scouts and Cubs". They left that one for you to work out for yourselves. John. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CedB Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 I asked my hairdresser the other day what cut would make me look handsome? A power cut was not the answer I was expecting… 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work when he is stopped by a policeman. "Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?" asks the policeman. "Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along... you know." "And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?" demands the policeman. "Well," says the businessman, thinking it best to play along, "I suppose I'd ease off on Mr Accelerator, and switch on Mr Headlights and Mr Windscreen wipers." The policeman leans in the window and eyeballs the businessman. "I asked you what you were planning on doing if you met MIST OR FOG!" And threw the book at him. Simon. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 Plans to revive Scottish manufacturing have been drawn up, exploiting an untapped reservoir of skills in making ladies' underwear. Apparently, where there's Mc, there's bras. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 WANTED - one "Groan" icon ... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viking Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 On 13/01/2021 at 18:22, Spookytooth said: The policeman leans in the window and eyeballs the businessman. "I asked you what you were planning on doing if you met MIST OR FOG!" I was in a restaurant in Texas a few years ago, after taking our order the waitress said "And would you like to start with Super salad" "Oh, yes please" I replied. "Well which" "Which what?" I replied, somewhat baffled. "What do you want?" she said. "Super salad" I answered. "Yes, but what do you want?" "Eh?" I'm confused and baffled about what is going on now. This Super Salad better be worth the trouble. After a cold stare she said "Look buddy, do you want soup or salad?" Oh............ 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted January 16, 2021 Share Posted January 16, 2021 (edited) I was at a restaurant in Pensylvania and asked if I wanted dressing on my salad starter. I replied it would be fine washed without a dressing & the waitress replied "You're British" "Yes", i replied, "how can you tell?" Expecting her to say it's you accent she surprised me by responding "Only the Brits have salad without dressing" The best was when she brought the salad and said "You speak good English" I didn't have the heart to point out it originated here and to this day she probably thinks 'Brits' are bilingual. Edited January 16, 2021 by Circloy correct mis-tryping 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted January 16, 2021 Share Posted January 16, 2021 My mate Pete drowned last week I sent a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt to the funeral I know it's what he would have wanted..... 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 I watched a documentary about clockwork. The film was great, but the Presenter wound me up... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. "Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.' "But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?" One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?" Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 My mate became a Veggie a couple of years ago. He's lost a lot of weight. Nowadays there's not much meat on him. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 Does anyone know if they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, ..... or is it just a low ha? 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 My son said he just got awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school I asked him “What’s that?” “A big building with teachers and lots of kids". he replied "but that's not important right now". 2 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony C Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) Oh dear , queue more Police Squad cracks... Cigarette? Edited January 23, 2021 by Tony C 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 1 hour ago, Tony C said: Oh dear , queue more Police Squad cracks... Cigarette? The biggest Leslie Nielsen police joke was the remake of the PInk Panther films Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony C Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 For RAF4EVER, someone would offer a cigarette from a packet, saying "Cigarette?" to which the answer was "Yes, I know!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 On 1/23/2021 at 5:09 PM, Tony C said: Oh dear , queue more Police Squad cracks... Cigarette? I would have answered before now but I was pretending I was in a freeze-frame. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 What's the difference between Snow men and Snow women ??? Snow balls. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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