Truro Model Builder Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 I was sitting in a restaurant suffering from really bad wind, and I came up with the idea of guffing in time to the music. It worked really well and after a few minutes I felt much better. When the music stopped, however, I couldn't understand why everyone was looking at me. That's when I realised I had my iPod on. 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 I woke up in the middle of the night and, with a shock, saw a black cloaked figure leaning over the bed. ''Who are you?'' I asked. ''I am death,'' replied the figure. "Sorry," I said, and shouted at him, ''WHO ARE YOU?'' 18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. Whilst checking the books, the inspector said to the Rabbi 'I see you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' The Rabbi replied 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers. Every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' The auditor then asked 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' The Rabbi replied, 'We collect them and send them back to the biscuit makers. Every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.' 'I see....' replied the auditor.. "So what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' The Rabbi answered. 'We save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office. And every year they send us a complete gentleman's parts.' Simon. 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted August 5, 2020 Author Share Posted August 5, 2020 (edited) My thirteen-year-old son came up to me earlier, looking troubled. "Dad," he said to me. "With all this conflicting information on social media, in the news and in the papers I'm getting really confused. I understand that some opinions are more valid than others but, with all the noise, all the time, how do you know what to believe, what to think?" I smiled at him sympathetically. "That's easy," I replied. "Your mother tells me." Edited August 5, 2020 by Truro Model Builder 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted August 5, 2020 Author Share Posted August 5, 2020 I treated myself to a tube of Pringles earlier. Very disappointing. There were only three of them in the tube, and they all tasted like tennis balls. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 (edited) Sorry not able to copy and paste. Dick Nothing to see here Edited August 6, 2020 by jenko Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 I released a new fragrance this morning.... Mind you, the rest of the people on the bus were not pleased... Simon. 1 20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenoz Posted August 9, 2020 Share Posted August 9, 2020 (edited) Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day... Edited August 9, 2020 by Silenoz 1 6 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted August 9, 2020 Share Posted August 9, 2020 On 05/08/2020 at 17:08, Truro Model Builder said: My thirteen-year-old son came up to me earlier, looking troubled. "Dad," he said to me. "With all this conflicting information on social media, in the news and in the papers I'm getting really confused. I understand that some opinions are more valid than others but, with all the noise, all the time, how do you know what to believe, what to think?" I smiled at him sympathetically. "That's easy," I replied. "Your mother tells me." Actually that’s not a joke for us guys - more a statement of fact Coming Darling She heard me 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted August 9, 2020 Author Share Posted August 9, 2020 1 hour ago, JohnT said: Actually that’s not a joke for us guys - more a statement of fact Coming Darling She heard me How does every joke about the wife start? With a nervous glance over the shoulder. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted August 10, 2020 Share Posted August 10, 2020 Spotted today on BBC news website the photo of the school student carrying placard stating:- “My postcode should not effect my results” Well maybe the English Mark perhaps Didn't want to post up the photo as it may have copyright issues and the news article might be perceived as political both contravening site rules 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratch Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 Just told my wife I have a crush on Beyonce. She said "Whatever floats your boat." I replied. "No, that's buoyancy!" 1 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Dot Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 Why did the Baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo! Courtesy of Lewis, aged 6, who thought it was hilarious Andy 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 If Watson is not the most famous Doctor, Who is? 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted August 13, 2020 Author Share Posted August 13, 2020 So then, English school pupils will have the choice of accepting their projected result, their mock result or the actual result. Are we sure that FIFA were not involved in formulating this system? 1 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 I had my leg X-rayed today. The doctor told me: "Your patella measures 2.54cm." In surprise, I said: "Inch high knees?" The doctor replied: "你的髕骨尺寸為2.54厘米" Simon. 1 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorby Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 21 hours ago, Spookytooth said: "你的髕骨尺寸為2.54厘米" It took me a few minutes and Google translate before that one clicked. I'm not used to having to work that hard for a joke. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 (edited) I have just bought a new computerised garden trimer. It's cutting hedge technology. Edited August 14, 2020 by jenko 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratch Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 13 hours ago, Gorby said: It took me a few minutes and Google translate before that one clicked. I'm not used to having to work that hard to get a joke. I can't be bothered Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 If you boil a funny bone does it become a laughing stock? Thats humerus. 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 1 hour ago, Kiwidave4 said: If you boil a funny bone does it become a laughing stock? Thats humerus. If you lie about it ...it's a fibula...... 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: “Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?” The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its’ heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic. “Try doing it with the engine running” Simon. 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it. Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant. Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me." Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!" Simon. 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted August 15, 2020 Author Share Posted August 15, 2020 Just read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down. 1 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted August 18, 2020 Author Share Posted August 18, 2020 I'm off to see the Deed tribute act in November. Or Abba, as they used to be known before they were downgraded. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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