Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser

[Truro Model Builder]

I was sitting in a restaurant suffering from really bad wind, and I came up with the idea of guffing in time to the music. It worked really well and after a few minutes I felt much better. When the music stopped, however, I couldn't understand why everyone was looking at me.

 

That's when I realised I had my iPod on. 

[Truro Model Builder]

I woke up in the middle of the night and, with a shock, saw a black cloaked figure leaning over the bed.

 

''Who are you?'' I asked.

 

''I am death,'' replied the figure.

 

"Sorry," I said, and shouted at him, ''WHO ARE YOU?''

[Spookytooth]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

Whilst checking the books, the inspector said to the Rabbi 'I see you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

The Rabbi replied 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers. Every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

The auditor then asked 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

The Rabbi replied, 'We collect them and send them back to the biscuit makers. Every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see....' replied the auditor.. "So what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

The Rabbi answered. 'We save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office. And every year they send us a complete gentleman's parts.'

 

Simon.

[Truro Model Builder]

My thirteen-year-old son came up to me earlier, looking troubled.

 

"Dad," he said to me. "With all this conflicting information on social media, in the news and in the papers I'm getting really confused. I understand that some opinions are more valid than others but, with all the noise, all the time, how do you know what to believe, what to think?"

I smiled at him sympathetically. "That's easy," I replied. "Your mother tells me."

Edited August 5, 2020 by Truro Model Builder

[Truro Model Builder]

I treated myself to a tube of Pringles earlier.

 

Very disappointing. There were only three of them in the tube, and they all tasted like tennis balls.

 

[jenko]

Sorry not able to copy and paste.

Dick

 

Nothing to see here 

 

 

Edited August 6, 2020 by jenko

[Spookytooth]

I released a new fragrance this morning....

Mind you, the rest of the people on the bus were not pleased...

 

Simon.

[Silenoz]

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day...

Edited August 9, 2020 by Silenoz

[JohnT]

On 05/08/2020 at 17:08, Truro Model Builder said:

My thirteen-year-old son came up to me earlier, looking troubled.

 

"Dad," he said to me. "With all this conflicting information on social media, in the news and in the papers I'm getting really confused. I understand that some opinions are more valid than others but, with all the noise, all the time, how do you know what to believe, what to think?"

I smiled at him sympathetically. "That's easy," I replied. "Your mother tells me."

Actually that’s not a joke for us guys - more a statement of fact 

 

Coming Darling  She heard me 

[Truro Model Builder]

1 hour ago, JohnT said:

Actually that’s not a joke for us guys - more a statement of fact 

 

Coming Darling  She heard me 

 

How does every joke about the wife start?

 

With a nervous glance over the shoulder.

 

[JohnT]

Spotted today on BBC news website the photo of the school student carrying placard stating:-

 

“My postcode should not effect my results”

 

Well maybe the English Mark perhaps

 

 

Didn't want to post up the photo as it may have copyright issues and the news article might be perceived as political both contravening site rules 

[Ratch]

Just told my wife I have a crush on Beyonce. She said "Whatever floats your boat." I replied. "No, that's buoyancy!"

[Red Dot]

Why did the Baker have smelly hands?

 

Because he kneaded a poo!

 

Courtesy of Lewis, aged 6, who thought it was hilarious

 

Andy

[Kiwidave4]

If Watson is not the most famous Doctor, Who is?

[Truro Model Builder]

So then, English school pupils will have the choice of accepting their projected result, their mock result or the actual result.

 

Are we sure that FIFA were not involved in formulating this system?

 

[Spookytooth]

I had my leg X-rayed today.

The doctor told me: "Your patella measures 2.54cm."

In surprise, I said: "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied: "你的髕骨尺寸為2.54厘米"

 

Simon.

[Gorby]

21 hours ago, Spookytooth said:

"你的髕骨尺寸為2.54厘米"

It took me a few minutes and Google translate before that one clicked. 

 

I'm not used to having to work that hard for a joke.

[jenko]

I have just bought a new computerised  garden trimer.

 

It's cutting hedge technology.

Edited August 14, 2020 by jenko

[Ratch]

13 hours ago, Gorby said:

It took me a few minutes and Google translate before that one clicked. 

 

I'm not used to having to work that hard to get a joke.

I can't be bothered

[Kiwidave4]

If you boil a funny bone does it become a laughing stock?

 

Thats humerus.

[jenko]

1 hour ago, Kiwidave4 said:

If you boil a funny bone does it become a laughing stock?

 

Thats humerus.

If you lie about it ...it's a fibula......

[Spookytooth]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:

“Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its’ heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.

“Try doing it with the engine running”

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."

But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."

Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"

 

Simon.

[Truro Model Builder]

Just read a book about an immortal dog.

 

It was impossible to put down.

[Truro Model Builder]

I'm off to see the Deed tribute act in November. Or Abba, as they used to be known before they were downgraded.