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Posted

A man walks into a timber yard and asks for some two-by-fours. 
The owner asks, "How long do you need them?" 
The man answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." 

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Posted

I went into a pet shop.

I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”

The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is!”

  • Haha 5
Posted

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name!

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Posted
4 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

I just ordered a new mattress, but I can't remember if I ticked the box for memory foam.

My memory foam pillow got Alzheimer's! The bugger went flat first night I used it. Couldn't get a refund on it either.

 

Thank you, back to the funnies,

 

Pete

 

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Posted

I had a go at cage fighting this weekend. Nobody told me those damned Budgies were vicious!

 

Regards

Pete

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Posted

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

 

 

 

Simon.

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Posted

Took the wife to the pub last night. I sat her down and put a whisky in front of her. She took a sip, screwed up her face in disgust and said, "That's awful!"

"Exactly," I told her. "And you think I'm in here every night ENJOYING MYSELF!"

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