-Ian- Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 My wife just accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. I was shocked, 'how could you say such a thing' I said. 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherry268 Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 To the person who has stolen my mattress...... i won't rest until I find you 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherry268 Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 The bank has turned down my loan application for my new business idea that offers a boxing club, dentist and manicurist all under the same roof But I'm going to fight tooth and nail to make it happen 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 I once tried hiring a boxer but the bottles kept slipping out of his gloves. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 I once tried to combine sado-masochism, necrophilia and bestiality. Then I realised I was just flogging a dead horse. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 "Alexa, why don't I have any luck with girls?" "My name is Siri." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swralph Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Watching the fireworks on bonfire night there was this pathetic rocket that went squeeeeek gnab. I thought that's bang out of order. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_W Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 This one was told to me by a Jewish friend Quote I went in to the kosher restaurant the other day. Got a lovely table by the window and a beautiful meal. Went back a week later and sat at the back, the meal was awful. So, I complained to the manager and he said. "What did you expect, last week you were sat in the window table?" 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you." Simon. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Richard a village doctor was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will. When he got home and told his wife asked of what he had seen and done. His wife asked, "Was the patient really that bad?" Richard said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only idiot called out on a night like this." Simon. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy! Simon. 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 I was busy following a recipe and it said, "... chill in the fridge for an hour." Well I've got a book, some snacks and a pint but it's really cramped in here. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Came home yesterday to find my wife wearing a Policewoman's uniform, holding a pair of handcuffs and telling me I was under arrest for the crime of being good in bed. 5 minutes later all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago." Simon. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” His wife got up, Kissed him ever so gently, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. Simon. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 I was dating an Air Hostess from Helsinki a while back. I dropped her off at work one day and she just disappeared into Finnair.... 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 A driver tucked a note under the windshield wiper of his automobile saying, "I've circled this block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park in this no-parking zone I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled this block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." Simon. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinnerboy Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 3 hours ago, Dave Swindell said: I was dating an Air Hostess from Helsinki a while back. I dropped her off at work one day and she just disappeared into Finnair.... that is so bad it's positively brilliant 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted February 10, 2021 Share Posted February 10, 2021 The best definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis........ Simon. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted February 10, 2021 Share Posted February 10, 2021 Paddy was visiting friends but as the evening wore on it started to rain - absolutely chucking it down. There was no sign of it easing off so the host said, "Look, Paddy, you're welcome to stay the night. I'll turn down the spare bed for you." Half an hour later the doorbell went and the host was surprised to find Paddy there, soaked to the skin. "Where on earth have you been?" he asked. Paddy replied, "I went home for my pyjamas." 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 Question :...... If I have a green ball in my left hand and a green ball in my right hand. What do I have?? Answer :..... The undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mick4350 Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 21 minutes ago, jenko said: Question :...... If I have a green ball in my left hand and a green ball in my right hand. What do I have?? Answer :..... The undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant. Or a moth ball in your right hand and another moth ball in your left hand. Bloody big moth. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 'An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him. "Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life !". The drunk looks at her and asks "How do you know that drinking is so bad for you ?". The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says "Have you ever even tried a drink ?". The nun admits she hasn't, so the drunk tells her "Listen, I'll go into the bar and order myself a drink and I'll get one for you too. I'll bring it out here and you can taste it yourself and see that alcohol is nothing bad.". The nun reluctantly agrees, but says, "I don't want anybody out here getting the wrong idea about me, so would you mind bringing me the drink in a paper cup ?". The drunk agrees to this and goes inside. At the bar he tells the bartender "Give me a double shot of whisky, and a second half shot in a paper cup." The bartender groans and says "Is that bloody nun out there again ?" ' Simon. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted February 11, 2021 Share Posted February 11, 2021 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted February 11, 2021 Author Share Posted February 11, 2021 I saw this man standing on one leg in front of the cash machine, so I went and asked if everything was alright. "Yes thanks," he said. "I'm just checking my balance." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts