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Kiwidave4

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About Kiwidave4

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    Male
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    New Zealand

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  1. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    But I only post the best ones on BM.............!
  2. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    I hear there's a new Irish dancing show called ‘Streamdance’. It’s similar to ‘Riverdance’, but it is only a tributary act.
  3. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    Sold my entire collection of Dusty Springfield CD's. Now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.
  4. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    Went to see a touring Spanish magician. For his finale he said he would disappear. He stood centre stage, counted, "Uno, dos......." Then vanished without a tres!
  5. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    Just spent $300 to hire a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it!
  6. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    Got fed up trying to keep on top of all the DIY stuff round my house so got a local handyman in. Gave him a list of 10 jobs to do, but when he finished I found he had only done 1,3,5,7 & 9 on my list. When I asked him why he didn't do 2,4,6,8 & 10 he said he was only an odd job man.
  7. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    My wife said she wanted some peace and quiet while she cooked so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
  8. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    They told me I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic ..... but so far I've made 2 jugs and a vase!
  9. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    Thought we would get my granddaughter a bouncy castle for her Birthday party. The man said the rental would be $50, and the setting up fee $1000. I said, 'Thats outrageous". He said, 'That's inflation for you'.
  10. Had the same problem. Did not work out what it was until I started an all resin kit where I was into the CA all day long. Have resorted to wearing a face mask when using the stuff now. Expensive and inconvenient so I try to 'batch' my CA jobs.
  11. Kiwidave4

    Long (ish) Jokes.

    Dave wanted a job as a signalman on the railways and was really excited when told to meet the Inspector at the signal box for an interview. The Inspector asks, "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Dave says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains". "What if the lever broke?" asked the Inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box", said Dave, "and I'd use the manual lever over there". "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then", Dave continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box". "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case", persevered Dave, "I'd run down and use the public phone at the level crossing up there". "What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Trev". This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" "Because", says Dave, "he's always wanted to see a train crash".
  12. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    I was in the hardware shop this morning and asked this bloke, "What gets rid of grime and tough stains?" "Ammonia cleaner", he replied. "Sorry", I said, "I thought you worked here"
  13. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    A number of local toy-shops have reported that they have had kaleidoscopes stolen. A police spokesperson said they believe a pattern is forming.
  14. Kiwidave4

    Short Jokes III - Worst in the Series

    I just got back from hospital.......... They reckon I might have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. But at the moment it's hard to say
  15. Kiwidave4

    Long (ish) Jokes.

    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What grounds do you have for divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "But" he said, "what are the foundations?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town." "Do you have a grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport, so have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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