CliffB Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether / oar situation. Dick 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 5 Share Posted September 5 Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!” The patrolman said, “May I see your license?” Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say? ”Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!” Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.” Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!” Simon. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 8 Share Posted September 8 A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..." Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted September 9 Share Posted September 9 The local petrol station has banned me because they said I was playing 'The Who' too loudly on my car stereo. Well, I won't get fuelled again. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted September 9 Share Posted September 9 Want to hear some of my Chimney jokes? I've got a stack of them! First one's on the house...... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
593jones Posted September 9 Share Posted September 9 4 hours ago, Dave Swindell said: Want to hear some of my Chimney jokes? I've got a stack of them! First one's on the house...... That flue straight over my head. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted September 9 Share Posted September 9 Breast let them go to pot before they get swept away. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted September 9 Share Posted September 9 So old, you must have got them from Dick Van-Dyke 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevehnz Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 Looks like a clean sweep on that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted September 10 Share Posted September 10 I used to have terrible trouble with seat belts. But then one day it just clicked 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted September 11 Share Posted September 11 16 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said: I used to have terrible trouble with seat belts. But then one day it just clicked What, no Clunk? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted September 11 Share Posted September 11 6 hours ago, Dave Swindell said: What, no Clunk? Yes, when the penny dropped.... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted September 12 Share Posted September 12 I bought an alcoholic ginger beer last night. He wasn't happy. 4 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 12 Share Posted September 12 Two English butchers, who hated each other, were doing business across the street from each other for ten years. For the full ten years they always competed for the other's business. One butcher would put up a sign reading, "Sirloin: £2.50 a pound" and the other would put up a sign "Sirloin: £2 a pound." The first would put up a sign reading, "Whole pork loin: £1.85 a pound" and the second would, again, under-price him. This went on for the full ten years; back and forth, back and forth. One day the first butcher got a bright idea. Instead of advertising his prices he placed a professionally painted sign reading, "The Queen buys all her meats here." The next day another professionally painted sign appeared in the window of the butcher shop across the street which read, "God save the Queen." Simon. 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pig of the Week Posted September 12 Share Posted September 12 My mate says to me the other day... "I’m in love with Beyoncé " Me... "whatever floats your boat " Mate... "no, that’s buoyancy" 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted September 13 Share Posted September 13 I did my first nude painting today. The neighbours weren't happy but my front door looks great. 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinnerboy Posted September 13 Share Posted September 13 Got a caution from the Old Bill today, they said if I was going to walk around the house nude I should do it on the inside. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 When I told my flooring contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 Covid 19 update..................... Never in my wildest dreams did I think my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth. Dick 2 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fnick Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 Just in case this one didn't do the rounds here last year! Nick 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted September 20 Share Posted September 20 I don't know much about cars so am always worried I'll get conned when I take it to my local garage. You can imagine my relief when I was told the only thing it needed was indicator fluid. 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted September 20 Share Posted September 20 ^ Don't you just hate it when that happens? You would think German manufacturers would fit bigger reservoirs. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted September 20 Share Posted September 20 1 hour ago, bentwaters81tfw said: ^ Don't you just hate it when that happens? You would think German manufacturers would fit bigger reservoirs. I think ones on most German cars must have a bad leak. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony C Posted September 21 Share Posted September 21 (edited) Thank 617 Sqdn for that! Weellll, someone was going to say it.... Edited September 21 by Tony C 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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