Spookytooth Posted September 8, 2021 Posted September 8, 2021 A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..." Simon. 8
Kiwidave4 Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 The local petrol station has banned me because they said I was playing 'The Who' too loudly on my car stereo. Well, I won't get fuelled again. 13
Dave Swindell Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 Want to hear some of my Chimney jokes? I've got a stack of them! First one's on the house...... 5
593jones Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 4 hours ago, Dave Swindell said: Want to hear some of my Chimney jokes? I've got a stack of them! First one's on the house...... That flue straight over my head. 6
jenko Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 Breast let them go to pot before they get swept away. 2
bentwaters81tfw Posted September 9, 2021 Posted September 9, 2021 So old, you must have got them from Dick Van-Dyke 4
Pete in Lincs Posted September 10, 2021 Posted September 10, 2021 I used to have terrible trouble with seat belts. But then one day it just clicked 5
Dave Swindell Posted September 11, 2021 Posted September 11, 2021 16 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said: I used to have terrible trouble with seat belts. But then one day it just clicked What, no Clunk? 2
Pete in Lincs Posted September 11, 2021 Posted September 11, 2021 6 hours ago, Dave Swindell said: What, no Clunk? Yes, when the penny dropped.... 2
Kiwidave4 Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 I bought an alcoholic ginger beer last night. He wasn't happy. 4 12
Spookytooth Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 Two English butchers, who hated each other, were doing business across the street from each other for ten years. For the full ten years they always competed for the other's business. One butcher would put up a sign reading, "Sirloin: £2.50 a pound" and the other would put up a sign "Sirloin: £2 a pound." The first would put up a sign reading, "Whole pork loin: £1.85 a pound" and the second would, again, under-price him. This went on for the full ten years; back and forth, back and forth. One day the first butcher got a bright idea. Instead of advertising his prices he placed a professionally painted sign reading, "The Queen buys all her meats here." The next day another professionally painted sign appeared in the window of the butcher shop across the street which read, "God save the Queen." Simon. 1 1 2
Pig of the Week Posted September 12, 2021 Posted September 12, 2021 My mate says to me the other day... "I’m in love with Beyoncé " Me... "whatever floats your boat " Mate... "no, that’s buoyancy" 1 6
-Ian- Posted September 13, 2021 Posted September 13, 2021 I did my first nude painting today. The neighbours weren't happy but my front door looks great. 1 10
sinnerboy Posted September 13, 2021 Posted September 13, 2021 Got a caution from the Old Bill today, they said if I was going to walk around the house nude I should do it on the inside. 7
Kiwidave4 Posted September 18, 2021 Posted September 18, 2021 When I told my flooring contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare. 1 8
jenko Posted September 18, 2021 Posted September 18, 2021 Covid 19 update..................... Never in my wildest dreams did I think my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth. Dick 2 7
Fnick Posted September 18, 2021 Posted September 18, 2021 Just in case this one didn't do the rounds here last year! Nick 1 11
-Ian- Posted September 20, 2021 Posted September 20, 2021 I don't know much about cars so am always worried I'll get conned when I take it to my local garage. You can imagine my relief when I was told the only thing it needed was indicator fluid. 1 9
bentwaters81tfw Posted September 20, 2021 Posted September 20, 2021 ^ Don't you just hate it when that happens? You would think German manufacturers would fit bigger reservoirs. 3
-Ian- Posted September 20, 2021 Posted September 20, 2021 1 hour ago, bentwaters81tfw said: ^ Don't you just hate it when that happens? You would think German manufacturers would fit bigger reservoirs. I think ones on most German cars must have a bad leak. 3
Tony C Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 (edited) Thank 617 Sqdn for that! Weellll, someone was going to say it.... Edited September 21, 2021 by Tony C 2
Selwyn Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 On 9/18/2021 at 8:55 AM, jenko said: Covid 19 update..................... Never in my wildest dreams did I think my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth. Dick I still haven't got over the fact that they wouldn't let me into my local bank branch without wearing a mask! Selwyn 2 1 7
GordonD Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 My postman got the shock of his life when the door opened and I was standing there stark naked. He had no idea I knew where he lived. 9
Spookytooth Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.Rustom about enlarging her breasts. Dr Rustom advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. 'Rustom 's?' 'Yes I am.. How did you know?' He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...." Simon. 9
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