GordonD Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 Man walking along the canal towpath when he comes across Noddy Holder, fishing. "Catch anything, Noddy?" he asks. Noddy says, "Yes, I caught a whale but I threw it back." "Whatever for?" the man asks. Noddy replies, "Half the spokes were missing." 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 Saw this on the BBC news website and it made me smile a bit I just love it when the animal world makes humans look twice https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-latin-america-59136233 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 Old age is really playing tricks with my mind. I have deja-vu and short term memory loss. I keep thinking I've forgotten this before. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 We are going to have a 'Secret Santa' thing in the old folks home this year. It's very easy to organise, we buy our own presents. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 I first realised I had memory problems when I would forget to do up my zip after having a pee. I realised it was getting bad when I started forgetting my zip before I had a pee. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 They advertised a TV programme about false memories. I'm sure I've seen it before.. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted November 4, 2021 Share Posted November 4, 2021 I bought a nice sweater from a factory seconds outlet….... Its not perfect but you’d never notice that one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two. 1 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 Questions to keep you awake all night # 1 Can you imagine a world without hypothetical situations? 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 Questions to keep you awake all night # 1 Why isn't all butter shortbread just a packet of butter? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 Questions to keep you awake all night # 1 After eating, do frogs have to wait an hour before getting out of the water? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 Questions to keep you awake all night # 1 If people from Poland are Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 Or, to borrow from the immortal Lonnie Donegan, "if tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?" (And no doubt those of a certain age can sing along ...) 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (Only a fraction of you will get this one) 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One of them is a heavy animal and the other is a little lighter.What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One of them is a very heavy animal and the other is a little lighter. I do like these daft ones. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. [Is that too rude for here?] 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 My ex-wife, who knew nothing about cars, once surprised me by phoning up and saying, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburettor." I said, "How on Earth do you know that?" And she said, "I just drove it into the canal." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 Time for your medication, Mr Smith 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JOCKNEY Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 I was speaking to a guy at work who failed his aboriginal music exam, so I asked him "did-you-re-do-it" ? 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 1 hour ago, Pete in Lincs said: Time for your medication, Mr Smith You are taking the P 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 On 11/5/2021 at 9:57 PM, Bertie Psmith said: If people from Poland are Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? "Ireland for the Irish! And Peckham for the peckish!" 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 Manningtree Station, on the Suffolk/Essex border: Big official sign: Harwich for the Continent, and scrawled underneath Frinton for the Incontinent. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 1 hour ago, bentwaters81tfw said: Manningtree Station, on the Suffolk/Essex border: Big official sign: Harwich for the Continent, and scrawled underneath Frinton for the Incontinent. The original version....... Dover for the continent ....Eastbourne for the incontinent. Or to put it another way.... choice of day trips for the care home. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whofan Posted November 8, 2021 Share Posted November 8, 2021 On 05/11/2021 at 21:57, Bertie Psmith said: Questions to keep you awake all night # 1 If people from Poland are Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If people are called Canadians, why don't they live in Canadia? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 Sign in one of the old fashioned train toilets DO NOT FLUSH THE TOILET WHILE THE TRAIN IS STANDING AT A STATION and pencilled underneath Except at Slough. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 9, 2021 Share Posted November 9, 2021 Old bloke goes into the butcher's shop "Do you keep drippin'?" "Certainly, Sir." "So do I. Disgusting ain't it?" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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