drdjp11 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 I always wanted to be a motivational speaker but, eh, I just couldn't be bothered. 3
drdjp11 Posted November 9, 2021 Posted November 9, 2021 Why do teenage girls only hang out in odd numbers? Because they just can't even.
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 What do you call someone who's just sold off his entire collection of vintage tractors? An extractor fan. 2
Bonhoff Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 Once upon a time there lived a German named Hans. Each day, before work, he'd go fishing. Every fish he caught he would smack it on a rock to make sure it was dead. Then he went to work as a health visitor to local schools. His job was to cure teenagers with acne using milk. Hence the song... # Now hans who kills fishes can heal spots on a face with some white cream dairy liquid !!# 1 10
Bonhoff Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 2 hours ago, Bonhoff said: Once upon a time there lived a German named Hans. I was then reminded of this version of the above joke.... A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examined the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!" A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows...... That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!" 2 8
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 1 hour ago, Bonhoff said: I was then reminded of this version of the above joke.... A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examined the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!" A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows...... That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!" From the radio show 'My Word' written by Dennis Norden and Frank Muir. That's real old school humour for those of us 'mature' enough to recall the advertising jingle. Wonderful to be reminded of it. 2 2
RAF4EVER Posted November 10, 2021 Posted November 10, 2021 2 hours ago, Bertie Psmith said: From the radio show 'My Word' written by Dennis Norden and Frank Muir. That's real old school humour for those of us 'mature' enough to recall the advertising jingle. Wonderful to be reminded of it. 3 1
roginoz Posted November 11, 2021 Posted November 11, 2021 (edited) Bloody earworms !! Edited November 11, 2021 by roginoz spelling :o{ 4
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 11, 2021 Posted November 11, 2021 4 hours ago, roginoz said: Bloody earworms !! I had that too! Must be a brilliant advertising jingle. 2
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 11, 2021 Posted November 11, 2021 A bloke goes to the doctor "I'm suffering from... brrrrp!... continuous and terribly smelly... brrrrp!... farts, Doc. Is there anything... brrrrp!... you can do?" "Sure. Hop up on the couch" says the doc, as he picks up a long pole with a hook on the end. "What the hell ... brrrrp!...are you going to do ... brrrrp!...with that?" exclaimed the man. "I'm going to open the window." 1 4
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 11, 2021 Posted November 11, 2021 "Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed a bone!" "Are you choking?" "No, I really did." 1 2
Pete in Lincs Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 It was a sawn off shotgun wedding. The bank job paid for the honeymoon. 1 1
RAF4EVER Posted November 12, 2021 Posted November 12, 2021 15 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: It was a sawn off shotgun wedding. The bank job paid for the honeymoon. 2
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 I wonder where forest rangers go to get away from it all? 1
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 I wonder why they are called stairs inside a building and steps outside? 2
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 I wonder what occasional tables are when they aren't being tables? 4
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 I insured my car recently on a 'fire and theft' policy. It was such a bargain I had to ask them why it was so cheap. The bloke on the phone said, "Well sir, we've never had to pay out on any of those policies. Nobody would ever steal a burnt car." 3
Kiwidave4 Posted November 16, 2021 Posted November 16, 2021 Had an accident on my first day at the glass blowing factory. I inhaled instead of exhaling and now I've got a pane in my lungs. 5 1
Fnick Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 I told one of my colleagues I thought my wife was having an affair with my best friend. When he asked me why I thought that I replied: Well for the last few weeks he has been looking really miserable. 1 10
Pete in Lincs Posted November 17, 2021 Posted November 17, 2021 She asked, 'How much should I spend on you for Christmas? What do you really want?' I said, 'How about three figures?' She got me Mary, Joseph and one of the shepherds 2 5
Kiwidave4 Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 Popped into the local cafe and bumped into a bloke I used to work with who has a really bad stutter. He started to tell me about his Nana, but by the time he was finished the entire place was singing 'Hey Jude'. 1 11
CliffB Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 Wife texts husband on a bitterly cold winter morning: "Windows frozen here. Won't open" Husband replies: "Try pouring warm water" 10 minutes later another text from the wife: "Computer a real mess now". 8
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 A drummer, after being teased by the rest of the band for years, decides to learn a 'real' instrument. He goes to the music shop and says "I want to buy that trumpet and that accordion please." "Well sir, I can let you have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay here." 1 8
Bertie McBoatface Posted November 18, 2021 Posted November 18, 2021 I play guitar. Arguably I'm one of the best guitarists in England. It's not an argument that I've ever won, of course. 3
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