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Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser


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18 minutes ago, Bertie Psmith said:

Aviation Special.

 

How do you know there's a pilot in the bar?

 

He'll tell you.

 

See also:

 

Lead singers

Scuba divers

Yorkshiremen

Vegans

iPhone owners

 

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20 hours ago, Bandsaw Steve said:

Mary had a little lamb

and could not get to sleep.

Whenever she tried counting it,

there was just that one sheep

 

 

 

Or as my Granddad was fond of reciting to amuse us wee ones:

"Mary had a little lamb,

You've heard that tale before...

But did you know she passed her plate

And had a little more?"

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On 04/08/2021 at 14:59, Bertie Psmith said:

Aviation Special.

 

How do you know there's a pilot in the bar?

 

He'll tell you.

 

I suppose with time passing the days of the WIWOL’s* in the bar are fading too

 

 

WIWOL - When I was on Lightnings

 

 

 

 

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Self:  I think I'm going to have to go on a diet and take more exercise.

SWMBO: Why?

Self: Just been checking my clothes in the wardrobe, I can't get most of my jeans and trousers on.  Must have put on a lot of weight.

SWMBO:  All my clothes fit me.

Self:  Yes, but you were fat when you bought them.  Ouch!

 

Think before you speak, Dave, think before you speak!

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On 8/5/2021 at 6:24 PM, Bandsaw Steve said:

Mary had a little lamb

and could not get to sleep.

Whenever she tried counting it,

there was just that one sheep

 

 

 

Mary had a little lamb

The Doctor was surprised. 

But when Old MacDonald had a farm

The Doctor nearly died

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On 8/7/2021 at 11:30 PM, 593jones said:

Self:  I think I'm going to have to go on a diet and take more exercise.

SWMBO: Why?

Self: Just been checking my clothes in the wardrobe, I can't get most of my jeans and trousers on.  Must have put on a lot of weight.

SWMBO:  All my clothes fit me.

Self:  Yes, but you were fat when you bought them.  Ouch!

 

Think before you speak, Dave, think before you speak!

thinking to myself whilst recovering in hospital ...🙊

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On 07/08/2021 at 14:30, 593jones said:

Self:  I think I'm going to have to go on a diet and take more exercise.

SWMBO: Why?

Self: Just been checking my clothes in the wardrobe, I can't get most ...

In a similar vein: 

 

swmbo: does this dress make me look fat?

Me: no that will be your poor diet and lack of exercise...

 

Nick

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3 hours ago, Fnick said:

In a similar vein: 

 

swmbo: does this dress make me look fat?

Me: no that will be your poor diet and lack of exercise...

 

Nick

Go directly to the undertaker's.

Go directly; do not pass Go; do not collect $200.

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Wife to husband while arguing:- “You and your football. You think more of Rangers than you think of me”

 

husband:- “I think more of Celtic than I think of you. “
 

Other intense sport rivalries/ undeclared warfare are available

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A radio station serving Devon and Cornwall have sadly announced they will discontinue their regular classic rock programme due to arguments about whether Cream should be played before or after The Jam.

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