2024 Bunfight Poll

[Enzo the Magnificent]

1 minute ago, Angus Tura said:

I'm impressed with your build rate.

 

It's not a reasonable build rate.  It's an obsession!   

[trickyrich]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.

 

Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. 

 

I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. 

 

What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. 

 

Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

 

I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!

 

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

 

I fear for the calendar. It's days are numbered.

[vppelt68]

13 hours ago, Enzo the Magnificent said:

 

Dyslexia lures.   

Dailysex?

[Ray S]

Two cows in a field.

 

One said 'moo'

 

The other said 'I was gonna say that'

[Enzo the Magnificent]

Two fish in a tank.

 

One says "How on earth are you supposed to drive this thing?"

 

 

[Marklo]

I’m (not sure why) reminded of my Heisenberg joke.

 

Heisenberg is driving down the autobahn and is stopped by the police. 

 

‘Do you realize what speed you were doing mr Heisenberg?’

 

’no but I know exactly where I am….’

 

I’ll get my coat….

[Enzo the Magnificent]

1 hour ago, Marklo said:

Heisenberg is driving down the autobahn and is stopped by the police.

 

Erwin Schrodinger is driving down the same autobahn and is stopped by the same officer who decides to search his vehicle.

 

"What do you have in the boot?" asks the officer.

 

Schrodinger replies, "A cat."

 

The police officer opens the boot and is shocked.  "Do you know this cat is dead?"

 

Schrodinger replies, "Well it is now!" 

[psdavidson]

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

 

[Hockeyboy76]

Two parrots sat on a perch,

one says to the other “Can you smell fish?”

 

[JOCKNEY]

7 hours ago, vppelt68 said:

Dailysex?

 

If only !  

[Hockeyboy76]

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.
 

What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

[vppelt68]

What's in common with a puppy and a myopic gynecologist? Moist tip of their noses.

 

How does a blind parachutist know when to open the chute? When the strap of his guidedog loosens.

[trickyrich]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

"And what do you infer from these stars?"

"Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:

Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear.

Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant.

What about you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"

------------------------------------

How many marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The lightbulb contains the seed of its own revolution.

 

Why do Marxists only ever drink horrible tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

 

 

Seeing the zen master on the other side of a raging torrent, a student waved his arms and shouted out, "Master, master, how do I get to the other side?"

 

The master smiled and said, "You are on the other side."

[Rabbit Leader]

What do you call a Spaniard that loses his car? 

 

….. Carlos! 

[Marklo]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head…

 

Cliff!

 

What do you call a man with a rabbit in his pants…

 

Warren! 
 

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other….

 

Eileen!

 

What do you call a woman with both legs the same length..

 

Noleen!

[Hockeyboy76]

What do you call Harry Potter in a plane?

The flying sorcerer

[trickyrich]

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.

 

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

 

What did one eye say to the other? Just between you and me, something smells.

 

What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking?

Alpaca lunch.

 

Never trust a statistician. They’re always plotting something.

 

How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.

 

Why does the Little Mermaid wear Sea Shells?

Because D shells were too big!

 

------------------------------------------

 

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”

[vppelt68]

That penguin joke blew me 😳 

[CliffB]

Tony:  "Please don't say my name backwards"

Me: "Why not?"

[Hockeyboy76]

When I meet new people I always talk about my giant pet penguin...
It's a good ice breaker

 

Why don’t polar bears and penguins get on?
Because they are polar opposites

 

What do you call a penguin with no eye?
Pengun

 

Why don't you ever see penguins in Great Britain?
Because they're scared of wales

 

How do penguins know when there's something wrong?
It smells a bit fishy

[wimbledon99]

Two old ladies sitting on a beach when a streaker runs past; causing one to have a stroke. The other was upset as she couldn't reach!

 

Two nuns in a bath. One says "Where's the soap?"; the other says "Yes, it does rather, doesn't it!"

[nimrod54]

Two young men sunning themselves on a beach when suddenly an old lady streaks past them.

'What was that?' said one of the men.

The other says 'I don't know, but it needed ironing.'

[trickyrich]

Did you hear the police found a misspelled message written in blood? Yeah, they suspect it was a type-o.

 

I took my ailing Iguana to the vet recently, and she prescribed him Viagra. Apparently, it’s designed to treat a reptile dysfunction.

 

I fired my masseuse today. He just rubbed me the wrong way

 

Guy walks into the bar with jumper cables over his shoulder. Bartender says, “Don’t start anything!”

 

Did you hear about the Norwegian robot that analyzed a bird? Yeah, it’s Scandinavian.

 

-----------------------------------------

 

A local bartender was working late one friday night when a patron comes running through the door.

Patron: "HELP! I need to know how tall a penguin is!"

The bartender puts out his hand and says "probably this tall"

The patron looks terribly concerned and he says "Oh no! I think I just ran over a nun!"

 

[Peter Lloyd]

7 hours ago, trickyrich said:

Did you hear the police found a misspelled message written in blood? Yeah, they suspect it was a type-o.

 

I took my ailing Iguana to the vet recently, and she prescribed him Viagra. Apparently, it’s designed to treat a reptile dysfunction.

 

I fired my masseuse today. He just rubbed me the wrong way

 

Guy walks into the bar with jumper cables over his shoulder. Bartender says, “Don’t start anything!”

 

Did you hear about the Norwegian robot that analyzed a bird? Yeah, it’s Scandinavian.

 

-----------------------------------------

 

A local bartender was working late one friday night when a patron comes running through the door.

Patron: "HELP! I need to know how tall a penguin is!"

The bartender puts out his hand and says "probably this tall"

The patron looks terribly concerned and he says "Oh no! I think I just ran over a nun!"

 

 

Why do the Norwegians paint bar codes on the side of their battleships?  So when they return to port, they can Scandanavian.

[theplasticsurgeon]

On 11/15/2022 at 10:31 PM, Enzo the Magnificent said:

Yep...   I know...   We've only just finished the Bunfight for 2023!  Now the cycle starts all over again.

 

I will add proposals to the ballot as and when they make the grade.  This thread will be locked until 1 October next year, at which time the insanity recommences again!   In the meantime you have ten months to ensure your knives are sharp!

 

 

It's 01 Oct 2023, am I the only person queuing outside the polling station?