LorenSharp Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 A vast understatement if I ever heard one. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Learstang Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 (edited) On 20/12/2023 at 04:28, general melchett said: As for the Harrow Crystal Meth rematch, well, that's still in review since the last venue was razed to the ground following a misunderstanding regarding the offside/backside rule and the use of flammable liquids and naked flames. If I've said it once, well I will have only said it once, but flamethrowers simply do not belong on the pitch whilst the match is still going on. Post-match, of course, they're part of the traditional victory celebration, along with the firing of a few 75-mm howitzers, a couple of Brenguns, and a rush into the stands with fixed bayonets by the King's Own 4th Yorkshire Fusiliers, to disperse the hooligans that remain. When it comes to football, I admit to being a bit of a traditionalist. Best Regards, Jason Edited December 21, 2023 by Learstang Minor changes. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LorenSharp Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 10 hours ago, general melchett said: My dear Marshal, I have no intention of going to gaol or suffer any other form of incarceration over the festive period unless it involves the mancave, an unblemished copy of King & Country, and a good supply of single malt. As for the Harrow Crystal Meth rematch, well, that's still in review since the last venue was razed to the ground following a misunderstanding regarding the offside/backside rule and the use of flammable liquids and naked flames. Terrible business, but at least we gallant few who survived the ordeal were deemed worthy winners—five burned bottoms to one....hoorah. Talking of awful phrases...'reach out', 'run it up the flagpole', 'let that sink in', 'pretty ugly' and almost anything that escapes Baldrick's lips comes to mind. Or could say you overcame your trial by fire... as it were., so to speak. "I'll be lettin' meself out now. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 I have it on good authority that the trial by fire was cancelled due to heavy rain (It is Lincolnshire after all) and because of what the cat did to the matches. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Learstang Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 12 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: and because of what the cat did to the matches. Marking its territory, was it? Best Regards, Jason 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LorenSharp Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 figures.... where's a good firebug when you need them. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 23 minutes ago, Learstang said: Marking its territory, was it? It was a favourite of a certain Mr Milligan. It turned up in several of his writings. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
general melchett Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 Quote I have it on good authority that the trial by fire was cancelled due to heavy rain (It is Lincolnshire after all) and because of what the cat did to the matches. Sadly not, it was an indoor event...not that that stopped Baldrick, it was only the quick thinking of the regimental cat, Ludendorff, that kept the place from complete incineration. Quote flamethrowers simple do not belong on the pitch whilst the match is still going on. Post-match, of course, they're part of the traditional victory celebration, Beg to differ old fruit but since the introduction of the much lauded 'five yard rule', in May 1914, heavy mortars, rocket propelled grenade launchers and ranged incendiary devices ie flamethrowers, have all been allowed on the pitch during play to be sensibly deployed wherever needed, mostly focused around the goal mouth and the opposition team's changing room (proportionate to the state of play of course, must exercise a modicum of imperial isonomy. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 20, 2023 Share Posted December 20, 2023 8 minutes ago, general melchett said: the regimental cat, Ludendorff, Still around is he? Rumour has it that he was 'liberated' from a post war Panzer laager on lüneburg heath one dark evening, by the junior officers out on a lark. Aside from minor scratches and the use of a ration pack tin of sardines, I hear it all went swimmingly. You may know more? 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
general melchett Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Quote Still around is he? Technically, no, it would make him 105 years old, or even worse, 601 in cat years. However, through the powers of modern science, he's been preserved in a jar of Old Moorhead's Shredded Sporran to be wheeled out on special occasions such as the annual reunion of the battle of Mboto Gorge and the reliving of the Battle of Ombdabumbum out in the Sudan, under my old house master and head fag thrasher, major general Herbie 'rides again' Kitchener. The cat played a vital role in the retelling of his encounter with the Mad Mahdi, Muhammad Ahmad the Mad...a bit too colourful to go into here; suffice to say the Mad Mahdi lives up to his name and doesn't fare too well. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 You're as daft as I am. Good job the Martian is sane. Otherwise we'd all be doomed.... 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LorenSharp Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Ahem....Sir Pete.... Define Sane? aside of "something we're not...." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 7 minutes ago, LorenSharp said: Define Sane? Still awaiting the medical reports. His Doctor sent us a nice Christmas card though. Hand coloured, and inside the lines. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandy Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 On 12/20/2023 at 2:28 PM, general melchett said: Talking of awful phrases...'reach out', 'run it up the flagpole', 'let that sink in', 'pretty ugly'..... Don't forget "moving forward". Whatever happened to good old "in future" or "from now on"? I blame the ex-colonials to the West! Ian 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martian Posted December 21, 2023 Author Share Posted December 21, 2023 19 hours ago, general melchett said: Beg to differ old fruit but since the introduction of the much lauded 'five yard rule', in May 1914, heavy mortars, rocket propelled grenade launchers and ranged incendiary devices ie flamethrowers, have all been allowed on the pitch during play to be sensibly deployed wherever needed, mostly focused around the goal mouth and the opposition team's changing room (proportionate to the state of play of course, must exercise a modicum of imperial isonomy. Sounds more like a bog standard Oxford United vs Swindon Town match rather than the Harrow vs Crystal Palace picnic. Although as the actual Crystal Palace was destroyed by fire on 30th November 1936, perhaps the General could now shed some light on this mysterious event? Martian 👽 3 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said: You're as daft as I am. Good job the Martian is sane. Otherwise we'd all be doomed.... Of course I am sane! Wibble, wibble, barf, barf, nerr bong. 21 hours ago, LorenSharp said: figures.... where's a good firebug when you need them. You need my Sister-in-Law, Rachel, she's a certified pyromaniac and somewhat worryingly, spending Christmas at Martian Towers. The Poole Fire Brigade have consequently had all leave cancelled over the festive period. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Learstang Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 21 hours ago, general melchett said: Beg to differ old fruit but since the introduction of the much lauded 'five yard rule', in May 1914, heavy mortars, rocket propelled grenade launchers and ranged incendiary devices ie flamethrowers, have all been allowed on the pitch during play to be sensibly deployed wherever needed, mostly focused around the goal mouth and the opposition team's changing room (proportionate to the state of play of course, must exercise a modicum of imperial isonomy. Well, yes of course, around the goal mouth. Along with machine guns, although I still think nothing bigger than .303-inch should be allowed, as the .5-inch guns make too much of a mess and make it too difficult to identify the poor beggars for a proper Christian burial in the carpark. Ah for the simplicity of the Lord Protector's time, when sabres and muskets were the order of the day. Still, progress marches on and it's only a matter of time before the human goalkeepers are replaced by AI-powered androids (sure to be an increase in intelligence with that), and lasers replace the more genteel weapons of our time, such as the rpg. Always the Best, Jason 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Ooh! Me Sir, Me Sir! What if the ball could only be kicked a random number of times before it blows up? Such fun! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martian Posted December 21, 2023 Author Share Posted December 21, 2023 Talking about bottom burping fixtures: it is not a widely known fact that all 92 clubs of the British Bottom Burping league made a essential, if somewhat smelly contribution to the war effort during WW2. In foggy weather, they lined up alongside runways with an member of the airfield's ground crew beside every individual team member, carrying a lighted taper and were used for fog dispersal. The system was known as FIDO (F$*t Intensive Dispersal Odiferous). I understand @general melchett was called out of retirement to head up the organisation. Martian (Purveyor of Interesting Facts to the Universe Since Earth Date 13.12.1961). 👽 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Were they fuelled by mushy peas? If so, imported or bog standard? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
general melchett Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Quote Still, progress marches on and it's only a matter of time before the human goalkeepers are replaced by AI-powered androids (sure to be an increase in intelligence with that), We've already started the process, although I wouldn't bet too heavily on the intelligence part, Darling has been replaced by 'Balls to the Wall Banksy' Baldrick, an automaton if ever there was one...cheap to run (turnip oil) and disposable....however there was one small problem.....Transuranic nuclear waste is waste contaminated by nuclear elements heavier than uranium, such as diluted plutonium or one of Baldrick's Filet Mignon in Bearnaise sauce. The United States has only one deep geologic repository for the disposal of defence-related transuranic waste, the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant (WIPP) near Carlsbad, New Mexico. Sadly the Low Level Waste Repository (LLWR ) site at Sellafield is not even suitable for the disposal of one of Baldrick's second hand Plum Duffs so it's off across the pond for him. Quote I understand general melchett was called out of retirement to head up the organisation. Indeed I was, unfortunately FIDO was a complete and abject failure, due to the ingestion, by some members of the team, of unsuitable matter prior to a mission, leading to a certain amount of premature detonation...not enough of the team ground crew and service operatives remained to make the operation tenable so the idea was shelved. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 It does explain the shape of the Goose neck runway lamp though. I think Captain Darling should look into the matter. It sounds right up his, erm, street 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martian Posted December 21, 2023 Author Share Posted December 21, 2023 14 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: Were they fuelled by mushy peas? If so, imported or bog standard? I believe baked beans washed down with some of Lady Melchett's effluent wine was the preferred fuel. 2 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: It does explain the shape of the Goose neck runway lamp though. I think Captain Darling should look into the matter. It sounds right up his, erm, street I think he may have already done so. At least, judging from the way he was walking during our last visit to Melchett Towers. Martian 👽 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
corsaircorp Posted December 21, 2023 Share Posted December 21, 2023 Here is FIDO team in training... Oh Lord, I missed a lot on this thread.... I have to catch up.... .303 ??? It's a pea shooter, I start to listen with a .44 Magnum.... Sincerely. CC 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martian Posted December 22, 2023 Author Share Posted December 22, 2023 15 hours ago, corsaircorp said: Here is FIDO team in training... Oh Lord, I missed a lot on this thread.... I have to catch up.... .303 ??? It's a pea shooter, I start to listen with a .44 Magnum.... Sincerely. CC That video had to come up sooner or later and, quelle surprise, it had to be you CC! I suspect @general melchett recognises that lot from when he bottom burped for the England "Gentleman's" First Fifteen. We await further enlightenment.... Martian 👽 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Learstang Posted December 22, 2023 Share Posted December 22, 2023 (edited) What a relief! This thread was in distinct danger of becoming a modelling thread, what with His Martianship prating on about his 'Zeppelins'! Now it's back to where it should be, absurdist football matches and breaking wind! Huzzah! Yours with Relief (not of the geological kind, although when lying down, my stomach can resemble a mountain), Jason Edited December 22, 2023 by Learstang Small change. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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