Short clean jokes. Mk.Vl.

[Dave Swindell]

5 hours ago, 2996 Victor said:

What sort of shoes do frogs wear?

 

 

Open toad sandals.

🎩 🧥

Funny you mention that, did you know the designer was French?, Monsieur Phillippe Philloppe...

[Admiral Puff]

(Insert Groan icon here ...)

[Bullbasket]

A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the floor and drag him out of the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers. “Here’s your husband!” “Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”

[Pete Robin]

On 6/14/2024 at 11:14 PM, Admiral Puff said:

(Insert Groan icon here ...)

We definitely need a "groan" icon.

The strange thing is, they're usually the funniest of all 

 

Regards

Pete

[pigsty]

The word most often spelled inaccurately is "innacurately".

[ArnoldAmbrose]

8 hours ago, pigsty said:

The word most often spelled inaccurately is "innacurately".

Are you shure about that?

[matford]

The scene a boating lake

Lad - "Come in number 89 your time is up.   Come in number 89!"

Boss returning from lunch - "Anything wrong?"

Lad - ""Yes sir, number 89 should have returned quarter of an hour ago, but look they refuse to listen"

Boss - "But we only have 70 boats"

Lad - "Ahoy number 68 is anything wrong?"

[Bullbasket]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[matford]

The first joke I learnt:

 

Q Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

A To see his flat mate.

 

 

One of the oldest jokes I know - it is genuinely two thousand years old!

 

A country bumpkin on his first trip to Rome is being shown round by a eunuch.

The Yokel asks 'was that your wife I saw you talking with?'

The eunuch explains that he can't have a wife and what becoming a eunuch involves.

The Yokel replies 'Was it your daughter then?'

 

 

[matford]

The oldest known joke is Ancient Sumerian and is something like this:

 

A new amazing thing occurred, something that has never happened since the creation of the world!

A young wife sat on her old husband's lap without farting.

 

[Pete Robin]

From being born, my parents bathed me in Australian beer.

I only just worked out that I was Fostered.

 

Pete

[Admiral Puff]

I say again - Fosters is NOT beer!!

[Pete in Lincs]

[psdavidson]

I asked my daughter to hand me the phone book. 
She laughed at me, called me a boomer and gave me her iPhone. 

 

So, the spider is dead, her iPhone is broken and my daughter is furious 

[Fnick]

5 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

It's only when you know that the Police song "Every breath you take" is about a stalker that the words make sense...

 

Nick

[Selwyn]

On 6/21/2024 at 4:27 PM, Bullbasket said:

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

A man walks into a bar and asks for ten double whiskies, he then proceeds to quickly down each one in  one gulp .

The barman taken aback says, "are you OK?"

"Yes says the man. When you have got what I have, you have to drink really fast."

"Why, what have you got?"

"50 pence!"

 

Selwyn

[Dave Swindell]

[jenko]

It's Ikea.

 

You need everything crossed when you are building it.   

[psdavidson]

Anything I buy from there always ends up looking like that at the first attempt

[Andy H]

I've read all of Stephen King's books. He wasn't very happy when he found me in his library.

[Pete in Lincs]

Andy, that joke is going to haunt you for years to come..

[flyboy2610]

5 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

Andy, that joke is going to haunt you for years to come..

But he's his biggest fan!

[Bullbasket]

Three brothers wanted to give their blind mother a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.

[Pete Robin]

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

 

Take away their little brooms.

 

Pete

[Pete Robin]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine. I only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It's great tho, it does everything .... Kit Kat, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps the lot!

 

Pete