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Short clean jokes. Mk.Vl.


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I watched an episode of Masterchef Australia last night.

They guy that won made a meringue and the crowd went nuts, clapping and cheering.

I thought that was a bit odd as Australians usually boo meringues.

 

I'm off, catch ya laters

Pete

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14 hours ago, Pete Robin said:

Australians usually boo meringues.

Where's that 'groan' icon when we need it. 😫 (Actually I thought it was very good.) 🙂 Regards, Jeff.

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It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!

 

Simon

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When dealing with mathematicians, is there safety in numbers ,

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A: "Why are you late?"

B: "There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill."

A: "That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?"

B: "No, I was standing on it."

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Found some interesting facts about Yul Brinner today.

Didn't know he was a Liverpool FC fan.

He also never ever used aftershave.

Amazing, I know, Yul never wore cologne.

 

Byeeeeeee

Pete

 

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On 30/05/2024 at 18:15, Spookytooth said:

It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!

 

Simon


 

reminded me of a true story. My wife left to do shopping telling me to get some of the DIY paint work jobs done. I did some interior work and after a few hours got a text saying she was on the way home.  I grabbed a picture hook and nailed it to the front door that was due a paint anyway and hung two outdoor jackets on it. When she arrived she asked what’s that all about. I said I’ve done what you asked and put two coats on the front door. 
 

Some folk just don’t have a sense of humour. The bruises went away after a week :fight:

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18 hours ago, Admiral Puff said:

Only a week? You didn't get a serious belting, then?

 

 

Im so lucky.  She's a wonderful wife.  Considerate.  Never hits me where the bruises show

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A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses.

Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

 

Simon 

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On 5/19/2024 at 4:00 AM, flyboy2610 said:

In the Army we had a saying "Never listen to a 2nd lieutenant. They'll get you killed."

Also known as twooey looey's.

Remember, the most dangerous thing in the world is an officer with a map..........!

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7 hours ago, Selwyn said:

Remember, the most dangerous thing in the world is an officer with a map..........!

Nope.Two officers with two maps in the same tank turret.

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University Challenge Food Quiz.

 

 

Here's your starter for 10.

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A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.
“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time,

So the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly,

“Good morning, Johnny.”

“Good morning, Pastor,”

he replied, still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor, what is this?”

The pastor replied,

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Johnny’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

“Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?”

 

Simon 

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One Sunday morning in Sunday school, little Johnny's teacher asked the question "Who wants to go to Heaven?"

Every child in the class raised their hand except Johnny.

Curious, the teacher walked over to him and asked "Johnny, don't you want to go to Heaven when you die?"

Johnny replied "Oh, yes ma'am, when I die. But I thought you were getting together a load for right now!"

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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

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Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "There's someone at the door. I'll get it”.

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Two elderly ladies were playing cards at a senior center one afternoon.

One lady said "You know, we've been friends for decades, and I'm afraid that my age has really affected my memory, but for the life of me, I can't remember what your name is. Could you please remind me?"

The other lady didn't say anything, just gave her a cold, blank stare.

The first lady said "Please don't be angry with me! I truly feel terrible about this, but I just can't remember your name. For the sake of our long friendship, could you please remind me just this once?"

The second lady didn't say anything for several seconds, then asked quietly "How soon do you need to know?"

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Husband at the wheel (wife beside him) is doing about 77 mph in a 70 mph zone, when he is stopped by traffic enforcement.

“You were doing 77 in a 70 zone” says the police officer.

“No, I wasn’t - more like 71” replies the husband.

“It was definitely 77 from the reading I have here” says the officer.

“Your device must be wrong, it was definitely only about 71” comes the further response from the husband, when his wife suddenly leans over to the officer and says: “Oh, don’t mind him, he always gets a bit argumentative when he’s had a few drinks"

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