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W have a large family event coming up that I REALLY don’t want to go to. I have tried telling the family I have cholera, typhoid and beriberi but, even though we live in Blackpool and so all are entirely plausible, I still have to go.

 

Whilst I am almost resigned to this, I thought I would open the floor to see if the BM missive could come up with any better excuses. 
 

Just a bit of fun so the funnier and more outlandish the better.

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How about selecting one from the menu of excuses used by the new (but not quite open) Co-op Live arena in Manchester for when they cancel events? Although I suppose saying some of your air-conditioning ducting has fallen from the ceiling, or that some critical safety system hasn't yet been signed off, might not work for you. I'm sure they have others available though.

Mark

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You were kidnapped by aliens who insisted that you built a perfect scale model of their intergalactic star ship before they would release you ?

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Posted (edited)

When faced with such situations (which are fortunately very rare) I just say no! Works for me 😁

 

Regards,

 

Steve

Edited by fatfingers
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Just do the "new normal" thing...

"We have conducted a risk-assessment of this event and a non-compliance notice order will be issued shortly" sort of thing.

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Steve's just say no may have some merit, but the problem with it is collateral damage. I tend to go along with these on the basis that the alternative could be worse. Mrs T has a very strong sense of family, which I don't really share, and I have long dincs discovered that a lack of enthusiasm will be appropriately punished. You need to look for positives, like is there free drink and decent food? I was sent to a big wedding anniversary do that clashed with the local air show. What made it bearable was that the catering was arranged by the wife who had a catering company. Had the best and biggest barbecued steak I have ever tasted, followed by perfect meringues and cream with fresh fruit. Oh, and as a bonus, the Vulcan popped by. 

As the old saying has it 'You can chose your friends, but not your family' 

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I have to say my approach is very much like Mr Ts - probably because my wife’s reaction would be the same if I just refused to go.

 

As it happens, it wasn’t tooooo bad (still trying to convince myself tbh) - food was OK and plentiful and the venue laid on a second, quiet room where we could get away from the ear splitting rumpty pumpty music for a while (if only to save my watch giving me constant noise level warnings).


Oh, and we left at 10:30 after I fell asleep (I’ll try that early if there is a next time…)

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Skateboard has a puncture, too busy cleaning the gene pool, moral compass needs recalibrating, checked out of my Californian hotel but they're not letting me leave, can't drive my new Chinese car because the speedo is in Mandarin.....

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Just feign feeling ill ( fairly wide choice available depending on your acting skills) on the morning of the day and say "sorry dear, you'll just have to go yourself, and tender my apologies" etc.. difficult to disprove and too late to rearrange anything. 

I rather liked Woody Allen's "I'm having my hat blocked" though... 

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Feigning illness is never a starter, Mrs T being a recently retired Advanced Nurse Practitioner meant that she has GP plus levels of diagnosis skills, and knows exactly what questions to ask. Given that I specialised in a teaching area that didn't require highly up to date clinical skills, I am over matched. Mind you at 70, there are enough real thhings to go wrong. 

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12 minutes ago, Mr T said:

Feigning illness is never a starter, Mrs T being a recently retired Advanced Nurse Practitioner meant that she has GP plus levels of diagnosis skills, and knows exactly what questions to ask. Given that I specialised in a teaching area that didn't require highly up to date clinical skills, I am over matched. Mind you at 70, there are enough real thhings to go wrong. 

Blimey didn't realise the Mrs was a medic, that'd need more advanced "Stanislavski method" techniques to flannel through a reasonable "sickie"... 

Just stab your thumb with a Stanley knife or something , it's probably worth it by the sounds of it 😁

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As an ex-nurse myself I know when I am outclassed, think of 1944-1945 Luftwaffe Bf109G pilots being thrown into battle with about 100 flying hours being thrown into battle against P51D and Tempests who 'rookie' pilots had three to four times the hours and gyro gunsights. This gives you an idea of the mismatch. Once the offspring went to UNI, they told us about how all their friends pulled sickies by deceiving their parents, and complained that having both mum and dad as nurses gave them no chance.

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I expect your Mrs has done a few Psych modules too, so we can't really go from that angle... y'know the pencils up nose, pants on head etc. 

Can't go full Billy Liar either, so and so's having their leg off type thing....

... OK, what about you get your mate to phone you a while before you leave, he can be your old university chum who saved you from drowning, so you owe him big time.. Anyway his girlfriend has just walked out and  abandoned him, he's absolutely devastated and needs the immediate support only a real genuine old pal can provide.. He can't carry on.. Sob...etc

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57 minutes ago, Pig of the Week said:

Actually forget all that.. A short while before you're due to leave, sneak out to the car and swap all the HT leads round.. You won't be going anywhere.. 😁

 Genius!

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Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, Pig of the Week said:

Actually forget all that.. A short while before you're due to leave, sneak out to the car and swap all the HT leads round.. You won't be going anywhere.. 😁

At least not until your significant other gets the breakdown service out. . .

 

Then you will initially go to the event, arriving a bit later than originally planned, followed by a trip to the doghouse. 

 

Before trying this, I think that a risk assessment is in order.

 

Which of these two excursions will be the least unpleasant and of the shortest duration?

Edited by Paul Lucas
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9 minutes ago, Paul Lucas said:

At least not until your significant other gets the breakdown service out. . .

 

Then you will initially go to the event, arriving a bit later than originally planned, followed by a trip to the doghouse. 

 

Before trying this, think that a risk assessment is in order.

 

Which of these two excursions will be the least unpleasant and of the shortest duration?

Ahh, but how long will it take the breakdown muppet to suss the unlikely cause that the leads have been swapped? 

Plus if and when he does, you've got the "those bloody kids.." get out clause 😁

 

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19 hours ago, Mr T said:

think of 1944-1945 Luftwaffe Bf109G pilots being thrown into battle with about 100 flying hours

Legend has  it that, during the Battle of Britain, some new RAF pilots went into combat with less than 10 hours solo-flying under their belts. How accurate is this? To be honest, I don't know, but it's a chilling idea, if true. 

 

Cheers.

 

Chris.

 

 

 

 

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