Alex Gordon Posted March 12 Share Posted March 12 What's brown and sticky? Denso Tape. I'll bet you thought I was going to say Stick... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted March 12 Share Posted March 12 What's brown, sticky, smells of s and begins with D Demerara Never could spell sugar 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Robin Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey - but I've managed to turn myself around. If you are attacked by clowns - go for the juggler first. Dogs can't operate MRI scanners - but catscan. I went to the Air and Space Museum but there was nothing there. Why do farmers always put the gates where it's muddiest? Regards Pete 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 Why do the French eat snails? They don`t like fast food. Simon. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 I named my pooches Timex and Rolex They're my watchdogs 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like to hear my opinion of your work?" "Yes," the artist replies. "It's worthless," the critic says. "I know," the artist replies, "but let's hear it anyway." 1 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-64976183 As the BBC announce a recent sharp rise in UK cases of gonorrhoea, a No 10 spokesperson categorically denies any link to the government's covid 19 "Clap for the NHS" campaign. 2 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?" 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 CAT RULES: 1. The cat is not allowed on the furniture. 2. Alright, the cat can go on the furniture, but NOT the kitchen counter. 3. OK, the cat can go on the kitchen counter too, just not when I'm preparing the food. 4. Fine. The cat can go wherever it wants, whenever it wants, as long as it doesn't swat me in the face at 5:30 in the morning demanding to be fed. 5. The cat will be fed at 5:30 in the morning. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 You forgot the most important one: 6. You will do whatever the cat dictates. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 In which case I'm a psychopath ... doubly so, probably, because I don't use sugar, either! And what else would you do with anything that does something like the second paragraph to coffee? 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!" 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 My Sat Nav keeps nagging me about exceeding the speed limit. It never says 'well done' when I drive below the speed limit. Whatever happened to the carrot & stick method of teaching? 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Robin Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 Just had one of "those" thoughts: Just how do dragons blow out candles? Regards Pete 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 Why is there only 1 Monopolies Commission? 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matford Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 2 hours ago, Pete Robin said: Just how do dragons blow out candles? 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted March 24 Author Share Posted March 24 An Englishman walks into a pub in Wales and orders a pint. As the bar goes dead silent, he's uncomfortably aware all eyes are upon him..... "Where are you from?" says the barman; "You sound English.." "I'm from across the Severn," he replies nervously. "What do you do, across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?" "I mount animals." "It's alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us!". Simon. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PattheCat Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 A short but not that "clean" one: A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation. The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..." "Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman." Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..." "Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man." "Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom." "Why, honey?" "Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute." 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberDaveToo Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 A man is sitting on a bench at a street corner when funeral procession slows to a stop at the intersection as police attempt to clear the road so they can continue. At the head of the procession is a man in a red convertible with a big German Shepherd in the passenger seat. the man on the bench notices very long line following the hearse. The guy on the bench calls out to the one in the convertible. "excuse me for asking, but who died?' The man in the car says, "My mother in-law." "Really? How'd she die?" The man pats the dog and says "This dog killed her." The guy on the bench ponders a moment and asks, "Hey, can I borrow your dog?" The guy in the car thumbs toward the rear and says "Get in line..." 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious. And then I saw her face... 12 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 4 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious. And then I saw her face... Anyone under 50 will struggle with that Pete. John. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 4 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said: My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious. And then I saw her face... I take it you believe her now? 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PattheCat Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 I'm well over 50 so I could have told you she would, ..... Not a trace of doubt in my mind 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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