Vince1159 Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 On 1/23/2023 at 3:01 PM, Pete in Lincs said: For my mates birthday I told him he'd achieved a unique goal. Does he play in the premiership.... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted February 3, 2023 Share Posted February 3, 2023 One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?" 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted February 4, 2023 Share Posted February 4, 2023 Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark." 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2996 Victor Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 Hat, coat, door..... 2 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted February 11, 2023 Share Posted February 11, 2023 In every Koi fish pond at least one in four isn't real. You've got the A,B, and C fish, and then the D Koi. 2 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted February 11, 2023 Share Posted February 11, 2023 A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests." 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted February 11, 2023 Share Posted February 11, 2023 The school outing to the sewage farm was interesting. Didn't think much of the farm shop, though. Just a load of crap. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted February 11, 2023 Share Posted February 11, 2023 Scientists have finally determined the weight of a rainbow: it's pretty light. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 A ship carrying red paint collided last night with a ship carrying purple paint. The crews have been marooned. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?” He said, “Of course. Which one?” I said, “William.” 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it. 1 9 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 My wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm. 1 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted February 18, 2023 Share Posted February 18, 2023 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted February 18, 2023 Share Posted February 18, 2023 A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles. The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once." 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted February 18, 2023 Share Posted February 18, 2023 It's only now I realise that taking a dog named Shark to the beach was a mistake... 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 I went to the doctor's this morning and told him that every time I cough, I hear words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen. He said I had a chess infection 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 Thank you. We'll let you know. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 4 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said: Thank you. We'll let you know. Not sure which reaction to that is the most appropriate 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 5 hours ago, psdavidson said: I went to the doctor's this morning and told him that every time I cough, I hear words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen. He said I had a chess infection You need to get checked out mate 👍 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigdave22014 Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 What do we want? Airplane noises! When do we want them? Neeow! 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted February 20, 2023 Share Posted February 20, 2023 6 hours ago, psdavidson said: I went to the doctor's this morning and told him that every time I cough, I hear words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen. He said I had a chess infection Bit of a rookie joke if you ask me 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 I helped my neighbour out with something this morning and she said to me "I could marry you". I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return. 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selwyn Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 Did you hear about the Painter and Decorator who always made love to his wife on the floor because he liked a Matt finish? Selwyn 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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