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Short Clean Jokes V


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Tom and Dick go hunting in the woods and get lost. Tom remembers that the international signal in this situation is to fire three shots in the air


Dick shoots into the air three times and they wait but no one comes. Tom shoots into the air three times but no one comes and again they wait. It starts to snow really heavily and the sun is fast dropping behind the horizon.


"Well this is it" says Dick, "one last go. If this doesn't work, we're done for. We only have three arrows left."

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The worker bee comes home to the hive and says ...

Hi honey I'm  home.

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A guy and his wife were driving to spend a day at the beach, on the way, they see a sign that says the beach is now open for topless sunbathing.

She declares she's going out topless, he says "no, you're not!" They get into a heated argument, and by the time they get to the parking lot, they're not speaking to each other.

She gets out of the car, takes her top off and struts off to the beach leaving him in the car seething.

As she makes her way to the beach, another guy walking to the parking lot stops and says something to her and she runs back to the car in tears.

He thinks the guy insulted her and demands to know what he'd said.

Through sniffles and tears she replied, "hey, buddy, ya' got a light?"

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Which boat trip is good for your cholesterol?


The Statin Island Ferry.

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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G.' The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

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 A Scotsman goes to see his doctor.

"Doc," he says, "ev'ry time ah goes tae the loo, it all comes oot smellin' o' chocolate and coakeynut."

"Aye, well," says the doctor, "wi' your diet, I'm no' surprised.  It's boun'tae!"

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Boy; "The headmaster is such a pillock. He couldn't even find his own backside unless he had a map."

Girl; "Do you know who I am?"

Boy; "No".

Girl; "I'm the headmaster's daughter".

Boy; "Do you know who I am?"

Girl: "No".

Boy; "Good", and walks away. 

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Some mates of mine will be celebrating Chinese New Year, combining it with Burns Night - a sort of Chinese Burns Night.

I don't want to go, but they're twisting my arm.

Edited by Ratch
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3 for the price of 1


I found a tennis ball while out jogging today and put it in my pocket to give the dog back home. As I stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to me couldn't help but notice the large bulge in my trouser pocket. “Tennis ball" I said. “Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

The tennis player never was able to get dates because of all of the backhanded compliments.

Never start dating tennis players because of the fact that love means absolutely nothing to them.

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My wife to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist to me: What does she mean?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun


My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."

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