Bertie McBoatface Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 If you strangle a smurf, what color does it turn? If you try to fail at something and accidentally succeed, what have you done? 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 Tom and Dick go hunting in the woods and get lost. Tom remembers that the international signal in this situation is to fire three shots in the air Dick shoots into the air three times and they wait but no one comes. Tom shoots into the air three times but no one comes and again they wait. It starts to snow really heavily and the sun is fast dropping behind the horizon. "Well this is it" says Dick, "one last go. If this doesn't work, we're done for. We only have three arrows left." 2 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted January 11, 2023 Share Posted January 11, 2023 The worker bee comes home to the hive and says ... Hi honey I'm home. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted January 12, 2023 Share Posted January 12, 2023 What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef . . 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberDaveToo Posted January 12, 2023 Share Posted January 12, 2023 Didja here about the fire at the Indian reservation? (It was in tents) 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberDaveToo Posted January 12, 2023 Share Posted January 12, 2023 I went to the dentist and said "hey doc, my teeth are yellow, what should I do?" He said "Wear a brown tie." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberDaveToo Posted January 12, 2023 Share Posted January 12, 2023 A guy and his wife were driving to spend a day at the beach, on the way, they see a sign that says the beach is now open for topless sunbathing. She declares she's going out topless, he says "no, you're not!" They get into a heated argument, and by the time they get to the parking lot, they're not speaking to each other. She gets out of the car, takes her top off and struts off to the beach leaving him in the car seething. As she makes her way to the beach, another guy walking to the parking lot stops and says something to her and she runs back to the car in tears. He thinks the guy insulted her and demands to know what he'd said. Through sniffles and tears she replied, "hey, buddy, ya' got a light?" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted January 12, 2023 Share Posted January 12, 2023 I have a joke about the Canadian Prime Minister, I'm not sure if it's Trudeau. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErikT Posted January 12, 2023 Share Posted January 12, 2023 Our Prime Minister IS the joke! 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberDaveToo Posted January 12, 2023 Share Posted January 12, 2023 (edited) 27 minutes ago, ErikT said: Our Prime Minister IS the joke! And here I was trying not to mention POTATUS... Edited January 12, 2023 by UberDaveToo 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted January 14, 2023 Share Posted January 14, 2023 Gravity is a fundamental force in the universe. Take it away and you just have gravy. 1 1 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 Which boat trip is good for your cholesterol? The Statin Island Ferry. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted January 17, 2023 Author Share Posted January 17, 2023 In 3,027 years time life will be really good or really bad. It's 5050. Simon. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G.' The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?" 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 A Scotsman goes to see his doctor. "Doc," he says, "ev'ry time ah goes tae the loo, it all comes oot smellin' o' chocolate and coakeynut." "Aye, well," says the doctor, "wi' your diet, I'm no' surprised. It's boun'tae!" 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 I see a bloke has over 4m followers on his "How to catch a virus" YouTube channel. He must be an influenza. 11 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted January 22, 2023 Share Posted January 22, 2023 Boy; "The headmaster is such a pillock. He couldn't even find his own backside unless he had a map." Girl; "Do you know who I am?" Boy; "No". Girl; "I'm the headmaster's daughter". Boy; "Do you know who I am?" Girl: "No". Boy; "Good", and walks away. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratch Posted January 22, 2023 Share Posted January 22, 2023 (edited) Some mates of mine will be celebrating Chinese New Year, combining it with Burns Night - a sort of Chinese Burns Night. I don't want to go, but they're twisting my arm. Edited January 22, 2023 by Ratch 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 For my mates birthday I told him he'd achieved a unique goal. His age now matched his waistline and his IQ. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe. 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 3 for the price of 1 I found a tennis ball while out jogging today and put it in my pocket to give the dog back home. As I stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to me couldn't help but notice the large bulge in my trouser pocket. “Tennis ball" I said. “Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!" The tennis player never was able to get dates because of all of the backhanded compliments. Never start dating tennis players because of the fact that love means absolutely nothing to them. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 27, 2023 Share Posted January 27, 2023 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dogtail2 Posted January 27, 2023 Share Posted January 27, 2023 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 My wife to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions. Therapist to me: What does she mean? Me: It’s a feminine pronoun My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was... I told her it was the dude from Sesame street She said, "He doesn't count." I said, "Oh I assure you, he does." 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Robin Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 The Past, Present and the Future went into a bar. It was intense. Regards Pete 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now