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Short Clean Jokes V


Spookytooth

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Three old men at the retirement home were complaining about growing old. The first one says, "I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a poop." The second one says, "Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to pee." The third one says, "I take a nice poop at 7:00 AM and about 7:30 AM take a nice pee." The other two guys look at him and ask, "What are you complaining about?" The third man explains, "I don't wake up till 8:30 AM."

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2 hours ago, scautomoton said:

.....and what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?...............correct, you throw in your dirty laundry

I remember getting all upset with a friend who told that joke.  I told him that it had really upset me as I actually had had an epileptic friend who lost his life in a bathtub. 

 

"Sorry mate", he says "Did he drown?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Nah mate, he choked on a sock!!!!"

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7 minutes ago, scautomoton said:

I randomly had a friend called Chris who pulled that same line on me after I told that joke once before. You didn't work at Jakins Christmas Trees once did you?

I so wish I could say I was that man!!!!

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"Right then, Mr Jenkins, your reincarnation papers have come through, and ... you'll be going back as a mayfly.  Have a nice day."

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17 hours ago, pigsty said:

"Right then, Mr Jenkins, your reincarnation papers have come through, and ... you'll be going back as a mayfly.  Have a nice day."

Good job my surname is Jenkinson :bleh:

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Breaking news: Generalissimo Francisco Franco appears to be winning his fight to remain dead!

(A running gag from Saturday Night Live back in the '70s.)

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12 hours ago, scautomoton said:

but wait, there are more!

 

Two Irishmen throwing stones at the floor.........one missed

Isn't that the definition of flying? The art of throwing oneself at the ground - and missing?

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3 minutes ago, Dave Swindell said:

Isn't that the definition of flying? The art of throwing oneself at the ground - and missing?

I think from a technical accuracy POV, that's the definition of orbital spaceflight.

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Just seen a new RSPCA advert for cat owners to get them to leave money in their Will.

Soft spoken mans voice asks, 'What will happen when you pass away?'

The obvious answer? THE CATS WILL EAT YOU!

 

Shouting at TV adverts - It's the next Olympic sport. 

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2 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

Just seen a new RSPCA advert for cat owners to get them to leave money in their Will.

Soft spoken mans voice asks, 'What will happen when you pass away?'

The obvious answer? THE CATS WILL EAT YOU!

 

Shouting at TV adverts - It's the next Olympic sport. 


As my son tells us all the time “You do realise if the cat was ten times bigger she would look at you and think play with it and then eat it”

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On 3/25/2024 at 9:32 PM, scautomoton said:

but wait, there are more!

 

Two Irishmen throwing stones at the floor.........one missed

Like the Irish parachutist who jumped out of the plane and missed the earth...................

 

Selwyn

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11 hours ago, Selwyn said:

Like the Irish parachutist who jumped out of the plane and missed the earth...................

 

Selwyn

That would be Paddy Lightyear?

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15 hours ago, Selwyn said:

Like the Irish parachutist who jumped out of the plane and missed the earth...................

Which was fortunate as his chute opens on impact. And he bought it outright, not leased it so there were no strings attached .   .   .

 

Yeah, I know, they're old ones so I'll get my coat. 😁       Regards, Jeff.

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Remind me of the guy being interviewed on the news after his near death experience on the mega bungee jump.  Every time he did a bounce he passed part of the cord and he could see that it was fraying more and more and getting worse with every bounce as he passed it going up or down.  He thought it was his last day on earth.  Luckily it stopped before it broke but only just.  Afterwards the tv news reporter asked how he felt.  The guy said "I thought the suspense would kill me".

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