Selwyn Posted December 27, 2022 Share Posted December 27, 2022 Did you hear about the multi millionaire dyslexic sex maniac who was so disappointed when he found out he had bought a warehouse? Selwyn 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted December 27, 2022 Share Posted December 27, 2022 or the dylexic Madam who went to see the stageplay "Warhorse" 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinnerboy Posted December 27, 2022 Share Posted December 27, 2022 The Chairman of the British Dylexic Assosiation (B.A.D) was awarded an OBE in the New Years Honours List. He said, what's the point, I can't play the bloody thing. 2 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinnerboy Posted December 27, 2022 Share Posted December 27, 2022 3 hours ago, Selwyn said: Did you hear about the multi millionaire dyslexic sex maniac who was so disappointed when he found out he had bought a warehouse? Selwyn I was disappointed the first time I went to ScrewFix, I thought it was a dating agency. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 (edited) What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down, and a dog with 1 leg raised in the air? Spoiler Shake hands Edited December 29, 2022 by RAF4EVER 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 I just read in the newspaper that a runner did the 100 meter race in only eight seconds. I'm not taking it too seriously; I think it's a sprinter's error. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 I once worked for MI5 as an undercover sheep farmer. I was a shepherd spy 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 I wouldn't say my car was old but it's insured against fire, theft and Vikings. 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 Politicians and diapers/nappies have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis. 1 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted December 31, 2022 Share Posted December 31, 2022 I got a surprise yesterday when I was offered the post of Chief Librarian in the town library. However, once I explained that they lived four doors along from us the postman continued on his round. 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 Whats the difference between a paparazzi and a snail? A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a gastropod. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 OK, if you want to play that game: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a slime-sucking, mud-grovelling bottom dweller, the other's a fish. Edit: For the record, I should note that I practiced as a solicitor for forty years before retiring and returning to the human race. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 You are trapped on a desert island with Hitler, Stalin, Caligula, Genghiz Khan and a Lawyer. You have a revolver with four bullets in it. What is the best course of action? Shoot the lawyer, four times, just to be certain.. 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 I found out today that, according to statisticians, 3 out of every 4 people make up 75% of the population 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selwyn Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 A man was undergoing psychological tests and was given the following problem to solve: You have been shipwrecked on a desert island with no power, food, or water. By your estimation you are at least 2000 miles from any human habitation. What three things would you choose to take with you as you abandon ship to ensure your survival and rescue? The man thought for a moment. "I wouldn't need three things, I would only require one item to ensure my survival. I would take a deck of cards." Curious, the psychologist was eager to understand how just a deck of cards would ensure survival and rescue. The man explained. " I would find a quiet sheltered spot on the island, open the deck, shuffle and then start playing patience." " And how would that save you?" Well I can guarantee that within five minutes some really annoying person would turn up from somewhere, and be looking over my shoulder saying, no! no! you want to put that card on that pile............." Selwyn 3 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted January 5 Author Share Posted January 5 Simon. 1 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 3 hours ago, Spookytooth said: Simon. Reminds me of the Dave Allen sketch 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 The biggest lie I tell myself is...'I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it' 2 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Robin Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 11 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: The biggest lie I tell myself is...'I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it' Problem is Pete, I DO write stuff down. Then I can't remember where I put the pieces of paper Regards Pete 4 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matford Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 On 1/5/2023 at 7:11 PM, Pete Robin said: Problem is Pete, I DO write stuff down. Then I can't remember where I put the pieces of paper Regards Pete These days I forget what I'm writing down as I'm . . . 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Oh dear. Only a week into 2024, and I've already broken my two New Year resolutions: not to keep adding one to every number ... 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 Laff, every time ... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 At the zoo was a sliced loaf in a cage. The Keeper said it was bread in captivity... 1 6 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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