Short Clean Jokes V

[pigsty]

"Luke Littler, future darts champion I'm sure, congratulations.  Just in case any of our viewers haven't heard, can you remind us how old you are?"

"Double eight!"

[flyboy2610]

Ole was a farmer. He had a female German Shepherd, and a prized ewe sheep. They both happened to give birth at the same time, but unfortunately the ewe died. Ole was concerned for the newborn lamb, and then he had an idea. "I'll yust slip da lamb in vit da puppies! Dat'll verk!"

And sure enough it did! That little lamb grew up right alongside those puppies, and did everything they did! That lamb had no idea he was a sheep, he thought he was a dog!

Many months later, as Ole was in town on some business, he happened to meet his good friend, Sven. They exchanged some small talk, and then Sven asked "Hey, Ole, how's dat lamb doing, da vun dat tinks he's a dog?"

Ole replied sadly "Oh, I had to rid uff him!"

"Oh, Ole, I'm sorry! Vy did you get rid uff him?"

Ole said "Vell, he started killing sheep!"

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

 

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[Black Knight]

I used to be obsessed with certain farm machinery. I collected every thing to do with tractors by International, John Deere, Massey-Ferguson, Ferguson, Ford and others. Then I decided to sell my collection and move on.

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I'm an ex-tractor fan

[Pete in Lincs]

I thought a romantic line might help with the pickup, I said I'm a Taurus, what sign were you born under.

I knew it was a fail when she replied MATERNITY ➡️

[jenko]

I've just noticed that the Eagles wrote a song about life in a British nuclear submarine base.

 

It's called ........... "Life in the Faslane"  

[jenko]

3 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

I thought a romantic line might help with the pickup, I said I'm a Taurus, what sign were you born under.

I knew it was a fail when she replied MATERNITY ➡️

 

She could have said Pyrex if she had been a test tube baby.

[psdavidson]

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool.

One turns to the other and says, “Have you read Marx?”

 

The other says, “Yes. It’s these darn wicker chairs.”

[pigsty]

A friend got me this book for Christmas - Couch to 5K.  It says with a few simple exercises you can start from nothing and end up running 5km in just ninety days.

Ruddy cheek!  Even I can run it faster than that.

[flyboy2610]

A magician was putting on a show at a local auditorium. After performing one particularly awe inspiring trick, a man in the audience called out "Can you tell me how you did that?"
The magician replied "I could, but then I'd have to kill you!"
The man was quiet for a moment and then asked "Well, could you tell my wife?"

[Circloy]

Uncle, what was it like when the world was black & white?

[Pete in Lincs]

It made decisions easier!

[jenko]

Hence the book 

 

50 shades of grey

10 hours ago, Circloy said:

Uncle, what was it like when the world was black & white?

 

Simpler

[Circloy]

Not saying it was cold today but there are three brass monkeys wandering around Glossop looking for welding equipment.

Edited January 18, 2024 by Circloy
Spelling - Blame it on a worn kypd.

[jenko]

10 hours ago, Circloy said:

Not saying it was cold today but there are three brass monkeys wandering around Glossop looking for welding equipment.

 

Technically ... that should be either hard soldering or silver soldering , Welding is for steel.  

 

Dick 

Going back to his craft teacher days  

 

 

[Black Knight]

yes, but what do brass monkeys know?

[jenko]

3 hours ago, Black Knight said:

yes, but what do brass monkeys know?

 

A brass monkey so I understand was the brass tray that they used to store canon balls on ....... when we had a navy.

 

Dick

 

Willing to be corrected on this.

[AV O]

18 hours ago, jenko said:

 

A brass monkey so I understand was the brass tray that they used to store canon balls on ....... when we had a navy.

 

Dick

 

Willing to be corrected on this.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brass_monkey_(colloquialism)
 

Supposed etymology

It is often stated that the phrase originated from the use of a brass tray, called a "monkey", to hold cannonballs on warships in the 16th to 18th centuries. Supposedly, in very cold temperatures the "monkey" would contract, causing the balls to fall off.[13]However, nearly all historians and etymologists consider this story to be a myth. This story has been discredited by the U.S. Department of the Navy,[14] etymologist Michael Quinion, and the Oxford English Dictionary (OED).[15]

They give five main reasons:

The OED does not record the term "monkey" or "brass monkey" being used in this way.

The purported method of storage of cannonballs ("round shot") is simply false. The shot was not stored on deck continuously on the off-chance that the ship might go into battle. Indeed, decks were kept as clear as possible.

Furthermore, such a method of storage would result in shot rolling around on deck and causing a hazard in high seas. The shot was stored on the gun or spar decks, in shot racks—longitudinal wooden planks with holes bored into them, known as shot garlands in the Royal Navy, into which round shot was inserted for ready use by the gun crew.

Shot was not left exposed to the elements where it could rust. Such rust could lead to the ball not flying true or jamming in the barrel and exploding the gun. Indeed, gunners would attempt to remove as many imperfections as possible from the surfaces of balls.

The physics does not stand up to scrutiny. The contraction of both balls and plate over the range of temperatures involved would not be particularly large. The effect claimed possibly could be reproduced under laboratory conditions with objects engineered to a high precision for this purpose, but it is unlikely it would ever have occurred in real life aboard a warship.

The phrase is most likely just a humorous reference to emphasize how cold it is.[15]

[Black Knight]

Two university lecturers were on holiday and were sun-bathing in the nude when they spotted a number of their students approaching

One lecturer threw a towel over his/her nakedness and the other threw a towel over his/her head and face

After the students had passed one lecturer asked the other 'why did you throw a towel over your face?'

'Because my students know me by my face. . . . ' 

[stevehnz]

On 1/19/2024 at 9:39 AM, Circloy said:

Not saying it was cold today but there are three brass monkeys wandering around Glossop looking for welding equipment.

 

On 1/19/2024 at 8:29 PM, jenko said:

Technically ... that should be either hard soldering or silver soldering , Welding is for steel. 

I think I'd prefer brazing if I was the monkey, a bit hotter but more permanent I believe.

This brought to mind something I got into trouble for as a lad, 9/10 age & as we all know, a fairly lowly form of male life. Guests at my parents dinner table were commenting on how cold it was to which muggins here piped up & said, cold enough to freeze the monkeys off a brass ball. I was sent down from the table & scolded for inappropriate language to which I argued I'd said nothing offensive. The male guest got it & took my side. I was allowed to remain at the table but later on my Dad told me in no uncertain terms, smart ar5ed comments would not be tolerated in the future. I still grin about it & have no idea from whence the comment came.

Steve.

[jenko]

49 minutes ago, stevehnz said:

 

I think I'd prefer brazing if I was the monkey, a bit hotter but more permanent I believe.

Steve.

 

Brazing uses brass spelter as the solder usually used on steel work. Otherwise you would be trying to join brass with brass.  

 

Dick

Edited January 20, 2024 by jenko

[Circloy]

On 19/01/2024 at 07:29, jenko said:

Welding is for steel. 

Not so

 

Quote from the welding institute: "Welding is a fabrication process whereby two or more parts are fused together by means of heat, pressure or both forming a join as the parts cool. Welding is usually used on metals and thermoplastics but can also be used on wood. The completed welded joint may be referred to as a weldment."

 

TWI

 

8 hours ago, stevehnz said:

a bit hotter but more permanent I believe.

Again see the link above (lower down the page) - Welding is hotter.

 

p.s. Can we et back to the jokes.

[psdavidson]

2 hours ago, Circloy said:

Can we et back to the jokes.

Typical, I suppose

almost every other thread on this site descends into anachic humour

It makes sense this one would ascend into a discussion on welding brass

 

/P

[Black Knight]

 

The worst pub I've ever been to was called the Fiddle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a vile inn...