Short Clean Jokes V

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[Bertie McBoatface]

I worry about the environment so I stopped making those carbon footprints. I just drive everywhere. 

[Paul Lucas]

21 hours ago, Spookytooth said:

 

Simon.

Channel 4, Boxing Day 26 December, 3.30pm.

Tell Big X.

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[Bertie McBoatface]

There was a young lady of Lynn, 
Who was so uncommonly, thin 
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade, 
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

 

There was an old man of Madrid, 
Who ate nineteen eggs for a quid.

When they asked, are you faint, 
He replied 'No I ain’t, 
But I don’t feel as well as I did.'

[Bullbasket]

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me five shots of your best scotch!" The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow, that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink!" says the bartender. "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies, "50 pence."

[Welkin]

There once was a runner named Dwight,
Who could speed even faster than light.
He set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

 

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheesemonger’s shop in Paree,
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

[Bertie McBoatface]

There was a young lady of Lancashire,

Who once went to work as a bank cashier.

Bur she hardly knew,

1+1=2

So they had to revert to a man cashier.

[Bertie McBoatface]

There was a young lady of Twickenham

Whose boots were too tight to walk quickenham.

She bore them a while,

But at last, at a stile,

She pulled them both off and was sickenham.

 

[Bertie McBoatface]

There was a young man of Japan

Whose limericks never would scan.

When they said 'But the thing,

doesn't go with a swing,'

He said 'Yes but I always like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can.

 

[Ratch]

There was a young girl from Devizes

Who had feet of two different sizes

One was so small

It was nothing at all

The other was big and won prizes

[Spookytooth]

 

Turkey/Brussel Sprouts anyone.

 

Simon.

[Pete in Lincs]

Just think,

maybe in a couple of days, or maybe even from tomorrow, you'll be able to turn on the radio without having to listen to those interminable Christmas songs!

This state of affairs could even last up to eight months if we're lucky!

[Admiral Puff]

35 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said:

Just think,

maybe in a couple of days, or maybe even from tomorrow, you'll be able to turn on the radio with having to listen to those interminable Christmas songs!

This state of affairs could even last up to eight months if we're lucky!

We should be so fortunate ...

[Fnick]

1 hour ago, Pete in Lincs said:

Just think,

maybe in a couple of days, or maybe even from tomorrow, you'll be able to turn on the radio with having to listen to those interminable Christmas songs!

This state of affairs could even last up to eight months if we're lucky!

That's the only saving grace I find about Halloween. It forces the shops to delay the Xmas onslaught until at least the 1st if November!

 

Nick 

[Admiral Puff]

The only good thing about this Christmas is that I only had to listen to The Little Drummer Boy once! Plenty of other saccharine crap on the radio, though. My CD collection got a good workout!

[Welkin]

At times I’m so mad that I’m hopping.
My angriness sets my veins popping.
I yell and I curse,
With swear words diverse,
But my wife does much worse: she goes shopping!

[Welkin]

A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A's and Lit.D's,
Collapsed from the strain,
Said her doctor, "It's plain
You are killing yourself—by degrees!"

[2996 Victor]

18 hours ago, Admiral Puff said:

The only good thing about this Christmas is that I only had to listen to The Little Drummer Boy once! Plenty of other saccharine crap on the radio, though. My CD collection got a good workout!

[Admiral Puff]

2 hours ago, 2996 Victor said:

Oh dear ...

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[flyboy2610]

In some parts of the world the phrase "walk the dog" has an entirely different meaning. Knowhutimean, Vern?

 

[Welkin]

The wife suggested we spice things up a bit and play Doctors and Nurses.

So I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for 48 hours!

[Alex Gordon]

3 hours ago, Welkin said:

The wife suggested we spice things up a bit and play Doctors and Nurses.

So I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for 48 hours!

Which one of you was on strike?

[RAF4EVER]

4 hours ago, Welkin said:

The wife suggested we spice things up a bit and play Doctors and Nurses.

So I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for 48 hours!

Who got no nookkie then?😈😈