ArnoldAmbrose Posted December 8, 2023 Posted December 8, 2023 3 hours ago, Fnick said: Which snake is good at maths? Wait for it... An adder Actually I believe the species nearly became extinct. When they slithered out of the Ark after the great flood Noah commanded "Go forth and MULTIPLY". Of course, they didn't know how to. (I'll get my coat). Regards, Jeff. 8
ArnoldAmbrose Posted December 8, 2023 Posted December 8, 2023 On 12/6/2023 at 4:05 AM, bootneck said: Didn't somebody, decades ago in the US, sue a microwave company, because it didn't say "do not put wet poodles into microwave to dry them after walks"? Mike That would not surprise me. It can't have been pleasant for the poodle. Regards, Jeff. 2
bentwaters81tfw Posted December 8, 2023 Posted December 8, 2023 That person should not be allowed to keep animals 1
Fnick Posted December 8, 2023 Posted December 8, 2023 To quote Einstein Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity 3 6
Fnick Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 More Christmas cracker jokes Which sheep are international singing superstars? Britney Shears and Lady Baabaa Nick 5
Spookytooth Posted December 9, 2023 Author Posted December 9, 2023 My Uncle had a bald head and he always had a comb with him. He could not part with it... Simon. 10
Pete Robin Posted December 12, 2023 Posted December 12, 2023 (edited) I shouted at the wife the other day "hey, what number do I wash this t-shirt on?". She shouts back, "What does it say on the t-shirt?". Me, "Errrmmmm Pink Floyd!". I know, i'll get me coat. Regards Pete Edited December 12, 2023 by Pete Robin bad grammar 13
Noel Smith Posted December 14, 2023 Posted December 14, 2023 Santa Claus is a complete and utter idiot! My house has 15 Windows and 3 external doors, but this guy still insists on entering the house by coming down the chimney! 1 4
Welkin Posted December 14, 2023 Posted December 14, 2023 I'm happy Ford didn't invent the aeroplane. It wouldn't have been Wright. 5
bootneck Posted December 14, 2023 Posted December 14, 2023 Mary and Joseph pitched up at the inn only to find it was full. Do you not have any room at all? asked Joseph, the inn keeper replied "sorry, we're absolutely full, don't you realise it's Christmas?". 7
flyboy2610 Posted December 15, 2023 Posted December 15, 2023 14 hours ago, Noel Smith said: Santa Claus is a complete and utter idiot! My house has 15 Windows and 3 external doors, but this guy still insists on entering the house by coming down the chimney! And every year you read about some buffoon that tried to do the Santa-down-the-chimney routine and had to have the fire department come and get him out! No matter how hard you try, you can't cure stupid. 2
pigsty Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 Apparently, Marcel Marceau died of gesticular cancer. 7
Vince1159 Posted December 19, 2023 Posted December 19, 2023 On 12/14/2023 at 10:06 AM, Noel Smith said: Santa Claus is a complete and utter idiot! My house has 15 Windows and 3 external doors, but this guy still insists on entering the house by coming down the chimney! You ever heard of top of thr range burglar alarms,he's only thinking of his customers and the amount of time/explanation he'd have to give to the cops.... 2
Bertie McBoatface Posted December 20, 2023 Posted December 20, 2023 Bertie's Loony Lexicon Volume Six Abandon - What a hat has Abundance - A waltz for cakes Adder - Someone good at arithmetic Addition - What a dinner table has Already - Completely crimson Angler - someone good at geometry That's your five definitions or I'm no adder. 7
Bertie McBoatface Posted December 20, 2023 Posted December 20, 2023 Bertie's Loony Lexicon - The Prequel Cantilever - Is the man unable to go away from the lady? Buoyant - Young male insect Dozen - the opposite of what one does Juggernaut - an empty jug Liability - capacity for uttering falsehoods 6
ArnoldAmbrose Posted December 21, 2023 Posted December 21, 2023 Apologies if this one has already been said :--- My son says it takes him two minutes to walk to the pub, but ten minutes to walk home. The difference is staggering. 😁 Yeah, I know, someone please hand me my coat. 🙂 Regards, Jeff. 6
Noel Smith Posted December 21, 2023 Posted December 21, 2023 (edited) A young boy excitedly opening his Christmas presents came across an Action Man box. When he opened it to his dismay it was empty. Dad! Dad! he cried there's no Action Man in the box! His dad kindly looked at him and said 'Ahh! That's because it's an Action Man Deserter son!' Edited December 21, 2023 by Noel Smith 6
2996 Victor Posted December 21, 2023 Posted December 21, 2023 I've been watching my weight for weeks. It's still there.... 4
Bertie McBoatface Posted December 22, 2023 Posted December 22, 2023 Said a man to his wife down in Sydenham 'My best trousers - where have you hydenham? It is perfectly true That they weren't very new, But I foolishly left half-a-quidenham.' There was a young dancer of Ipswich, Who made most astonishing skips, which So delighted a miss She said 'Give us a kiss!' He replied, 'On the cheek or the lips, which?' There once was a man of Calcutta Who spoke with a terrible stutter, At breakfast he said, 'Give me b-b-b-bread, And b-b-b-b-b-b-butter.' 6
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