Short Clean Jokes V

[Bullbasket]

Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

[Pete in Lincs]

[ArnoldAmbrose]

Gidday, that's a rather apt mascot for a 'Tiger' tank. Regards, Jeff.

[2996 Victor]

I wrote a tune about sewing machines.

 

I am now a singer songwriter.

[Black Knight]

An acquaintance bumped into me in the pub and whispered in my ear, 

"I was out on the rob last night and I stole two pictures, one worth £1.7 million and one worth £1.9 million" then he said "I've got them in the boot come and have a look".

He opened the boot

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and I said "You fool, you robbed an estate agent"

[Spookytooth]

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the man replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

 

Simon.

[flyboy2610]

Two nuns snuck out of the convent one evening and proceeded to get totally soused at a nearby tavern. Upon returning to the convent at around 2 AM, they proceeded to try to get over the high wrought iron fence.

As one nun was trying to boost the over over the fence, she giggled and said "I feel like a Marine!"

The other replied "So do I. But where are we going to find one at this time of night?"

[Welkin]

Einstein discovered a good theory about space and it was about time too.

[Pete in Lincs]

I just checked. I seem to have some unfinished procrastinating left over from yesterday.

[psdavidson]

1 hour ago, Pete in Lincs said:

I just checked. I seem to have some unfinished procrastinating left over from yesterday.

Too late to start it now. Leave it for tomorrow

[Bertie McBoatface]

On 02/12/2023 at 15:06, Black Knight said:

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You fool, you robbed an estate agent"

Took me two days to get that one. 🤔
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.  And now I wish I hadn’t. ☹️
 

[Bertie McBoatface]

Handle with Care - Product warning labels and instructions from around the world, some translated by Google, perhaps.

 

On a helmet mounted mirror for cyclists - OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU

On hair conditioner - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE

On a milk bottle top - KEEP UPRIGHT AFTER OPENING

On a flyspray - THIS PRODUCT IS NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS

On a hairdrier - DO NOT USE WHILE ASLEEP

On a bar of soap - DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP

On the bottom of a box of cheescake - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN

On a string of Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY

On a kitchen knife - WARNING - KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN

On a food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE

On an in-flight packet of peanuts - INSTRUCTIONS. OPEN PACKET. EAT NUTS.

On a ready meal - WARNING, PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING

On a superman costume - WEARING THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY

On packaging for a steam iron - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY

On a packet of raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR BREAKFAST CEREAL

 

 

[Bertie McBoatface]

The word lethologica describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

 

I don't know why I bothered to tell you that because you will never be able to remember it when you need it.

[Bullbasket]

23 minutes ago, Bertie McBoatface said:

you will never be able to remember it.

Remember what?

[Bertie McBoatface]

4 minutes ago, Bullbasket said:

Remember what?

Thursday. 

[Bullbasket]

2 minutes ago, Bertie McBoatface said:

Thursday. 

Yeah! Me too. Let's go get a beer.

[Bertie McBoatface]

2 minutes ago, Bullbasket said:

Yeah! Me too. Let's go get a beer.

You already said that. 
 

 

 

(your turn)

[ArnoldAmbrose]

2 hours ago, Bertie McBoatface said:

On an in-flight packet of peanuts - INSTRUCTIONS. OPEN PACKET. EAT NUTS.

On a ready meal - WARNING, PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING

On a superman costume - WEARING THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY

On packaging for a steam iron - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY

       These might sound silly or stating the bleeding obvious, but in this day and age people will sue manufactures if they do stupid things and get hurt, if the manual didn't tell them not to do it. I know of an instance where a guy put a 10mm drill-bit into a battery drill, poked it up his nose and turned the drill on, presumably to clear a blocked nose. It tore most of his nose off I believe. So he sued the manufacturer because the manual didn't tell him NOT to do it. I don't know the results of the law suit.

 

       And on a lighter note, in the bushfire brigade we've been issued with a tool we call the hooligan tool. I think it's sometimes called the Halligan tool. We use it for forced entry into car boots and bonnets etc to fully extinguish the fire. Our's is about two feet long, made from steel, is quite heavy and VERY solid, and I kid you not, it came in a box marked 'Fragile'. 🙂

       Regards, Jeff.

[Black Knight]

Advert for aspirin; 'Nothing works faster than xxxxx'

[Bullbasket]

1 hour ago, Bertie McBoatface said:

You already said that. 

Said what?

[jenko]

2 hours ago, Bertie McBoatface said:

Handle with Care - Product warning labels and instructions from around the world, some translated by Google, perhaps.

 

On a helmet mounted mirror for cyclists - OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU

On hair conditioner - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE

On a milk bottle top - KEEP UPRIGHT AFTER OPENING

On a flyspray - THIS PRODUCT IS NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS

On a hairdrier - DO NOT USE WHILE ASLEEP

On a bar of soap - DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP

On the bottom of a box of cheescake - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN

On a string of Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY

On a kitchen knife - WARNING - KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN

On a food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE

On an in-flight packet of peanuts - INSTRUCTIONS. OPEN PACKET. EAT NUTS.

On a ready meal - WARNING, PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING

On a superman costume - WEARING THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY

On packaging for a steam iron - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY

On a packet of raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR BREAKFAST CEREAL

 

 

 

Allergy advice on a packet of smoked salmon......................................... contains fish.  I kid you not have a look when next in Tesco etc. 

[Bullbasket]

1 minute ago, jenko said:

 

Allergy advice on a packet of smoked salmon......................................... contains fish.  I kid you not have a look when next in Tesco etc. 

That's very similar to the small complimentary packets of peanuts that some airlines used to dish out. The packaging had a warning on it saying "Warning.Contains nuts". And there's me thinking that it contained a strip cartoon with a dog named Snoopy!

 

John. 

[Pete in Lincs]

You spanner 🔧

[Bullbasket]

@Pete in Lincs I see that you put up a "confused" emoji. I think that Bertie was referring to the very top of this page.

 

John.

[593jones]

9 hours ago, Bertie McBoatface said:

Handle with Care - Product warning labels and instructions from around the world, some translated by Google, perhaps.

 

On a helmet mounted mirror for cyclists - OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU

On hair conditioner - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE

On a milk bottle top - KEEP UPRIGHT AFTER OPENING

On a flyspray - THIS PRODUCT IS NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS

On a hairdrier - DO NOT USE WHILE ASLEEP

On a bar of soap - DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP

On the bottom of a box of cheescake - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN

On a string of Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY

On a kitchen knife - WARNING - KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN

On a food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE

On an in-flight packet of peanuts - INSTRUCTIONS. OPEN PACKET. EAT NUTS.

On a ready meal - WARNING, PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING

On a superman costume - WEARING THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY

On packaging for a steam iron - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY

On a packet of raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR BREAKFAST CEREAL

 

 

 

On a packet of tea bags, it said 'Serving suggestion', with a picture of a cup of tea.