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Short Clean Jokes V


Spookytooth

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Chap goes into a cafe in Scotland and the waitress comes up to take his order.

"Awright, hen," he says, "could ah huv a quickie?"

"Aye, right," she replies, "any more o'that an' yer oot.  Whut d'ye want t'eat?"

"Ah tol' youse - ah want a quickie."

"Are youse lookin' for a slap?"

"It's right here awn the me-an-u - look!"

"A likely st- oh, ah see.  Ye bampot- do yez not know it's pronoonced KEESH?"

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Let's have a joyride with car brands.

 

What car does Luke Skywalker own?

- a To-yoda

and the Dalaï Lama?

- a Lotus

What brand do elderly people prefer?

- Old's-mobile

What are the brands that most often face lawsuits?

- Sue-baru and Sue-zuki

What's the only brand offering pure wool seat covering as an option?

- Lamb-orghini

What brands have the worst navigation systems?

- Maze-rati and Maze-da

What brand does most suffer of electronic problems?

- Bug-atti

What's the most laconic reaction you'll ever get from the owner of a German premium car when you're raving about it?

- Calm down, it's juste a Mere-cedes

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Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is football in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is football in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're in goal on Saturday”.

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4 hours ago, Bullbasket said:

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is football in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is football in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're in goal on Saturday”.

Not a problem for me - when I was a player, I was usually selected to play Left Right Out ...

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Two nuns were shopping. They passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?” The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer.

Since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand. “I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out the cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it shampoo.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”

 

Simon.

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A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"Anything from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."

"How does it work?" asked the customer.

"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

 

Simon.

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A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

 

Simon.

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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy good for nothings thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

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A bloke goes to a party, with a load of notices under his arm.  They all read things like Have Your Passport Ready for Inspection, and Goods to Declare, and Please Do Not Take Any Of The Following In Your Hand Luggage.  He gets talking to another guest, who tells him he’s a psychiatrist.

“I think you may have a problem,” the psychiatrist tells him.

“Oh really?” the other bloke replies.

“Yes … I wouldn’t normally diagnose someone on the spot, but in your case it’s pretty clear.  You have borderline kleptomania.”

“You know that just from talking with me?”

“Well, it’s not just that.  You’ve got all the signs.”

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THE CUSTOMER IS KING

 

On friends advice, a vegan couple goes to The Green Hill, a new restaurant.

And indeed the place looks charming, an old mansion surrounded by a well maintained small park.

They take a look at the menu displayed at the entrance but there are no vegan meals to see.

The woman: "Let's head off to our usual place"

The man: "As we are here, let's go in and ask. See, they say Here the customer is king. We always strive to please and find a way to satisfy the client's tastes"

The waiter directs them to a table and gives them the restaurant menu.

The man: "Do you have fresh vegan food?"

The waiter "Well sir, it's the The Green Hill Grill here but I certainly can ask our chef if he can prepare something appropriate and fresh. Fortunately It happens we had the lawn mowed this very morning"

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