Short Clean Jokes V

[Pete in Lincs]

[Spookytooth]

Along that line.

 

 

Simon.

[Circloy]

As the great comedian said, “Use the farce”

[Spookytooth]

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things. You live on the wrong side of the Ocean. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!!

 

Simon

[Bullbasket]

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "No," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only £500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

[Spookytooth]

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?'

'How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon

[Spookytooth]

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over."Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".

"Wow!" said the herder.

"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[Bullbasket]

I'm part Irish myself, but apologies anyway to our Irish members for the stereotyping.

 

So two Irishmen are travelling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

 

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[Pete in Lincs]

The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated.

Therefore the earth is flat.

 

I've got a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint Eatswood

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon

[Bullbasket]

A guy walks into a public toilet, sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm water sprays up his rear. “Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good.” So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his backside. “Mmmm. Nice!” So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows, he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room. “Nurse, Nurse! Where am I? What happened?” The nurse replies, “You must have missed the sign to not press the ATR button.” “What does ATR mean exactly?” says the guy. “Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”

[Spookytooth]

 

 

Simon.

[pigsty]

That stupid anagram ... doesn't know his ears from his bowel.

[Spookytooth]

 

 

Simon.

[pigsty]

Did you hear how that dyslexic rock star died?  Choked on his own Vimto ...

[Windz]

I have a fear of speed bumps………

but I’m slowly getting over it. 

[Windz]

Me: I want you to get the meat from the top shelf, but without using the step ladder. 
 

Butcher: I can’t! 
 

me: why?

 

Butcher: The steaks are too high. 

[Spookytooth]

 

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

 

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,

" Have a good day, Sir "...

 

Simon.

[Spookytooth]

 

 

Simon.

[Circloy]

I think my clock's pregnant - it's late again.