Pete in Lincs Posted September 16 Share Posted September 16 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 16 Author Share Posted September 16 Along that line. Simon. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted September 16 Share Posted September 16 As the great comedian said, “Use the farce” 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 17 Author Share Posted September 17 The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle... The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things. You live on the wrong side of the Ocean. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!! Simon 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "No," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only £500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!" 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 18 Author Share Posted September 18 A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?' 'How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!' Simon. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 20 Author Share Posted September 20 Simon 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 20 Author Share Posted September 20 There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over."Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" Simon. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 21 Author Share Posted September 21 Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted September 21 Share Posted September 21 I'm part Irish myself, but apologies anyway to our Irish members for the stereotyping. So two Irishmen are travelling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 21 Author Share Posted September 21 Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted September 21 Share Posted September 21 The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated. Therefore the earth is flat. I've got a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint Eatswood 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 21 Author Share Posted September 21 Simon 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted September 22 Share Posted September 22 A guy walks into a public toilet, sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm water sprays up his rear. “Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good.” So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his backside. “Mmmm. Nice!” So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows, he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room. “Nurse, Nurse! Where am I? What happened?” The nurse replies, “You must have missed the sign to not press the ATR button.” “What does ATR mean exactly?” says the guy. “Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.” 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 22 Author Share Posted September 22 Simon. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted September 22 Share Posted September 22 That stupid anagram ... doesn't know his ears from his bowel. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 23 Author Share Posted September 23 Simon. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted September 23 Share Posted September 23 Did you hear how that dyslexic rock star died? Choked on his own Vimto ... 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windz Posted September 23 Share Posted September 23 I have a fear of speed bumps……… but I’m slowly getting over it. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windz Posted September 23 Share Posted September 23 Me: I want you to get the meat from the top shelf, but without using the step ladder. Butcher: I can’t! me: why? Butcher: The steaks are too high. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 24 Author Share Posted September 24 Simon. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 25 Author Share Posted September 25 Simon. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 30 Author Share Posted September 30 A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!! The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "... Simon. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted October 1 Author Share Posted October 1 Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted October 1 Share Posted October 1 I think my clock's pregnant - it's late again. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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