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Short Clean Jokes V


Spookytooth

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True story

Met a guy who had worked on our house and got chatting. He told us that his wife had got him to sit down as she had some news that changed things. They were just about to go on holiday. She produced a plastic stick with a blue line. “Oh no” he says “That’s the holiday off. You’ve got covid”

 

”No you ***idiot. I’m pregnant” 

 

He is trying to live that one down 

 

 

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True story too!

 

One of my ex-colleagues a couple of months after his birthday realised some birthday cards were on the mantel piece. He turned to his wife and said: "my birthday cards have been there a while. Really should get round to binning them". His wife then left the room without saying a word.

 

Those weren't his birthday cards...

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52 minutes ago, Fnick said:

True story too!

 

One of my ex-colleagues a couple of months after his birthday realised some birthday cards were on the mantel piece. He turned to his wife and said: "my birthday cards have been there a while. Really should get round to binning them". His wife then left the room without saying a word.

 

Those weren't his birthday cards...

So, it would have been cold shoulder for dinner that night ...

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6 hours ago, Fnick said:

Yep followed by a frosty glare for desert!


You have reminded me of a tale my wife told. Coffee break time for nurses at the hospital and she was swapping stories with colleagues about saying silly things. Prize went to the doctor who owned up to this one. 
His wife was in labour with their first one. Dutifully he had been standing with her and behind massaging her neck and shoulders. He had been doing it a while when, with brain parked in neutral he hears himself say “Darling do you mind if I stop? My thumbs are getting sore”

”frosty glare” doesn’t come near the description of the look. 

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On 8/3/2023 at 3:16 AM, JohnT said:

“Oh no” he says “That’s the holiday off. You’ve got covid”

Gidday, I don't know what your tests look like but in our part of the world the results show one line for negative and two lines for positive.

 

A little while ago my brother did a covid test and while waiting for the results to show (it takes 15 minutes) his wife drew a second line on the test. 😁 

That was a nasty thing to do  -  I REALLY do like her! 😁 I wish I'd thought of doing that. 🙂

Regards, Jeff.

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57 minutes ago, ArnoldAmbrose said:

Gidday, I don't know what your tests look like but in our part of the world the results show one line for negative and two lines for positive.

 

A little while ago my brother did a covid test and while waiting for the results to show (it takes 15 minutes) his wife drew a second line on the test. 😁 

That was a nasty thing to do  -  I REALLY do like her! 😁 I wish I'd thought of doing that. 🙂

Regards, Jeff.

 

Reminds me of the family that bought their father a lottery ticket with last weeks numbers after videoing that program and then sitting their Dad down in front of the tv on the next Saturday night following but switching on the recording of the show the week before.  Dad of course is watching last weeks show holding a ticket with last weeks numbers and getting increasing excited as each number comes up much to the amusement of the family

 

Cruel - but funny

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How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and I could hear all the patients shouting, "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14!"

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38 minutes ago, Welkin said:

A fisherman friend told me that the best plaice to fish for Chub was in a lock.

Your pulling my Legg.

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1 hour ago, Pete in Lincs said:

262777b577a59a693333b37f38737bb56867fad5

Hmm, some of those prices don't look right:-

Spam Bacon Sausage & Spam - Should be £2.99

Spam Egg Spam Spam Bacon & Spam - Should be £5.10

And you're being paid a penny for a portion of Baked Beans - mind you, £33.50 for Lobster Thermidor with a mornay sauce, truffle pate & brandy looks a bargain!

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1 hour ago, Pete in Lincs said:

e-mails are off, Dear. We're defrosting the server.

I've been called cheap before, never dear.

 

I could take offence to that, along with two gates, a drystone wall, a stile and 100 metres of barbed wire.

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