Short Clean Jokes V

[Welkin]

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

[Kiwidave4]

Apparently a team of archeologists excavated Napoleons grave but only found boney parts.

[Admiral Puff]

He definitely does NOT improve with time ...

[psdavidson]

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

 

An irrelephant

[Pete in Lincs]

I've come to the conclusion that red bull gives you just enough energy to be able to throw the empty can out of the car window.

[Welkin]

To make a long story short I became an editor.

[Bullbasket]

A husband and wife have four boys, but the odd thing is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[Bullbasket]

An oldie but  gooden. I may have even posed this one before.

 

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

[Admiral Puff]

There's a variation on that one, involving a wombat and the insertion of "roots" after "eats", but probably not appropriate for a clean, family site coming to you in a plain brown envelope ...

[Bullbasket]

16 hours ago, Bullbasket said:

An oldie but  gooden. I may have even posed this one before.

 

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

It's an old joke, bu it was also the title of a book about punctuation. Without the commas, those three words have a totally different meaning.

 

John.

[Admiral Puff]

Like the world of difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma" ...

[jenko]

Like the one I used as a punctuation example while teaching.

 

Apply the correct punctuation. 

 

Whats that in the road a head 

 

[Heather Kay]

Research about why more crows get knocked down by lorries than any other vehicle is out.

 

It turns out that when crows are scavenging on the roads, other crows keep a look out. The report concluded that whilst most crows can shout ‘Cah’ practically none can shout ‘Lorry’.

[Welkin]

Two thoughts:

 

Were the crows jay-walking?

 

If you were obsessed with crows would you be raven mad?

[Bullbasket]

A Roman walks into a cafe holds up 2 fingers and gets 5 coffees.

[Fnick]

I went to the ice cream parlour to get an ice cream. When I was asked what kind of cone I would like I replied:

 

"Traffic"...

 

I'll get my 🧥

 

Nick 

[AstroCanary]

Today, I have gone onto Amazon and I've ordered a chicken and an egg.
 

I'll let you know.

PS morning all!

[Pete in Lincs]

Good news for Circus lovers. The planned strike by trapeeze artists has Been suspended. 

[Admiral Puff]

Yes, but by what?

[jenko]

Think it might still be all up in the air.

[Alex Gordon]

I've never seen people move so fast as when the audience realised that the trapeze artist had dysentery.

[Fnick]

I had a nightmare about Gloria Gaynor.

 

First I was afraid. Then I was petrified.

[Bullbasket]

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Spookytooth]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

 

Simon.

[pigsty]

I've just got back from the hospital, and they tell me I have the bones of a twenty-year-old.

How in hell did they find out?  I made sure they were well hidden in the basement ...