Noel Smith Posted May 17, 2023 Share Posted May 17, 2023 (edited) I got kicked out of Sainsbury's staff room this week after being told 'You are not employed here!' I replied ' I had to use a self service checkout this morning, so I guess that makes me an employee!' Edited May 17, 2023 by Noel Smith 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted May 17, 2023 Share Posted May 17, 2023 3 for the price of 1 A guy walks into a bar... and was immediately disqualified from the limbo contest Swimming with sharks is expensive. It cost me an arm and a leg I ordered a chicken and an egg from Tesco. I'll let you know... 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted May 17, 2023 Share Posted May 17, 2023 Q: Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night? A: She was wondering if there really is a dog. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted May 17, 2023 Share Posted May 17, 2023 Is she related to the one who worships Santa? 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noel Smith Posted May 17, 2023 Share Posted May 17, 2023 The scientist said ' I will do some experiments to find an answer for you'. The accountant said ' I will run through the financial figures to find a answer for you'. The stockbroker said 'I will see how the markets are doing and find an answer for you'. The engineer looked up the answer on a chart! 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noel Smith Posted May 17, 2023 Share Posted May 17, 2023 A guy went to a pub and after drinking heavily got so drunk he threw himself to the floor and missed! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bootneck Posted May 18, 2023 Share Posted May 18, 2023 An American came to Britain for a two week vacation, when he returned home his friends commented on his nice suntan. He replied "This isn't a tan, it's rust". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted May 18, 2023 Share Posted May 18, 2023 22 hours ago, Noel Smith said: The scientist said ' I will do some experiments to find an answer for you'. The accountant said ' I will run through the financial figures to find a answer for you'. The stockbroker said 'I will see how the markets are doing and find an answer for you'. The engineer looked up the answer on a chart! The flagpole at the local works was condemend as being usafe at the next board meeting the question of it's replacement came up. The safety director advised they could measure it's height after they had hired the scaffolding that would be required to prevent it falling and a risk assessment had been carried out. The purchasing director said he would search out the order for the prevoius post and issue a tender. Asking if anyone remembered how long ago it had been bought. The chief scientific officer said he'd have a technician walk a measured distance from the pole estimate the angle to the top of the pole and use triganometry to work out the height. He'd also get a lab technician to assess what metal it was made from. The debate began when the Chief Financial officer blurted out "This is going to cost a fortune, we've not buggeted for... contractor's... permits... At that point the Chief Engineer excused himself, walked to the maintenance department grabbed a spade, a tape measure and a couple of lads. Within 20 minutes he'd returned to the boardroom where the debate was still in full swing. He interupted announcing "100 foot above ground, with an additional 10 foot needed underground. It's safe for a team of three men to lower the flagpole to ground level. The timber merchant next door can have one delivered and erect it for us in 3 weeks. Cost will be less than hiring scafolding which, by the way, will not be required as the risk of it falling had been removed. The hole for the new pole was ready and there would be no need for contractors & permits. When adressing the Shareholders at the annual meeting the CEO cited this episode as an example of his 'Can do attitude' and awarded himself a amassive bonus 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted May 19, 2023 Share Posted May 19, 2023 Standard management operating procedure - take all the credit, even if you weren't involved, but none of the blame, even when it's all your fault ... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted May 19, 2023 Author Share Posted May 19, 2023 Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren. Dolly said, “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them neither receive a thank you message !” Ruby replies. “I too send them a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.” “Wow !, How come ?”remarked Dolly “Very simple solution, *I don’t sign the cheque.”* Simon. 2 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted May 19, 2023 Share Posted May 19, 2023 My Sat Nav frightened me today. It took me to the Cemetery and said, 'You have reached your final destination'. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted May 19, 2023 Share Posted May 19, 2023 47 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: My Sat Nav frightened me today. It took me to the Cemetery and said, 'You have reached your final destination'. Did it cause grave concern ?? 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted May 19, 2023 Share Posted May 19, 2023 Did you feel a burning sensation?😈 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Knight Posted May 23, 2023 Share Posted May 23, 2023 Will Britmodeller crash / be down this evening for a few hours? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Just asking cos I have a couple of models I really need to get finished 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted May 23, 2023 Share Posted May 23, 2023 One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went and played golf. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted May 26, 2023 Share Posted May 26, 2023 I've been watching a tribute program to Billy Connolly that I recorded from Chnl.5, and I have to say that it has been achingly funny. The joke that really creased me up was as follows. The Queen Mother is sharing a carriage with the king of Tonga at HM Queen Elizabeth's Coronation in 1953. As they are proceeding along the Mall, one of the horses let's rip. The Queen Mother turns to the King of Tonga and says "I do apologise for that", to which the King of Tonga says, "Oh! It was you. I thought it was the horse". 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noel Smith Posted May 27, 2023 Share Posted May 27, 2023 In answer to Black Knight. No, it won't crash, but it might have an existential crisis! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted May 27, 2023 Share Posted May 27, 2023 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted May 27, 2023 Share Posted May 27, 2023 Definition Mood What the cow did 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince1159 Posted May 28, 2023 Share Posted May 28, 2023 13 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said: If you met a cousin of mine Pete you'd realize just how true that is.... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratch Posted May 28, 2023 Share Posted May 28, 2023 What happened to the carrots in the mathematician's vegetable patch? They developed square roots. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted May 30, 2023 Share Posted May 30, 2023 'Scuse me, do you mind if we use your gym to practise socially-distanced boxing? Go ahead, mate, knock yourselves out. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted May 30, 2023 Share Posted May 30, 2023 Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth." 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted May 31, 2023 Share Posted May 31, 2023 There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get this! 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertie McBoatface Posted June 2, 2023 Share Posted June 2, 2023 Once upon a summertime Sean Connery was out walking the dog when he happened to see a herd of black and white cows. He turned to the dog and said, "Well Shpot, itsh a nish warm day for you and me but thosh poor cowsh shtill look like they're Friesian." Spot just groaned. (I actually made this one up myself while walking the dog today. (Unless I heard it before and thought I'd forgotten it.)) 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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