Short Clean Jokes V

[Spookytooth]

 

Simon.

[pigsty]

What do we want?

Anagrams!

When do we want them?

Won!

[Ratch]

own

[The Rat]

Why do bicycles require someone to pedal them?

 

Because they're two tired. 

[Pete Robin]

I had an appointment with a Microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I thought.

 

Regards

Pete

[Bullbasket]

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

[Pete in Lincs]

I've had a stairlift installed. But there's a fault with the speed control. It's slowly driving me up the wall.

[Brandy]

On 2/10/2023 at 2:29 PM, 2996 Victor said:

Hat, coat, door.....

I actually met a guy in a bar in Virginia who showed me photos of him and his mates down the coal mine. All you could see was 3 white dots...the lamps on their helmets.

I swear that is absolutely true!

It took a huge effort on my part not to burst out laughing at him!

 

Ian

[Brandy]

On another note, I've been living in the UAE for nearly 5 years now and one strange thing I've noticed is that the people in Dubai have no clue about the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do!

 

Ian

[Bullbasket]

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver box and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

[Welkin]

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor, “Those are just contractions.”

[Welkin]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Pete in Lincs]

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.

I spent hours in casualty waiting to be seen.

[jenko]

I went to my local supermarket today and picked up a loaf of bread that said     super seeded ............ I asked what had taken it's place?

 

 

[Bullbasket]

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underpants"

 

[psdavidson]

I am sorry, 
The kids were playing some sort of cowboy game and the five year old kept yelling 'Yippee Ki Yay' 
Instinctively, I finished the phrase.  Now he knows a new word. 

[Noel Smith]

A drunk staggered up to a motorist who had broken down.

'Whassshup mate?' Said the drunk.

'Piston broke!' Said the motorist.

'Shhho am I!' Said the drunk.

Edited April 26, 2023 by Noel Smith

[Farmer matt]

Our road is going to be closed next weekend for a Coronation Street Party. Mrs F says we should go , as last years Eastenders party was really good

 

[Noel Smith]

News has just come in about an accident involving a car colliding with a London bus carrying 68 Japanese tourists.

The Metropolitan Police are pleased to announce that there were no injuries and have 2174 photographs of the incident.

Edited April 26, 2023 by Noel Smith

[Pete in Lincs]

Marital advice. It's not a good idea to ask your Wife when dinner will be ready, while she is mowing the lawn.

[Farmer matt]

Agreed, at least wait until shes dug out the spuds.

[Pete in Lincs]

[Circloy]

2 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said:

I have the T-shirt

[Pete in Lincs]

Thanks, that reminds me that I was ironing mine...before I found myself removing the engine from the car....

[Admiral Puff]

I call it "Stuffing up more than one job at once" ...