jenko Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 Pete. You know you couldn't leave her if you tried. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 There is a senior citizen driving on the motorway. His wife calls him on his mobile phone and in a worried voice says, ''George, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on the M1!'' George says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!'' 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PattheCat Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 3 hours ago, Bullbasket said: There is a senior citizen driving on the motorway. His wife calls him on his mobile phone and in a worried voice says, ''George, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on the M1!'' George says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!'' If Airfix made jokes, it would be one of their best "Vintage classics". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Rat Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 A 2 for 1 pun: My wife wanted to be a which, but she couldn't spell. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberDaveToo Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 A man is driving through a rural area and glances at a farm. He's surprised to see a pig with a wooden leg, curious, he stopped and knocked on the farmhouse door. When the farmer answered the door, the the asked, "say, what's with the pig with the wooden leg?" The farmer replied: "That's a great pig, one day I had the tractor up on jacks, and I was working under it when the jack slipped and pinned me beneath it. That pig broke down his stall and lifted the tractor off of me, and saved my life!" The man said: "Yeah, but what about the wooden leg?" The farmer said: "One night, the house caught fire, and that pig came running out of the barn, broke down the door, woke us all up, and we put out the fire. That pig saved all of our lives that night!" The man said: "Fantastic story, but it still doesn't explain about the wooden leg." The farmer replied: "Well, you just don't eat a great pig like like that all at once!" 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberDaveToo Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 Festus was checking to see if all the storefronts in Dodge City were properly locked one evening and turned see a three legged dog coming down the street into town. He noticed with alarm that the dog had a .45 strapped to his side and a look of death in his eyes, so he ran to get Marshal Dillon. A breathless Festus burst into the Marshal's office and blurted, "Marshal Dillon, there's a three legged dog coming down the street with death in his eyes and a .45 strapped to his side!" Dillon strode into the street and demanded, "three legged dog with death in your eyes and a .45 strapped to your side, what are you doing, coming into my town?" The dog didn't say a word, he just kept on coming. Dillon widened his stance, squinted his eyes, his hand tickled his the handle of his revolver in it's holster. He was ready for anything, "I'm asking just one more time, three legged dog with death in your eyes and a .45 strapped to your side, what are you doing, coming into my town?" ...And the dog replied: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!" 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted March 25, 2023 Author Share Posted March 25, 2023 24 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: I thought it spectacles , testicles, wallet and watch!!! Simon. 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 52 minutes ago, Spookytooth said: I thought it spectacles , testicles, wallet and watch!!! Simon. I like this version: 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!" 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 (edited) A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be taken down ." The man replies, "Knickers!" Edited March 26, 2023 by RAF4EVER 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted March 26, 2023 Author Share Posted March 26, 2023 Simon 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberDaveToo Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 A drunk staggers into a bar (pub) late night, he manages to pull himself up on a stool, and with slurred speech, he demands a drink. The bartender gives him an exasperated look and says, "you're already drunk, you'll likely fall off your stool and sue me for everything I own. Why don't you just get out of here and go sleep it off?" The drunk slumps dejectedly and swivels around on the stool. At the other end of the room he sees a dartboard, he perks up and says, "hey! Let me play darts!" The bartender says, "no way. Didn't I tell you about lawsuits? What's gonna happen if I give you a hand full of darts? You'll trip, stab yourself with a dart, and I'll get sued, that's what." The drunk says, "Just gimme one dart, I'll throw it from right here and be happy." The bartender tells the drunk, "Are kidding? That dartboard is at least 50 feet from here, you won't even hit the wall." "Oh, c'mon," says the drunk, "lemme throw a dart, I'll be happy, and go." "Okay!" The bartender hands the drunk a dart, "it's worth it to get you out of here." The drunk hauls off and slings the dart as hard as he can. The bartender is flabbergasted, "Dang! I don't believe it, a bullseye!" The drunk is jumping up and down on his seat, "What did I win, what did I win?" The bartender looks on the shelf under the bar, he had stopped at the pet store and bought a turtle for his kid's birthday, he thought, "what a dumb pet for a kid, it just hides in its shell all day." He grabs the box with the turtle in it and hands it to the drunk, "Here!" The drunk staggers out of the bar with his prize. One month later, the same drunk staggers into the bar about the same time as before, "Hiya! Remember me?" "I sure do." says the bartender, "I've been telling people about that amazing bullseye for a month now." "Lemme try again!" the drunk replies. "I've gotta see this," the bartender hands him a dart, "ain't no way you can do that again." The drunk throws the dart as hard as he can and bam! Another bullseye. The bartender smacks his forehead with his hand, "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle, you did it again!" The drunk is jumping up and down on his seat, "What did I win, what did I win?" The bartender said, "shoot, I dunno, what did you win the last time?" And the drunk says, "roast beef on a hard roll..." 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 27, 2023 Share Posted March 27, 2023 I fell off my bike in 1967. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have Facebook back then. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratch Posted March 27, 2023 Share Posted March 27, 2023 C.mon guys, there's a dedicated thread for video clips, and another for long jokes. Let's KISS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted March 29, 2023 Author Share Posted March 29, 2023 A bloke was admitted to our local hospital as somehow (hmm...) a golf ball had become lodged up his bum. Apparently it's gone up a fairway. Simon. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted March 29, 2023 Share Posted March 29, 2023 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 On 29/03/2023 at 14:33, Spookytooth said: A bloke was admitted to our local hospital as somehow (hmm...) a golf ball had become lodged up his bum. Apparently it's gone up a fairway. Simon. He'll need a wedge to get it out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 Rather than Putter,?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 Probably put it in with a Wood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 scored a hole-in-one at least Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circloy Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 21 hours ago, jenko said: Rather than Putter,?? That'll be the putter innerer (!) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted April 2, 2023 Share Posted April 2, 2023 You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both." 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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