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Short Clean Jokes V


Spookytooth

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I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey - but I've managed to turn myself around.

 

If you are attacked by clowns - go for the juggler first.

 

Dogs can't operate MRI scanners - but catscan.

 

I went to the Air and Space Museum but there was nothing there.

 

Why do farmers always put the gates where it's muddiest?

 

Regards

Pete

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A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance.  The critic says to the young artist, "would you like to hear my opinion of your work?"

"Yes," the artist replies. 

"It's worthless," the critic says. 

"I know," the artist replies, "but let's hear it anyway." 

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A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"


 

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CAT RULES: 
1. The cat is not allowed on the furniture. 
2. Alright, the cat can go on the furniture, but NOT the kitchen counter. 
3. OK, the cat can go on the kitchen counter too, just not when I'm preparing the food. 
4. Fine. The cat can go wherever it wants, whenever it wants, as long as it doesn't swat me in the face at 5:30 in the morning demanding to be fed. 
5. The cat will be fed at 5:30 in the morning. 

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In which case I'm a psychopath ... doubly so, probably, because I don't use sugar, either!

 

And what else would you do with anything that does something like the second paragraph to coffee?

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An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"


 

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My Sat Nav keeps nagging me about exceeding the speed limit. It never says 'well done' when I drive below the speed limit.

Whatever happened to the carrot & stick method of teaching?

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An Englishman walks into a pub in Wales and orders a pint.

As the bar goes dead silent, he's uncomfortably aware all eyes are upon him.....

"Where are you from?" says the barman; "You sound English.."

"I'm from across the Severn," he replies nervously.

"What do you do, across the Severn?",

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals."

"It's alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us!".

 

Simon.

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A short but not that "clean" one:

 

A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.

The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."

"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."

Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."

"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."

"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."

"Why, honey?"

"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

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A man is sitting on a bench at a street corner when funeral procession slows to a stop at the intersection as police attempt to clear the road so they can continue. At the head of the procession is a man in a red convertible with a big German Shepherd in the passenger seat. the man on the bench notices very long line following the hearse.

 

The guy on the bench calls out to the one in the convertible. "excuse me for asking, but who died?'

 

The man in the car says, "My mother in-law."

 

"Really? How'd she die?"

 

The man pats the dog and says "This dog killed her."

 

 The guy on the bench ponders a moment and asks, "Hey, can I borrow your dog?"

 

The guy in the car thumbs toward the rear and says "Get in line..."

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4 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said:

My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious.

And then I saw her face...

Anyone under 50 will struggle with that Pete.

 

John.

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