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There was an old farmer from Greece,

Who did terrible things to his geese,

But he went too far, with a budgerigar,

So the Parrot informed the police.

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The mother-in-law said to me, "When you die, I'm going to dance on your grave".

I said "Good! I'm being buried at sea".

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Last night, the wife confessed to me that she'd only ever been unfaithful to me on two occasions........once with the milkman, and once with the 1st Battalion of the Scots Guards.

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My personal favourite:

 

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'

I said 'No, Six should be enough." 
 

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Heard a knock at the door. I knew immediately it was the mother in law as the pit bull was sat whimpering in the corner and all the mice were throwing themselves onto the traps.

 

My mother in law was thrown out of the Gestapo for cruelty.

 

My mother in law asked why I hadn't got her a Christmas present.

 I told her it was because that she still hadn't used the burial plot I had got her last year!

 

Selwyn

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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

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She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off

My mother in law fell down a wishing well.  I was shocked - I never knew they worked
 

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  • 2 months later...

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
 

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
 

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

 

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
 

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I'm not saying my mother-in law's big but she's got a job kick starting jumbo jets.

 

I'm not saying my mother-in law's big but she spent last summer working as a temporary roundabout for the council.

 

I'm sending the dog to the vets to have its tail docked. My mother in law will be visiting us and I'm not having anything make her feel welcome.

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