Les Dawson Classics.

[Bullbasket]

There was an old farmer from Greece,

Who did terrible things to his geese,

But he went too far, with a budgerigar,

So the Parrot informed the police.

[Bullbasket]

The mother-in-law said to me, "When you die, I'm going to dance on your grave".

I said "Good! I'm being buried at sea".

[Bullbasket]

Last night, the wife confessed to me that she'd only ever been unfaithful to me on two occasions........once with the milkman, and once with the 1st Battalion of the Scots Guards.

[Muddyf]

My personal favourite:

 

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'

I said 'No, Six should be enough." 
 

[JohnT]

His mother in law described

 

a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp

[Selwyn]

Heard a knock at the door. I knew immediately it was the mother in law as the pit bull was sat whimpering in the corner and all the mice were throwing themselves onto the traps.

 

My mother in law was thrown out of the Gestapo for cruelty.

 

My mother in law asked why I hadn't got her a Christmas present.

 I told her it was because that she still hadn't used the burial plot I had got her last year!

 

Selwyn

[Alex Gordon]

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

[Bullbasket]

The wife has run off with my next door neighbour. I'm really going to miss him.

[Muddyf]

Sorry if I seem down.

You see, tomorrow is the Mother-in-laws funeral.

She’s cancelled it.

[JohnT]

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off

My mother in law fell down a wishing well.  I was shocked - I never knew they worked
 

[Nigel Bunker]

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
 

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
 

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

 

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
 

[Nigel Bunker]

I'm not saying my mother-in law's big but she's got a job kick starting jumbo jets.

 

I'm not saying my mother-in law's big but she spent last summer working as a temporary roundabout for the council.

 

I'm sending the dog to the vets to have its tail docked. My mother in law will be visiting us and I'm not having anything make her feel welcome.

[Nigel Bunker]

When my mother-in-law stands in the nude she looks like a wall of whitewash.

 

My mother-in-law's so fat she had to lose weight to model maternity frocks.

 

My mother-in-law sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

 

My mother-in-law said to me “If you were my husband. I’d put poison in your coffee.” I replied “If I were your husband, I’d drink it!”

 

[Selwyn]

 I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.' 

 

I spent three weeks pushing a pan scrubber in the baby's face. I want him to get used to kissing his grandmother.

 

I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.

A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.
 

Selwyn