Truro Model Builder Posted September 7, 2020 Author Share Posted September 7, 2020 Bought a hardcore video off a man in the pub last night. What a waste of money. It was just lots of road workers using rubble to fill in a hole in the ground. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 7, 2020 Share Posted September 7, 2020 A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" Simon. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 8, 2020 Share Posted September 8, 2020 The manager of a chemist's shop got an urgent message from his wife asking him to collect the children from school, as she couldn't make it. This meant either closing the shop or leaving his young trainee in charge. After some thought he decided to leave things to the trainee but gave him a strict warning only to deal with over-the-counter sales: if anybody came in with a doctor's prescription he was under no circumstances to process it, but to ask the customer to come back later. After the kids were safely delivered home, the manager returned to the shop and asked how things had gone. "Oh, fine, boss," the trainee said. "Just a couple of customers buying headache tablets and Elastoplast, stuff like that. But there was one man asking for a cough mixture. I couldn't find it so I gave him some extra-strong laxative instead." "Laxative?" the manager asked, in horror. "Why did you think that would be any use?" "Take a look outside," said the trainee. "He's hanging onto a lamp-post, afraid to cough!" " 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted September 8, 2020 Share Posted September 8, 2020 Shamelessly borrowing this one: Here's an exercise for people who are out of shape. Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabbit Leader Posted September 8, 2020 Share Posted September 8, 2020 We celebrated Fathers Day in Australia last Sunday and my loving teenage kids decided to get me a gift. My Daughter says “Dad we bought you some personalised Number Plates for your car”... the older Son then replies “Yeah.. No1 DAD was already taken, so we got you No2 DAD instead”! 😉 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonhoff Posted September 10, 2020 Share Posted September 10, 2020 Tried to catch fog, Mist... 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted September 11, 2020 Author Share Posted September 11, 2020 I could tell that the deep fat fryer I bought the other day had been used. It had a chip in it. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted September 11, 2020 Author Share Posted September 11, 2020 They say everyone has their fifteen minutes of fame. Well I've not had mine yet but I suspect I'll get it tomorrow when the police dig my patio up. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aardvark Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 B.R. Serge 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 15, 2020 Share Posted September 15, 2020 The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle... The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things. You live on the wrong side of the Ocean. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!! Simon 1 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted September 16, 2020 Author Share Posted September 16, 2020 My doctor tells me I'm a hypochondriac. That figures. I've had just about everything else. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted September 16, 2020 Author Share Posted September 16, 2020 There's an article on the BBC News website in which somebody states that they got a job after 280 rejections. Sounds a lot like my marriage. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. One man said fondly: "I dreamed I was on vacation. It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." "I also had a great dream," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life." His buddy looked over and exhorted, "You had a dream you had two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing." Simon. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aardvark Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) I do not understand her reaction, the squirrel just wanted to hug and kiss the lifeguard in gratitude for being released from the pool! 😁 B.R. Serge P.S. 🤔 In reality, in order not to find yourself in such a situation, if you decide to refuse the help of special animal rescue services, you must first of all the rescuer take care of his safety from the rescued person, because an animal in a stressful state can be sick with diseases dangerous to humans. Edited September 17, 2020 by Aardvark 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonhoff Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 My mate can play Dancing Queen on a Didgeeridoo. Its Abba original 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aardvark Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 Selfisolation new's! Anybody cooked this? How taste? Nobody will share the recipe? Is it better to stew or fry? B.R. Serge 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 2 hours ago, Aardvark said: Selfisolation new's! Anybody cooked this? How taste? Nobody will share the recipe? Is it better to stew or fry? B.R. Serge Do they supply any from the plant eating species? Let's see them make a soya substitute for that. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged himto talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.' Simon. 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 For Sale: 1. George Foreman Grill. 2. Mohammed Ali DVD`s Both Boxed!!!!! Simon 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullbasket Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 7 hours ago, Aardvark said: Selfisolation new's! Anybody cooked this? How taste? Nobody will share the recipe? Is it better to stew or fry? B.R. Serge Tastes like chicken. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted September 19, 2020 Author Share Posted September 19, 2020 After I reported my stolen luggage the police found it stashed in a wind tunnel. Well this blew the whole case wide open. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 7 hours ago, Aardvark said: Selfisolation new's! Anybody cooked this? How taste? Nobody will share the recipe? Is it better to stew or fry? B.R. Serge How long has it been aged??? Dick 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aardvark Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 🤣🤣 B.R. Serge 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted September 20, 2020 Author Share Posted September 20, 2020 I often think, when I see a sign that says no dogs except guide dogs, that though they are very clever, I don't think guide dogs can actually read. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted September 22, 2020 Share Posted September 22, 2020 I accidentally ate one of my cats worming tablets. Don't ask meow. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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