Truro Model Builder 5,315 Posted October 25, 2020 Author Share Posted October 25, 2020 I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came up to me and said, "Aren't you polite? You have such lovely manners." It was my complimentary nan. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Aardvark 3,577 Posted October 25, 2020 Share Posted October 25, 2020 11 hours ago, GordonD said: It's no true kit collectors, because really kit collectors always know where put more and more kits! Probably it's beginner's kit collectors? B.R. Serge 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aardvark 3,577 Posted October 26, 2020 Share Posted October 26, 2020 What a generous and kind person! B.R. Serge 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Pete in Lincs 15,257 Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 The letter from the bailiffs said that if we didn't pay they'd take steps. We didn't, they did. Now we can't get upstairs 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Dave Swindell 2,312 Posted October 29, 2020 Share Posted October 29, 2020 15 hours ago, Pete in Lincs said: The letter from the bailiffs said that if we didn't pay they'd take steps. We lived in a bungalow, that fooled them! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
-Ian- 260 Posted October 29, 2020 Share Posted October 29, 2020 I asked my phone: 'Siri, why am I so bad with women?' She said: 'I'm Alexa you moron!' 13 Link to post Share on other sites
RAF4EVER 104 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Found this on PPRuNe, and thought I would share it here: A young Arab passes away and is excited to get to paradise where he is met by the gatekeeper GATEKEEPER ..... welcome to paradise , we have 3 sections -Jews -Christians -Muslims so choose the one you want ARAB ................ my Imam promised me 72 virgins would be waiting for me in paradise , so take me to them please GATEKEEPER .... hmmmm ... are you sure ?? ... it is not what you are expecting .... virgins are hard to find ARAB ......... never mind the small details , I want my 72 virgins and the feast that was promised to me GATEKEEPER .... very well , but you will not be able to change your mind afterwards. ARAB ............. I will take my chances , I am too hungry and too horny to care about details GATEKEEPER ..... very well , follow me The ARAB is surprised when the GATEKEEPER unlocks the entrance to the Christian section ..... he is led into a large building with multiple doors and above one door is a sign .... BANQUET HALL for FEASTING VIRGINS ARAB ..... OK ..... it is fine with me if it is in the Christian section .... open the door and let me in please. The Gatekeeper unlocks the door , the Arab steps in ... and finds a room full of Elderly Roman Catholic Nuns .... eating Pork 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Truro Model Builder 5,315 Posted November 1, 2020 Author Share Posted November 1, 2020 First year we've had no trick or treaters on Halloween. Mind you, the wife kept opening the door to them last year. Link to post Share on other sites
Truro Model Builder 5,315 Posted November 1, 2020 Author Share Posted November 1, 2020 My favourite childhood memory is falling asleep on the settee and waking up in bed. I really miss teleporting; it never happens to me any more. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Bullbasket 11,780 Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!" 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Aardvark 3,577 Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 From police report: "And, when I asked about the money for the delivery, the dog just closed the door in front of me!" B.R. Serge 4 Link to post Share on other sites
swralph 1,762 Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 I was in a band at my local nightclub The Buckley Tivoli....no no no....I was banned. Link to post Share on other sites
Kiwidave4 3,418 Posted November 5, 2020 Share Posted November 5, 2020 While I was in town today I saw a sign that made me pee my pants. It said, "Toilets Closed". 6 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnT 3,720 Posted November 5, 2020 Share Posted November 5, 2020 ...Doctor: what’s the matter? Patient: doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my rear end Doctor: how’s that? Patient: Oh don’t you start My wife says she's leaving me due to my obsession with cricket. I'll be honest, it's knocked me for six. 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnT 3,720 Posted November 5, 2020 Share Posted November 5, 2020 Guy gets sent to prison. 1st night, someone yells 39, whole prison laughs. Next night, someone yells 2, prison again erupts in laughter. Guy asks lifer what gives. Lifer explains there’s a joke book, been passed around for years. Dudes memorize a jokes number in the book and take turns of calling it out to pass the time The guy gets the book and memorises a few. That night he yells, 24!!! Nothing... Next night, 9!! He asks the lifer the next day what’s happening... Lifer says: Don’t worry, some people just can’t tell jokes 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Truro Model Builder 5,315 Posted November 7, 2020 Author Share Posted November 7, 2020 As the burglar entered the darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes... ...and then let the cat do the rest. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Truro Model Builder 5,315 Posted November 7, 2020 Author Share Posted November 7, 2020 Somebody was letting fireworks off at my windows last night. That's bang out of order. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnT 3,720 Posted November 7, 2020 Share Posted November 7, 2020 On 07/11/2020 at 10:50, Truro Model Builder said: Somebody was letting fireworks off at my windows last night. That's bang out of order. Hope you have given them a rocket 1 Link to post Share on other sites
593jones 1,219 Posted November 8, 2020 Share Posted November 8, 2020 You just have to love local newspapers, don't you: https://www.ayrshiredailynews.co.uk/post/south-ayrshire-golf-club-owner-loses-2020-presidential-election 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnT 3,720 Posted November 8, 2020 Share Posted November 8, 2020 3 hours ago, 593jones said: You just have to love local newspapers, don't you: https://www.ayrshiredailynews.co.uk/post/south-ayrshire-golf-club-owner-loses-2020-presidential-election Up there with the Aberdeen Press and Journal I believe reporting “Aberdeen man lost at sea” when the Titanic sank Urban myth perhaps but a kernel of truth in there 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bullbasket 11,780 Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!" 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jenko 5,212 Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 I've just heard that Boris Johnson has sent a delegation of Aldi checkout operators over to the US to help count the votes. When interviewed, Carol (One of Aldi's supervisors) said "We should have the job done in a couple of hours" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
swralph 1,762 Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 It was so windy when I was younger it blew the locks of the gas meter,well that's what my dad told the police. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spookytooth 11,166 Posted November 13, 2020 Share Posted November 13, 2020 A Navy officer was walking through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and chanced upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on a table. "Sailor!" the officer boomed. "Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" "No, sir," replied the sailor, "but we don't land airplanes on the roof either!" Simon. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Spookytooth 11,166 Posted November 14, 2020 Share Posted November 14, 2020 One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?" "Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear." A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?" "Because I'm freezing to death out here!" Simon. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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