Truro Model Builder Posted October 10, 2020 Author Share Posted October 10, 2020 Yesterday afternoon my neighbours' super-hot sixteen-year-old daughter came knocking at my door. "Hi Jessica," I greeted her. "What's up?" "Hi," she replied breathily. "Mum and Dad are away for the weekend, and I'm just starting to realise that I'm probably going to get a bit bored on my own so just thinking of ways to amuse myself. I thought I might party, get wasted... perhaps get laid." She stopped and looked me up and down seductively. "So... what are you up to this weekend?" "Oh, nothing planned," I said, heart rate quickening. And that's why I'm dog-sitting all weekend while she's off getting drunk and screwed. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aardvark Posted October 11, 2020 Share Posted October 11, 2020 Now we know, how to make "Squadron green putty"! 😁😁 B.R. Serge 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch. Simon. 18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. senior lady joke The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (Wait for it) -She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go. Simon. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 Fo Found this on PPRuNe 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stever219 Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 1 hour ago, RAF4EVER said: Fo Found this on PPRuNe That is frightening: how the hell did that woman get a driving licence? Did she find it in a Cornflakes (other breakfast cereals are available) box? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 An old report from TASS: Yesterday the Soviet Foreign Minister and the United States Ambassador ran a race of three times round Red Square. The Soviet Foreign Minister came second, while the United States Ambassador came last but one. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted October 12, 2020 Author Share Posted October 12, 2020 Not only is my new thesaurus terrible... it's also terrible. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted October 12, 2020 Author Share Posted October 12, 2020 I've just heard that my neighbour has just been attacked with a Fleetwood Mac LP. Probably rumours. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 13 hours ago, Truro Model Builder said: I've just heard that my neighbour has just been attacked with a Fleetwood Mac LP. Probably rumours. Possibly, its a Mystery to Me though... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 I take snuff and a high strength laxative.. I practice self control... Simon. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted October 15, 2020 Author Share Posted October 15, 2020 In order to prevent the spread Coronavirus, we must throw the entire Government into a live volcano. Even if it doesn't work, it'll still benefit the nation enormously. 2 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted October 15, 2020 Author Share Posted October 15, 2020 I was checking out a good looking bird at Asda when the wife caught me. That’s it. No turkey dinner for us tonight. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted October 15, 2020 Share Posted October 15, 2020 8 hours ago, Truro Model Builder said: In order to prevent the spread Coronavirus, we must throw the entire Government into a live volcano. Even if it doesn't work, it'll still benefit the nation enormously. Want to come over here for a practice run? 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whofan Posted October 16, 2020 Share Posted October 16, 2020 (edited) On 12/10/2020 at 18:43, stever219 said: That is frightening: how the hell did that woman get a driving licence? Did she find it in a Cornflakes (other breakfast cereals are available) box? It must be my browser because all I see is a photo of deer crossing sign for the whole 3 minutes 45 seconds. Is something supposed to happen? Edited October 16, 2020 by Whofan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted October 16, 2020 Share Posted October 16, 2020 1 minute ago, Whofan said: It must be my browser because all I see is a photo of deer crossing sign for the whole 2 minutes 45 seconds. Is something supposed to happen? did you have the sound turned up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whofan Posted October 16, 2020 Share Posted October 16, 2020 1 minute ago, bentwaters81tfw said: did you have the sound turned up? 3 minutes ago, bentwaters81tfw said: did you have the sound turned up? I have now!!!! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truro Model Builder Posted October 16, 2020 Author Share Posted October 16, 2020 “Okay, darling, you all set?” he whispered seductively. ‘Yes," she replied huskily. “Have you thought of a safe word?” “Meatloaf.” “Meatloaf?” “But of course,” she said. “I’ll do anything for love, but I won’t do that!” 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 On 10/12/2020 at 6:43 PM, stever219 said: That is frightening: how the hell did that woman get a driving licence? Did she find it in a Cornflakes (other breakfast cereals are available) box? The really frightening thing is that she can legally own a gun. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stever219 Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 1 hour ago, GordonD said: The really frightening thing is that she can legally own a gun. True, but maybe one day she'll mistake the gun for her hair dryer. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 11 hours ago, stever219 said: True, but maybe one day she'll mistake the gun for her hair dryer. Even assuming that the round would penetrate a skull so thick, all it would do would be ricochet around the empty space. She'd need to put the weapon to an orifice further south ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aardvark Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 Harsh arctic furry modelers: "Guys! In this truck, new Zvezda items are free! ....with glue and paint!!!" 😁 B.R. Serge 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "My babysitter's boyfriend." Simon. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted October 25, 2020 Share Posted October 25, 2020 19 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted October 25, 2020 Share Posted October 25, 2020 Just been swapping the labels on my wife's herb jars. She hasn't noticed yet, but her thyme is cumin. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts