Kiwidave4 Posted July 18, 2022 Share Posted July 18, 2022 I no longer believe anything I see in the newspapers....unless its fish and chips. And then I take it with a pinch of salt. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted July 18, 2022 Share Posted July 18, 2022 A wealthy man and his wife are going to a function, so they decide to give the butler the night off. However, a couple of hours later the wife was bored, so she leaves the party and goes home, only to find the butler sitting alone at the table. She orders the butler upstairs to her bedroom, where she locks the door... "Jeeves," she commands, "take off my hat." Jeeves promptly obeys. "Now, Jeeves," she says, "take off my dress." He obeys. "Now, Jeeves, please remove my underwear." Breaking into a nervous sweat, Jeeves complies. "Now Jeeves," the wife says, "if I should ever catch you wearing my clothes again..." Simon. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted July 18, 2022 Share Posted July 18, 2022 I'm starting up a new restaurant that serves curry over chips It's called "Curry on my Wayward Spud" and yes, there'll be peas when you are done. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted July 18, 2022 Share Posted July 18, 2022 Always keep an empty milk carton in your fridge. You never know when someone will want a black coffee. 1 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted July 18, 2022 Share Posted July 18, 2022 No-one in my family knows where my cousin is. He was kidnapped by mime artists at a very young age, and we never heard from him again. 10 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 Got lucky at the seafood disco on Saturday - I pulled a mussel. 11 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted July 21, 2022 Share Posted July 21, 2022 A new travel guide is now available for towns with poorly laid paving. It's called trip advisor. 2 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted July 22, 2022 Share Posted July 22, 2022 She sticks a second Flake in the ice-cream and hands it out of the van. “There we are, sir, your double 99. That’ll be £3.50, please.” “Thanks very much,” he says, and starts to turn away. She lifts an eyebrow. “We’ve a special offer on this week if you’re interested. I can give you a 69 at no extra charge.” “Sorry - did you say a 69?” “That’s right.” “You’re saying you’ll give me a 69 for nothing?” “Yup.” He thinks for less than a second. “I’ll take it,” he says. She reaches out, takes the ice-cream from his hand, removes one of the Flakes and sticks it back in the other way up. “There you are,” she says. “Enjoy.” 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 Can someone please tell Phillip I've found his screwdriver... 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house, The difference is staggering! 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted July 26, 2022 Share Posted July 26, 2022 Last night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted July 26, 2022 Share Posted July 26, 2022 They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the sums. I died in 1908. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Robin Posted July 26, 2022 Share Posted July 26, 2022 Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Is this Whiskey? asks Daffy. No more Whiskey than breaking into a bank! replies Elmer. Pete 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable. 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted July 28, 2022 Share Posted July 28, 2022 7 hours ago, psdavidson said: People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable. The real point is, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Latinbear Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 The definition of mixed emotions: watching your mother-in-law driving over the cliff in your new Jaguar. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 On 18/07/2022 at 18:02, Pete in Lincs said: Always keep an empty milk carton in your fridge. You never know when someone will want a black coffee. On 21/07/2022 at 18:54, Pete in Lincs said: A new travel guide is now available for towns with poorly laid paving. It's called trip advisor. Barry Cryer found alive and well in Lincs with a modelling habit 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Latinbear Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 As told to an interviewer by the late Robin Williams. "Divorce, the latin word for a man having his genitals ripped off through his wallet." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Latinbear Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 A girl goes into a toy shop and approaches the assistant at the dolls' counter. She sees Ken in the box priced at $19.95 and next to him is Barbie in a much bigger box priced at $299.95. "Why is there such a big difference in price between Ken and Barbie?" the girl asks the assistant. "Well, they're a divorced couple and you see the size of the box? Barbie comes complete with Ken's house, his car, his boat, his motorcycle, his savings account and the dog". 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted August 1, 2022 Share Posted August 1, 2022 A shark can swim faster than me I think I can run faster than a shark In a triathlon, it will all come down to who is the better cyclist 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Harmsworth Posted August 3, 2022 Share Posted August 3, 2022 Cows kill more humans than sharks I'm surprised that cows kill any sharks at all Definitely a dad joke. Mark 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted August 3, 2022 Share Posted August 3, 2022 By replacing crisps with grapefruit as a snack, you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you have left in your life 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Swindell Posted August 4, 2022 Share Posted August 4, 2022 Fugue and Far Between A clash of times, the choice was stark – the Albert Hall for a spot of Bach or to The Globe for some Much Ado? He vacillated between the two, unsure of which he should embrace, caught between baroque and a Bard place. Brian Bilston 1 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Latinbear Posted August 10, 2022 Share Posted August 10, 2022 You have to feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 Things you don't want to hear at the "Top Gun drugs rehabilitation centre"................................... I feel the need.... the need for speed 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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