Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser

[Pete in Lincs]

Always keep an empty milk carton in your fridge. You never know when someone will want a black coffee.

[pigsty]

No-one in my family knows where my cousin is.  He was kidnapped by mime artists at a very young age, and we never heard from him again. 

[pigsty]

Got lucky at the seafood disco on Saturday - I pulled a mussel.

[Pete in Lincs]

A new travel guide is now available for towns with poorly laid paving. It's called trip advisor.

[pigsty]

She sticks a second Flake in the ice-cream and hands it out of the van.

“There we are, sir, your double 99.  That’ll be £3.50, please.”

“Thanks very much,” he says, and starts to turn away.

She lifts an eyebrow.  “We’ve a special offer on this week if you’re interested.  I can give you a 69 at no extra charge.”

“Sorry - did you say a 69?”

“That’s right.”

“You’re saying you’ll give me a 69 for nothing?”

“Yup.”

He thinks for less than a second.  “I’ll take it,” he says.

She reaches out, takes the ice-cream from his hand, removes one of the Flakes and sticks it back in the other way up.

“There you are,” she says.  “Enjoy.”

[Pete in Lincs]

Can someone please tell Phillip I've found his screwdriver...

[psdavidson]

It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub
It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house,
The difference is staggering!

[Welkin]

Last night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

[psdavidson]

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes.  I've done the sums. I died in 1908.

[Pete Robin]

Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.

Is this Whiskey? asks Daffy.

No more Whiskey than breaking into a bank! replies Elmer.

 

 

Pete

[psdavidson]

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. 

The glass is refillable.

[pigsty]

7 hours ago, psdavidson said:

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. 

The glass is refillable.

The real point is, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[Latinbear]

The definition of mixed emotions: watching your mother-in-law driving over the cliff in your new Jaguar.

[JohnT]

On 18/07/2022 at 18:02, Pete in Lincs said:

Always keep an empty milk carton in your fridge. You never know when someone will want a black coffee.

 

On 21/07/2022 at 18:54, Pete in Lincs said:

A new travel guide is now available for towns with poorly laid paving. It's called trip advisor.

Barry Cryer found alive and well in Lincs with a modelling habit 

[Latinbear]

As told to an interviewer by the late Robin Williams. "Divorce, the latin word for a man having his genitals ripped off through his wallet."

[Latinbear]

A girl goes into a toy shop and approaches the assistant at the dolls' counter. She sees Ken in the box priced at $19.95 and next to him is Barbie in a much bigger box priced at $299.95. "Why is there such a big difference in price between Ken and Barbie?" the girl asks the assistant. "Well, they're a divorced couple and you see the size of the box? Barbie comes complete with Ken's house, his car, his boat, his motorcycle, his savings account and the dog".   

[psdavidson]

A shark can swim faster than me

I think I can run faster than a shark

In a triathlon, it will all come down to who is the better cyclist

[Mark Harmsworth]

Cows kill more humans than sharks

 

I'm surprised that cows kill any sharks at all

 

 

Definitely a dad joke.

Mark

[psdavidson]

By replacing crisps with grapefruit as a snack, you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you have left in your life

[Dave Swindell]

 

Fugue and Far Between

 

A clash of times,

the choice was stark –

 

the Albert Hall

for a spot of Bach

 

or to The Globe

for some Much Ado?

 

He vacillated

between the two,

 

unsure of which

he should embrace,

 

caught between baroque

and a Bard place.

 

Brian Bilston

[Latinbear]

You have to feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day. 

[jenko]

Things you don't want to hear at the "Top Gun drugs rehabilitation centre"...................................

 

 

 

 

I feel the need.... the need for speed

 

 

[Red Dot]

What do you call a French man in sandals?

 

 

 

Phillipe Phalop

[Admiral Puff]

We really DO need that "Groan" icon!

[Spookytooth]

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road.

The driver discovers he has no signal so he can’t call for help. He decides that the only thing for it is to start walking.

Just as he is heading off, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.

“Hello, are you having car trouble?”

The driver asks.

“I’m afraid so.”

The driver of the Fiat answers.

“Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I’ll tow you to the nearest garage!” Says the BMW driver.

The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this, and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.

As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something.

“This is an old car, so please drive carefully.”.

The BMW driver nods his head.

“Just honk if I’m going too fast!”.

With that, he gets in and they drive away.

They drive for a while when suddenly a Porsche races by them.

The BMW driver doesn’t like this blow to his ego, so forgetting that he has a car in tow starts chasing the Porsche.

As they race down the road, they pass a farm.

The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.

“What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his wife says.

The farmer replies:

“I just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past”

 

Simon.