Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser

[desert falcon]

On 6/13/2022 at 3:04 PM, Fnick said:

UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The Russians have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from “wee weed Off” to “Let’s Get the sweethearts.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

 

John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

 

I know you won the war and all that, but calm down now 😉 

[pigsty]

If you don't keep up the payments to your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

[Black Knight]

I was just trying to get to sleep when my 5 year old dottir came into the room

 

'Daddy, can I have a glass of water?'

 

'Of course you can darlin. But this is your third glass of water in 5 minutes'

 

'I know, but my room is still on fire'

[Pete in Lincs]

If you know a song about chick peas, perhaps you could Hummus a verse or two

[RAF4EVER]

47 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said:

If you know a song about chick peas, perhaps you could Hummus a verse or two

Sorry Pete

[Ratch]

My neighbour started banging on the wall at 04.40 a.m.

Luckily I was still up playing records.

Then he started shouting "Can we have a little respect!"

So I put on Aretha Franklin.

[Welkin]

At least the current financial crisis has solved the drink/driving problem - nobody can afford to do both any more!

[Kiwidave4]

Having my ears syringed was one of the most painful things I've ever done.

I can now hear my wife.

[Black Knight]

I was on safari in Kenya recently. 

I was just taking photos of the wild animals when I got a real shock. I was charged by a huge bull elephant!

 

 

 

 

He wanted $500 from me for photos of him!

[jenko]

15 minutes ago, Black Knight said:

I was on safari in Kenya recently. 

I was just taking photos of the wild animals when I got a real shock. I was charged by a huge bull elephant!

 

 

 

 

He wanted $500 from me for photos of him!

Probably wanted the Lions share as well

[Kiwidave4]

If you watch 'Jaws' backwards it becomes a heartwarming tale about a shark that gives disabled people arms and legs.

[jenko]

Holmes...... what sort of rock is chalk?

 

It's  sedimentary my dear Watson.

[jenko]

My wife cooked venison tonight. It was lovely. I asked "was it cheap?" 

She said " No. It was deer.

[Pete Robin]

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

 

 

Up his sleevies!

 

I'm off

 

[Admiral Puff]

We know ...

[jenko]

Good news. 

I can still have sex at 67.

 

Which is great as I live at 91 .

[Markh-75]

On 09/04/2022 at 13:25, -Ian- said:

Pumps is another example, it's only recently I discovered that in the context of footwear the America and British meanings are very different:

 

UK - flat soled soft shoes, historically used for indoor sport before trainers (or sneakers if you prefer) became popular in the 80s. Could most commonly be seen on the feet of school children in PE lessons.

US - women's high heeled shoes (but not boots)

Reminds me of the Two Ronnies sketch, " fork 'andles.... pumps; (shopkeeper gives him a foot pump) Nah, pumps, brown size 9

 

[Bertie McBoatface]

On 7/8/2022 at 4:12 PM, jenko said:

Holmes...... what sort of rock is chalk?

 

It's  sedimentary my dear Watson.

 

You're very clever, Homes.

 

That's complimentary, my dear Watson.

 

 

That joke follows on from the other one, Holmes

 

Yes, it's supplementary, my dear Watson.

 

 

Did you plan it or was it a chance occurrence, Holmes?

 

It happened incidentally, my dear Watson.

 

 

Stop it Holmes, you are making my ribs hurt!

 

You can't prevent me, my dear Watson.

 

 

Changing the subject Holmes, what do you want for Christmas?

 

A partridge in a pear tree, my dear Watson.

 

 

Same as last year and the two years before that, Holmes?

 

Yes, you've already sent me three, my dear Watson.

 

 

Hoho! I shall include all this in my next story about you, Holmes.

 

Just don't misrepresent me, my dear Watson.

 

 

[jenko]

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The pain... the pain.

[jenko]

On 7/14/2022 at 6:39 PM, Markh-75 said:

Reminds me of the Two Ronnies sketch, " fork 'andles.... pumps; (shopkeeper gives him a foot pump) Nah, pumps, brown size 9

 

This sketch  was  based around a small iron mongers called Harringtons in Broadstairs Kent. The two Ronnie's were regular  visitors to that area. The shop is still there and it's  like walking  back in time.

[Markh-75]

Brilliant sketch, I also like ’The one Ronnie’ and Harry Enfield, it’s along the similar lines, it’s called ‘My Blackberry is not working’. It’s on YouTube.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

[jenko]

10 minutes ago, Markh-75 said:

Brilliant sketch, I also like’the one Ronnie’ and Harry Enfield, it’s along the similar lines, it’s called ‘my  Blackberry is not working’. It’s on YouTube. I can’t fetch it on my iPhone though to be able to post the link.

Yep. A classic in its own right. It's  one Ronnie Barker would have wrote if he had been alive. Good clean humour.

 

Harringtons. Google earth. Bottom of Broadstairs  high street.  Turn right and it's  about 80 yards o  the left.

 

Mark. I live  in Broadstairs and my wife knew the wife of the owner. Worth a look at the place.

 

Dick

 

 

Edited July 17, 2022 by jenko

[Kiwidave4]

I no longer believe anything I see in the newspapers....unless its fish and chips.

 

And then I take it with a pinch of salt.

[Spookytooth]

A wealthy man and his wife are going to a function, so they decide to give the butler the night off. However, a couple of hours later the wife was bored, so she leaves the party and goes home, only to find the butler sitting alone at the table. She orders the butler upstairs to her bedroom, where she locks the door...

"Jeeves," she commands, "take off my hat."

Jeeves promptly obeys.

"Now, Jeeves," she says, "take off my dress."

He obeys.

"Now, Jeeves, please remove my underwear."

Breaking into a nervous sweat, Jeeves complies.

"Now Jeeves," the wife says, "if I should ever catch you wearing my clothes again..."

 

 

Simon.

[psdavidson]

I'm starting up a new restaurant that serves curry over chips

It's called "Curry on my Wayward Spud" and yes, there'll be peas when you are done.