Pete in Lincs Posted May 13 Share Posted May 13 I told my Wife that I'd seen a Deer on the way to work this morning. She asked why a Deer would be going to work... 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted May 13 Share Posted May 13 I bought a compilation CD by one of my favourite groups. It said on the cover, Greatest Hits Volume 3. Ha! I turned it up to 11. 1 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CedB Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 Ever tried blind archery? You don't know what you're missing… 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Knight Posted May 15 Share Posted May 15 I was abducted by aliens yesterday. After beaming me on to their craft one of the aliens hands me a comb, . . . 'comb your hair' . . . . 'now wash your face', , , , , , , 'polish your shoes' . . . . . . 'tuck your shirt in properly' Whilst doing all this I ask the alien 'Why?' The alien tells me 'Because you are on the Mother ship!' 17 hours ago, CedB said: Ever tried blind archery? You don't know what you're missing… Not a joke, just want to say, I once did spotting for a blind archer at our club It was an eye opening experience 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenoz Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while he gets a day off for good behaviour. He goes to Moscow, enters a bar, and orders something to drink. While he is waiting, he asks the bartender if the Crimea is ours. Yes it is. And the Donbas? It also is... and Kyiv? Also ours... Satisfied Putin zips his drink and asks for the bill. 5€ please... 3 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 Anyone wot understands Scots and Glasgow humour will get this; Wot do you get a Chinese Rangers supporter for Christmas? An Orange Wok. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony C Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 On 30/04/2022 at 21:32, Markh-75 said: I was in stitches! I'm guessing that you split your sides laughing 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class. First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply. "Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?" "Zero Hara, sir," answered the private. Simon. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 I asked my boss if I could come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted May 24 Share Posted May 24 The three unwritten rules of business: 1. 2. 3. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted May 26 Share Posted May 26 The Beastie Boys have written a five part anthology. Parts A to D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2996 Victor Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 I just watched an advert for Pure Cremations: it really made me think. I thought, "It's time I got the barbecue out of the garage." Hat, coat..... 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me. 1 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral Puff Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 7 hours ago, Welkin said: I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me. We've only got your word that it was "accidental" ... 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony C Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 On 26/05/2022 at 22:08, Kiwidave4 said: The Beastie Boys have written a five part anthology. Parts A to D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E. I really don't know what else to say! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Robin Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 Does a dyslexic atheist worry whether there is a dog? Got me coat, I'm leaving Regards Pete 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 For much of my adult life I've been obsessed with Herons but never seen one. I've read about them, watched films about them, I've walked the rivers and estuaries for miles, spent weeks in hides, still not seen a Heron. Finally this week I decided I would abandon my fruitless pursuit of Herons and move on. Still, when I look back on the Heron period of my life....I've no Egrets. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 You need to be very quiet to see a Heron, so it's best to stork them! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted June 9 Share Posted June 9 Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The Air Force pilot says, "Those are deer tracks." The Army pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks." The Navy pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks." The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them... Simon. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted June 12 Share Posted June 12 On 17/05/2022 at 15:48, Markh-75 said: Anyone wot understands Scots and Glasgow humour will get this; Wot do you get a Chinese Rangers supporter for Christmas? An Orange Wok. Guess not then! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted June 12 Share Posted June 12 I ended up in hospital this morning. Someone in the street I was walking down was offering Elephant rides for 50p a go! I've never been on an elephant before so I thought "why not"? I climbed on and paid and right away I found it a nice gentle if not slightly ponderous experience, very gentle for a good couple of minutes, I was wondering if this was 'it', I was getting bored and then something seemed to speed it up and I was thrown all over the place, about as bad as bull riding (not that I do much of this) getting more violent as the ride progressed; doing my best to hold on tight, I bumped my head a few times, and just before I fell off - the shopkeeper ran out of the shop and unplugged it! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psdavidson Posted June 12 Share Posted June 12 4 hours ago, Markh-75 said: Guess not then! Somehow, I missed that one 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fnick Posted June 13 Share Posted June 13 UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The Russians have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “wee weed Off” to “Let’s Get the sweethearts.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 It was the National House Building Championships last week, and I did pretty well. I made the semis. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 At last, the problem of drink-driving has been solved: no-one can now afford to do both. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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