Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser

[Black Knight]

I was abducted by aliens yesterday.

After beaming me on to their craft one of the aliens hands me a comb, . . .  'comb your hair' . . . . 'now wash your face', , , , , , ,  'polish your shoes' . . . . . . 'tuck your shirt in properly'

Whilst doing all this I ask the alien 'Why?'

The alien tells me 'Because you are on the Mother ship!'

 

 

 

17 hours ago, CedB said:

Ever tried blind archery?

You don't know what you're missing…

Not a joke, just want to say, I once did spotting for a blind archer at our club

It was an eye opening experience

[Silenoz]

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while he gets a day off for good behaviour.

 

He goes to Moscow, enters a bar, and orders something to drink.

 

While he is waiting, he asks the bartender if the Crimea is ours.  

 

Yes it is.

 

And the Donbas?

 

It also is...

 

and Kyiv?

 

Also ours...

 

Satisfied Putin zips his drink and asks for the bill.

 

5€ please...

[Markh-75]

Anyone wot understands Scots and Glasgow humour will get this;

Wot do you get a Chinese Rangers supporter for Christmas?

 

 

 

 

An Orange Wok.🫕

[Tony C]

On 30/04/2022 at 21:32, Markh-75 said:

I was in stitches!

 

 

I'm guessing that you split your sides laughing

[Spookytooth]

One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class. First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.

"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"

"Zero Hara, sir," answered the private.

 

Simon.

[Welkin]

I asked my boss if I could come to work a little late today.

He said “Dream on.”

I think that was really nice of him.

[Welkin]

The three unwritten rules of business:

1.

2.

3.

[Kiwidave4]

The Beastie Boys have written a five part anthology.

 

Parts A to D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.

[2996 Victor]

I just watched an advert for Pure Cremations: it really made me think.

I thought, "It's time I got the barbecue out of the garage."

 

Hat, coat.....

[Welkin]

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

[Admiral Puff]

7 hours ago, Welkin said:

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

We've only got your word that it was "accidental" ...

[Tony C]

On 26/05/2022 at 22:08, Kiwidave4 said:

The Beastie Boys have written a five part anthology.

 

Parts A to D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.

 

I really don't know what else to say!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pete Robin]

Does a dyslexic atheist worry whether there is a dog?

Got me coat, I'm leaving

Regards

Pete

 

[Kiwidave4]

For much of my adult life I've been obsessed with Herons but never seen one. I've read about them, watched films about them,

I've walked the rivers and estuaries for miles, spent weeks in hides, still not seen a Heron.

 

Finally this week I decided I would abandon my fruitless pursuit of Herons and move on.

Still, when I look back on the Heron period of my life....I've no Egrets.

[Welkin]

You need to be very quiet to see a Heron, so it's best to stork them!

[Spookytooth]

Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.

The Air Force pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."

The Army pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."

The Navy pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."

The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them...

 

Simon.

[Markh-75]

On 17/05/2022 at 15:48, Markh-75 said:

Anyone wot understands Scots and Glasgow humour will get this;

Wot do you get a Chinese Rangers supporter for Christmas?

 

 

 

 

An Orange Wok.🫕

🤣🤣🤣 Guess not then!😂

[Markh-75]

I ended up in hospital this morning.

Someone in the street I was walking down was offering Elephant🐘 rides for 50p a go! I've never been on an elephant before so I thought "why not"?

 

I climbed on and paid and right away I found it a nice gentle if not slightly ponderous experience, very gentle for a good couple of minutes, I was wondering if this was 'it', I was getting bored and then something seemed to speed it up and I was thrown all over the place, about as bad as bull riding (not that I do much of this) getting more violent as the ride progressed; doing my best to hold on tight, I bumped my head a few times, and just before I fell off - the shopkeeper ran out of the shop and unplugged it!🤣

[psdavidson]

4 hours ago, Markh-75 said:

Guess not then!

Somehow, I missed that one

[Fnick]

UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The Russians have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from “wee weed Off” to “Let’s Get the sweethearts.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

 

John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

 

[pigsty]

It was the National House Building Championships last week, and I did pretty well.  I made the semis.

[pigsty]

At last, the problem of drink-driving has been solved: no-one can now afford to do both.

[pigsty]

On 11/6/2021 at 1:27 AM, Admiral Puff said:

if tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?

Olive oil is made from olives and cod liver oil is made from cod livers.  And then there's baby oil ...

[Des]

Kate Bush is climbing up the music charts.

 

Top Gun is a huge box office success.

 

Relations between the West and Russia are plummeting.

 

The British Government are squaring up against the Unions.

 

The oldest US President (to date) is in office.

 

. . . . .  only need Bobby Ewing to come out of the shower and show that the last forty years have been a dream.

[Spookytooth]

If a brick layer lays bricks, why can`t a plumber lay plums?

 

Simon