Welkin Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whofan Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 On 09/04/2022 at 13:25, -Ian- said: Pumps is another example, it's only recently I discovered that in the context of footwear the America and British meanings are very different: UK - flat soled soft shoes, historically used for indoor sport before trainers (or sneakers if you prefer) became popular in the 80s. Could most commonly be seen on the feet of school children in PE lessons. US - women's high heeled shoes (but not boots) .Pumps is daps. We call them daps in South Wales. Well I still call them daps even though I don;t live in South Wales any more. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" Simon. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 What happens if you play a Country Music song backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison. 1 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted April 24, 2022 Share Posted April 24, 2022 I recently challenged my father to a game of golf. He came first by a stroke; I was a little below Pa. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so. He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign." Simon. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 My life's changed since I had a neck brace fitted. I haven't looked back. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted April 30, 2022 Share Posted April 30, 2022 On 11/03/2021 at 16:54, Tony C said: Nope, that is, without doubt, the worst one yet... I was in stitches! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted April 30, 2022 Share Posted April 30, 2022 I let my house out to a soldier who told me he was a major. Now that he has done a runner owing me three months rent I know he is a lieutenant. 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
593jones Posted May 5, 2022 Share Posted May 5, 2022 On 4/30/2022 at 10:21 PM, Kiwidave4 said: I let my house out to a soldier who told me he was a major. Now that he has done a runner owing me three months rent I know he is a lieutenant. I bet they don't get that joke in the US! 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JosephLalor Posted May 5, 2022 Share Posted May 5, 2022 What monthly magazine was a best seller among the Vikings? The Raider's Digest 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince1159 Posted May 6, 2022 Share Posted May 6, 2022 14 hours ago, 593jones said: I bet they don't get that joke in the US! I don't get it in Guernsey either .... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CedB Posted May 6, 2022 Share Posted May 6, 2022 In the US they say Lootenant. In the UK we say Leftenant. Left tenant - get it? Oh suit yourselves… 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted May 6, 2022 Share Posted May 6, 2022 1 minute ago, CedB said: In the US they say Lootenant. In the UK we say Leftenant. Left tenant - get it? Oh suit yourselves… You can take a Britmodeller to a joke, but you can't make them laugh. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted May 6, 2022 Share Posted May 6, 2022 11 minutes ago, CedB said: In the US they say Lootenant. In the UK we say Leftenant. Left tenant - get it? Oh suit yourselves… Do I detect a Frankie Howard fan? 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted May 9, 2022 Share Posted May 9, 2022 In my last job we had our cleaner/domestic woman replaced with an Eastern European woman and she was a bit lost at first but she found her way eventually. She started cleaning the offices and at the end of her shift she had been hoovering one small office for over two hours! Turns out she was a Slovak. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted May 9, 2022 Share Posted May 9, 2022 The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." Simon. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted May 9, 2022 Share Posted May 9, 2022 7 hours ago, Markh-75 said: Turns out she was a Slovak. Something like that happened at our office. The cleaner had been opening a door, cleaning the small room inside, leaving, going up the stairs, opening a matching door, cleaning the small room inside, leaving, going up the stairs, etc. It was the cleanest that lift had ever been. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted May 11, 2022 Share Posted May 11, 2022 The UK at one time were looking at purchasing the F14 Tomcat but with Rolls Royce engines in them. However the idea was scraped as they thought a Speyed Tomcat was less effective. Dick 10 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Knight Posted May 11, 2022 Share Posted May 11, 2022 A variation on an old joke; Last week the wifey says to me 'you really have to stop buying kits. From now on you are only allowed one per month' So far I'm up to August 2077 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 That’s a similar arrangement we have but I buy for the month we’re on now! However, at the moment we’re keeping our money tight as we’re going down to Norfolk next month; I have bought myself the odd model or two; keep the mojo afloat. Loved the joke 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
593jones Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 4 hours ago, Markh-75 said: That’s a similar arrangement we have but I buy for the month we’re on now! However, at the moment we’re keeping our money tight as we’re going down to Norfolk next month; I have bought myself the odd model or two; keep the mojo afloat. Loved the joke If you're going to Norfolk, it would be rude not to take a trip across the border to Lowestoft, wouldn't it? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bentwaters81tfw Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 Don't forget the passport! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 41 minutes ago, 593jones said: If you're going to Norfolk, it would be rude not to take a trip across the border to Lowestoft, wouldn't it? I’ll be taking a trip that way to see Hannants at least. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 Someone stole my mood ring yesterday. I still don’t know how I feel about that. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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