Short CLEAN Jokes IV -Just when you thought it couldn't get any worser

[Spookytooth]

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

 

Simon.

[pigsty]

My life's changed since I had a neck brace fitted.  I haven't looked back.

[Markh-75]

On 11/03/2021 at 16:54, Tony C said:

 

Nope, that is, without doubt, the worst one yet...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was in stitches!

 

[Kiwidave4]

I let my house out to a soldier who told me he was a major.

 

Now that he has done a runner owing me three months rent I know he is a lieutenant.

[593jones]

On 4/30/2022 at 10:21 PM, Kiwidave4 said:

I let my house out to a soldier who told me he was a major.

 

Now that he has done a runner owing me three months rent I know he is a lieutenant.

 

I bet they don't get that joke in the US!

[JosephLalor]

What monthly magazine was a best seller among the Vikings?

 

The Raider's Digest

[Vince1159]

14 hours ago, 593jones said:

 

I bet they don't get that joke in the US!

I don't get it in Guernsey either ....

[CedB]

In the US they say Lootenant. In the UK we say Leftenant. Left tenant - get it?

Oh suit yourselves…  

[jenko]

1 minute ago, CedB said:

In the US they say Lootenant. In the UK we say Leftenant. Left tenant - get it?

Oh suit yourselves…  

 

You can take a Britmodeller to a joke, but you can't make them laugh.   

[JohnT]

11 minutes ago, CedB said:

In the US they say Lootenant. In the UK we say Leftenant. Left tenant - get it?

Oh suit yourselves…  

Do I detect a Frankie Howard fan? 

[Markh-75]

In my last job we had our cleaner/domestic woman replaced with an Eastern European woman and she was a bit lost at first but she found her way eventually. She started cleaning the offices and at the end of her shift she had been hoovering one small office for over two hours! 
Turns out she was a Slovak.🤣🤣🤣

[Spookytooth]

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

 

 

Simon.

[pigsty]

7 hours ago, Markh-75 said:

Turns out she was a Slovak.

Something like that happened at our office.  The cleaner had been opening a door, cleaning the small room inside, leaving, going up the stairs, opening a matching door, cleaning the small room inside, leaving, going up the stairs, etc.

It was the cleanest that lift had ever been.

[jenko]

The UK at one time were looking at purchasing the F14 Tomcat but with Rolls  Royce engines in them. However the idea was scraped as they thought  a Speyed Tomcat was less effective.

 

Dick

 

 

[Black Knight]

A variation on an old joke;

Last week the wifey says to me 'you really have to stop buying kits. From now on you are only allowed one per month'

So far I'm up to August 2077

[Markh-75]

That’s a similar arrangement we have but I buy for the month we’re on now! However, at the moment we’re keeping our money tight as we’re going down to Norfolk next month; I have bought myself the odd model or two; keep the mojo afloat.

Loved the joke😂😂😂

[593jones]

4 hours ago, Markh-75 said:

That’s a similar arrangement we have but I buy for the month we’re on now! However, at the moment we’re keeping our money tight as we’re going down to Norfolk next month; I have bought myself the odd model or two; keep the mojo afloat.

Loved the joke😂😂😂

 

If you're going to Norfolk, it would be rude not to take a trip across the border to Lowestoft, wouldn't it?

[bentwaters81tfw]

Don't forget the passport!

[Markh-75]

41 minutes ago, 593jones said:

 

If you're going to Norfolk, it would be rude not to take a trip across the border to Lowestoft, wouldn't it?

I’ll be taking a trip that way to see Hannants at least.😉

[Welkin]

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

[Pete in Lincs]

I told my Wife that I'd seen a Deer on the way to work this morning. She asked why a Deer would be going to work...

[Pete in Lincs]

I bought a compilation CD by one of my favourite groups. It said on the cover, Greatest Hits Volume 3. Ha! I turned it up to 11.

[CedB]

Ever tried blind archery?

You don't know what you're missing…

[Black Knight]

I was abducted by aliens yesterday.

After beaming me on to their craft one of the aliens hands me a comb, . . .  'comb your hair' . . . . 'now wash your face', , , , , , ,  'polish your shoes' . . . . . . 'tuck your shirt in properly'

Whilst doing all this I ask the alien 'Why?'

The alien tells me 'Because you are on the Mother ship!'

 

 

 

17 hours ago, CedB said:

Ever tried blind archery?

You don't know what you're missing…

Not a joke, just want to say, I once did spotting for a blind archer at our club

It was an eye opening experience

[Silenoz]

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while he gets a day off for good behaviour.

 

He goes to Moscow, enters a bar, and orders something to drink.

 

While he is waiting, he asks the bartender if the Crimea is ours.  

 

Yes it is.

 

And the Donbas?

 

It also is...

 

and Kyiv?

 

Also ours...

 

Satisfied Putin zips his drink and asks for the bill.

 

5€ please...