Welkin Posted March 30, 2022 Share Posted March 30, 2022 The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted April 2, 2022 Share Posted April 2, 2022 A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg. It was a flop. 17 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevehnz Posted April 2, 2022 Share Posted April 2, 2022 My wife shared a story about a courier driver who dropped in on a couple to see if everything was ok because there was no delivery from Amazon for the wife that day. Then she said, that reminds me of you dear. I don't know what she was on about. I've never been a courier driver. Steve. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted April 2, 2022 Share Posted April 2, 2022 Simon. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted April 4, 2022 Share Posted April 4, 2022 What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted April 6, 2022 Share Posted April 6, 2022 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted April 6, 2022 Share Posted April 6, 2022 I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony C Posted April 7, 2022 Share Posted April 7, 2022 On 02/04/2022 at 04:54, Kiwidave4 said: A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg. It was a flop. To stevehnz, RAF4EVER, jenko and the 8 others, you should be ashamed of yourselves and must stop encouraging Kiwidave4 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince1159 Posted April 7, 2022 Share Posted April 7, 2022 2 hours ago, Tony C said: To stevehnz, RAF4EVER, jenko and the 8 others, you should be ashamed of yourselves and must stop encouraging Kiwidave4 It all depends on which leg,if it'd been a flip it'd be a marketing winner.. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted April 7, 2022 Share Posted April 7, 2022 3 hours ago, Tony C said: To stevehnz, RAF4EVER, jenko and the 8 others, you should be ashamed of yourselves and must stop encouraging Kiwidave4 I tried but didn't have a leg to stand on. Dick 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted April 7, 2022 Share Posted April 7, 2022 One night at the dinner table, a wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now." Simon. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted April 8, 2022 Share Posted April 8, 2022 10 hours ago, Tony C said: To stevehnz, RAF4EVER, jenko and the 8 others, you should be ashamed of yourselves and must stop encouraging Kiwidave4 In my neck of the woods the footwear in question is known as a jandal, so basically the joke - I use the term loosely - only works in the UK. While we like to claim the jandal as a Kiwi original I believe they were actually designed by a Frenchman - Phillipe Fallope. 15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErikT Posted April 8, 2022 Share Posted April 8, 2022 It works in Canada too. I still look at my cousins from the US funny when they call flip flops "thongs." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PattheCat Posted April 8, 2022 Share Posted April 8, 2022 An Englishman is chatting with a French friend and starts to recount him his concerns about recent news regarding the British Royal Family: "Did you know that Harry just left his castle to go to the USA? It's rather disrupting, isn't it?" and the Frenchman answers: "No, I didn't know. I do agree it is. "What did they think about when they spread out the school holidays in such a disruptive way at Hogwarts?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 21 hours ago, ErikT said: It works in Canada too. I still look at my cousins from the US funny when they call flip flops "thongs." Pumps is another example, it's only recently I discovered that in the context of footwear the America and British meanings are very different: UK - flat soled soft shoes, historically used for indoor sport before trainers (or sneakers if you prefer) became popular in the 80s. Could most commonly be seen on the feet of school children in PE lessons. US - women's high heeled shoes (but not boots) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted April 15, 2022 Share Posted April 15, 2022 Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it. The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again.Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends. Simon. 3 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAF4EVER Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 What do you call a fly with no wings? A Walk 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stever219 Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 What do you call a fly with no wings and no kegs. A roll.. What do do you call a fly with no wings, no legs and no body? Ed. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted April 21, 2022 Share Posted April 21, 2022 My dog has no legs but he's always keen when I take him out for draggies. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted April 21, 2022 Share Posted April 21, 2022 I've just been arrested for stealing a hundred tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. My lawyer thinks I'll get a long sentence. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 3 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welkin Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whofan Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 On 09/04/2022 at 13:25, -Ian- said: Pumps is another example, it's only recently I discovered that in the context of footwear the America and British meanings are very different: UK - flat soled soft shoes, historically used for indoor sport before trainers (or sneakers if you prefer) became popular in the 80s. Could most commonly be seen on the feet of school children in PE lessons. US - women's high heeled shoes (but not boots) .Pumps is daps. We call them daps in South Wales. Well I still call them daps even though I don;t live in South Wales any more. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" Simon. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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