pigsty Posted March 8, 2022 Posted March 8, 2022 Did you know that German vegetarians are pessimists? Apparently they all fear the würst. 6
jenko Posted March 12, 2022 Posted March 12, 2022 My mate was telling me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music. I said.... "DIDJA REDO IT" 4 5
Pete in Lincs Posted March 12, 2022 Posted March 12, 2022 Bloke at the next petrol pump only put a tenners worth in his car. I thought, Well, that should at least get him through the car wash. 8
jenko Posted March 12, 2022 Posted March 12, 2022 My other mate just found out that he failed the RAF entrance exam. Apparently the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute band. 11
EwenS Posted March 12, 2022 Posted March 12, 2022 36 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: Bloke at the next petrol pump only put a tenners worth in his car. I thought, Well, that should at least get him through the car wash. About 20 years ago had a bloke in a Ferrari 360 pull up at the other side of the pump and do just that. Even at those prices he wouldnt have got far! 2 1
JohnT Posted March 12, 2022 Posted March 12, 2022 2 hours ago, EwenS said: About 20 years ago had a bloke in a Ferrari 360 pull up at the other side of the pump and do just that. Even at those prices he wouldnt have got far! Most likely he had either just got his insurance renewal premium or the bill from the garage for the service and belt changes. 1 2
Pete in Lincs Posted March 12, 2022 Posted March 12, 2022 3 hours ago, JohnT said: for the service and belt changes. Yep. Talking to a bloke with a 2015 V6 Range Rover yesterday. For a cam belt change, Land Rover wanted the car for 2 days with a 1200 quid bill. His mate did it in 5 hours for 500 quid! 2 1
Markh-75 Posted March 12, 2022 Posted March 12, 2022 The man who invented predictive text on our electronic devices, phones etc, died last week; it was announced that his funfair will be next Monkey. 12
pigsty Posted March 14, 2022 Posted March 14, 2022 I was looking for new underwear recently, and I said to the shop assistant, "I would like a thong." "Thertainly, thir," she said, and launched into Thrangerth in the Night. 8
sinnerboy Posted March 14, 2022 Posted March 14, 2022 32 minutes ago, pigsty said: I was looking for new underwear recently, and I said to the shop assistant, "I would like a thong." "Thertainly, thir," she said, and launched into Thrangerth in the Night. Thougt I'd buy something sexy for the missus for Vantines day. said to the Lingerie assistant " are these knickers satin?" she said "no, they're new" 6
sinnerboy Posted March 14, 2022 Posted March 14, 2022 On 3/12/2022 at 5:44 PM, Markh-75 said: The man who invented predictive text on our electronic devices, phones etc, died last week; it was announced that his funfair will be next Monkey. the man who invented the snooze alarm has just died, his funeral is Friday at 11:00 then again at 11:10 and 11:20 2 4
Markh-75 Posted March 14, 2022 Posted March 14, 2022 The man who invented the crossword puzzle passed away; if you wish to pay your respects you can lay flowers at his grave at 6 across and 5 down in the cryptic area. 4
pigsty Posted March 14, 2022 Posted March 14, 2022 Last time I bought a Christmas tree, the man in the shop asked if I was going to put it up myself. No, I told him - it'll go in the corner of the front room. 1 10
Markh-75 Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 An elderly woman went into a Taxidermist with a box and explained that her two darling Yorkshire terriers (brother and sister) had passed away together in the night and could he help? After opening to box he looked interestingly, and asked "would you like them mounted"? Shocked, she replied 'No, no. just side by side will be fine'!!! 1 3
cherry268 Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 Two guys robbing an off licence. One turns to the other and asks " Is this whisky? " The other replies " Yes but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!! " 5
cherry268 Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 Are you sweating when you go onto a forecourt. Do you shake uncontrollably when you grasp the nozzle Do you get dizzy at the check out Then you may be suffering from carowner virus 7
GordonD Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 I need some advice. I bought one of these: ... but it isn't working; he still keeps popping up on my TV. Do I need to buy a DecStop as well? 3
Markh-75 Posted March 15, 2022 Posted March 15, 2022 42 minutes ago, GordonD said: I need some advice. I bought one of these: ... but it isn't working; he still keeps popping up on my TV. Do I need to buy a DecStop as well? I wish it was available!😂
Kiwidave4 Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 Bloke asked me if I knew where he could buy a second hand toupee. I said, "Not off the top of my head." 7
Fnick Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 I never knew the Predator's daughter played for the French rugby team... Nick 4
stever219 Posted March 16, 2022 Posted March 16, 2022 On 3/15/2022 at 10:39 AM, Markh-75 said: I wish it was available!😂 You and me both, especially in "monstrously lethal" size. 1
ErikT Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 (edited) The other day, my wife yelled at me: "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?" What an odd way to start a conversation... Edited March 22, 2022 by ErikT spelling 5
Spookytooth Posted March 22, 2022 Posted March 22, 2022 A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. "I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus," she said to the boy. "But who does the fourth head belong to?" The boy replied, "That's Pontius the pilot." Simon. 5
Ratch Posted March 30, 2022 Posted March 30, 2022 I noticed two bumps on my car battery and had them tested. One came back positive. I hope its not terminal. 10
Welkin Posted March 30, 2022 Posted March 30, 2022 What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. 12
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