Circloy Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 Somewhere in every town there's an Iceland store at the perfect distance to serve instantly cooked Pizza's should a 5Mt bomb go off above the town hall. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spookytooth Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." Simon. 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Ian- Posted March 8, 2022 Share Posted March 8, 2022 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted March 8, 2022 Share Posted March 8, 2022 Did you know that German vegetarians are pessimists? Apparently they all fear the würst. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 My mate was telling me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music. I said.... "DIDJA REDO IT" 4 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 Bloke at the next petrol pump only put a tenners worth in his car. I thought, Well, that should at least get him through the car wash. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenko Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 My other mate just found out that he failed the RAF entrance exam. Apparently the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute band. 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EwenS Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 36 minutes ago, Pete in Lincs said: Bloke at the next petrol pump only put a tenners worth in his car. I thought, Well, that should at least get him through the car wash. About 20 years ago had a bloke in a Ferrari 360 pull up at the other side of the pump and do just that. Even at those prices he wouldnt have got far! 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnT Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 2 hours ago, EwenS said: About 20 years ago had a bloke in a Ferrari 360 pull up at the other side of the pump and do just that. Even at those prices he wouldnt have got far! Most likely he had either just got his insurance renewal premium or the bill from the garage for the service and belt changes. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete in Lincs Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 3 hours ago, JohnT said: for the service and belt changes. Yep. Talking to a bloke with a 2015 V6 Range Rover yesterday. For a cam belt change, Land Rover wanted the car for 2 days with a 1200 quid bill. His mate did it in 5 hours for 500 quid! 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 The man who invented predictive text on our electronic devices, phones etc, died last week; it was announced that his funfair will be next Monkey. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 I was looking for new underwear recently, and I said to the shop assistant, "I would like a thong." "Thertainly, thir," she said, and launched into Thrangerth in the Night. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinnerboy Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 32 minutes ago, pigsty said: I was looking for new underwear recently, and I said to the shop assistant, "I would like a thong." "Thertainly, thir," she said, and launched into Thrangerth in the Night. Thougt I'd buy something sexy for the missus for Vantines day. said to the Lingerie assistant " are these knickers satin?" she said "no, they're new" 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinnerboy Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 On 3/12/2022 at 5:44 PM, Markh-75 said: The man who invented predictive text on our electronic devices, phones etc, died last week; it was announced that his funfair will be next Monkey. the man who invented the snooze alarm has just died, his funeral is Friday at 11:00 then again at 11:10 and 11:20 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 The man who invented the crossword puzzle passed away; if you wish to pay your respects you can lay flowers at his grave at 6 across and 5 down in the cryptic area. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigsty Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 Last time I bought a Christmas tree, the man in the shop asked if I was going to put it up myself. No, I told him - it'll go in the corner of the front room. 1 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 An elderly woman went into a Taxidermist with a box and explained that her two darling Yorkshire terriers (brother and sister) had passed away together in the night and could he help? After opening to box he looked interestingly, and asked "would you like them mounted"? Shocked, she replied 'No, no. just side by side will be fine'!!! 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherry268 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 Two guys robbing an off licence. One turns to the other and asks " Is this whisky? " The other replies " Yes but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!! " 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherry268 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 Are you sweating when you go onto a forecourt. Do you shake uncontrollably when you grasp the nozzle Do you get dizzy at the check out Then you may be suffering from carowner virus 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 I need some advice. I bought one of these: ... but it isn't working; he still keeps popping up on my TV. Do I need to buy a DecStop as well? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markh-75 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 42 minutes ago, GordonD said: I need some advice. I bought one of these: ... but it isn't working; he still keeps popping up on my TV. Do I need to buy a DecStop as well? I wish it was available! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidave4 Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 Bloke asked me if I knew where he could buy a second hand toupee. I said, "Not off the top of my head." 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fnick Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 I never knew the Predator's daughter played for the French rugby team... Nick 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stever219 Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 On 3/15/2022 at 10:39 AM, Markh-75 said: I wish it was available! You and me both, especially in "monstrously lethal" size. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErikT Posted March 22, 2022 Share Posted March 22, 2022 (edited) The other day, my wife yelled at me: "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?" What an odd way to start a conversation... Edited March 22, 2022 by ErikT spelling 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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